All posts tagged Twitter

Smorgasbording – March 2, 2012

It’s like waterboarding, only without the wet clothes and awkward goodbyes!

It’s Friday morning. I’m tired. I’m a little bit hungover from the Fun concert last night. Needless to say, this isn’t going to be some of my best work. Everybody is allowed an off day. I could take this time together to talk about current events and poke fun at the mishaps of celebrities. See that? I just strung together six straight words that start with “T” with the greatest of ease. Anyway, I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to spend this brief time talking shit about TBSE founder Tuna and his sidekick, The Mischievous Masturbator (aka Dangermike). Somewhere along the line, these two lovebirds got too big for TBSE. Now they scoff at it. Instead of changing to a new format shortly after New Year’s, like Tuna promised, we’re still stuck in TBSE 1.0. Here’s another fun stat – Tuna hasn’t posted a real blog post since February 7. That’s just unacceptable. What’s worse is that Dangermike hasn’t posted anything since December 29. Nope, you didn’t misread that – DECEMBER 29.

Don’t worry guys – I’ll keep TBSE afloat until you pop your huge heads out of each other’s asses (both literally and figuratively) and lay fingers to keyboard. I’m just a good guy like that.

Bringing Back the Glory Days

Remember when one of our loyal readers sent in this beautiful ass shot back in October? Clearly, we’re far removed from TBSE’s heyday. I’m aiming to fix that.

I want everybody and everything - girls, boys, dogs, cats, ferrets, etc. - to send ass shots to iheartsmorgasbording@gmail.com. Each and every one of them will be featured on Smorgasbording next week, complete with a review and a grade. Don’t be ashamed if you’re fat, pale, zitty or hairy. It’s all good in the hood! And the beauty of it is, it’s completly anonymous. So I expect to see each and every one of your asses in the coming days. Let’s right this ship and get TBSE back on the map. T-B-S-E! T-B-S-E!

Movie Clip of the Week

Randominities

    • Is it weird that I literally want to murder people who abuse and mistreat animals?
    • I’ve been saying it for years, but “reality” television needs to just go away. The majority of it is scripted, and if you don’t know that, you’re an idiot.
    • As a diehard Red Sox fan, let me just say farewell to Jason Varitek. He was a master at handing the different personalities and egos of a pitching staff, as well as great teammate and a true professional. It’s going to be so strange to see the Sox take the field this season without Tek, Tim Wakefield and Tito Francona. I wish we could just get rid of Bobby Valentine and name Varitek the manager – guess I’ll have to wait a few years for that though.
    • If you don’t already, follow Chad Ochocinco (@Ochocinco) on Twitter. You would never guess it by the way he’s acted on the field in the past, but the dude is awesome – he’s down to earth, friendly and quite modest.
    • Does anybody else have Liberty Tax Services in their area? Just because you have a fat chick dressed up as the Statue of Liberty waving to me from the street corner doesn’t mean I’m getting my taxes done there. Unless chunky Lady Liberty over there is willing to do some role play in the bedroom, I’ll take my W-2 elsewhere.
    • Memo to Cheerios: Stick to the original flavor. I swear there are like 10 different flavors of Cheerios now. On the other hand, keep those flavors coming Frosted Mini Wheats!
    • ESPN’s Streak for the Cash will be the death of me.
    • I recently learned how to type in bolds and italics on Gchat. Needless to say, I feel like a badass.
    • As an adult (16+), only one movie has made me cry like a 12-year old girl at a Justin Beiber concert. Guess what that flick is in the comments section.
    • If anybody in Rhode Island needs a job, I found one for you.
    • Also, can somebody help me out with this? I really need that necklace back.
    • I saw that they’re coming out with another sequel to American Pie, this one being American Reunion. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this. Obviously American Pie and American Pie 2, even American Wedding, were classic comedies and a staple of my generation. I’m just not sure how this new movie will be now that they’re all in their mid-30s.
    • I’m sorry this Smorgasbording is so shitty. I promise to be better. Hey, at least I’m not as bad as Tuna and Dangermike, right? But seriously, send in those ass shots.

Smorgasbording – January 6, 2012

Each Friday, to cap the week, I’ve decided to post a smorgasbord of random shit that has made its way through my brain over the previous six days. I’ve always wanted to use the term “smorgasbord” in a sentence, and now I have. Cross that one off my bucket list. Also, as you can see, I’ve worked the term into the title of this weekly column. I’ve always wanted to use the term “smorgasbording” as a title for a weekly blog post. Cross that one off my bucket list too. Alright, without any further adieu, here is the first installment of Smorgasbording.

Band Your Boyfriend/Fiancee/Husband Won’t Admit to Liking

I don’t care what your hardo significant other says in public, whenever he’s alone in his whip and either “Name,” “Iris,” “Black Balloon,” “Dizzy” or “Slide” comes on the radio you can bet your bottom dollar he’s rocking out along with Johnny Rzeznik. Despite the fact that one of the band members looks like Uncle Fester wearing a pink wig, the Goo Goo Dolls are still the shit. Sure, you’ll never catch your guy singing aloud to a GGD song at a party, but that’s ok. Just keep in mind that deep down, in his loins, he has an affinity for the Dolls.  Fun fact – the Goo Goo Dolls originally formed way back in 1986 and were originally called The Sex Maggots. I don’t know what a sex maggot is, but it definitely turns me on.

Driving Pet Peeve

First off, let me just say that I am an incredible driver. Obviously I’m good because I’m not female, but it goes beyond that. I hate to sound like a braggard, but my skills behind the wheel are flawless. That brings me to my next point. What the fuck do people not understand about yield signs? Do drivers think that, just because they don’t know what the word “yield” means, they don’t have to abide? I would venture to say that no less than 94% of the driving population doesn’t yield when getting off the highway. There is a yield sign at the end of just about every off-ramp in America, yet these signs are apparently invisible to the majority of people. Pisses me off to no end. Sometimes I just like to mess with people getting off the highway by staying in the right lane near an off-ramp, just to see if they yield. Inevitably, they don’t… so I blast my horn and flip them off. Learn the rules of the road, you knuckleheads!

Movie Clip of the Week

 

Worst Gift

I already regret giving my wife an Amazon Kindle Fire for Christmas. So far, she’s read like six novels and is working on a seventh. It’s just sick. Also, she looks like a real cool hipster/emo chick carrying it around in its little pink protective case. I fear this gift has made her both cooler than me and smarter than me. Bitch. I am better than her at Angry Birds though, so I have that going for me.

Randominities

  • “Yup” is not a proper response to “Have a good day” or “Enjoy your weekend.”
  • Carmex makes the best chapstick on the market, hands down.
  •  I kinda sorta want to be a Twitter celebrity. Follow me – @IAmTheWay11
  • Oklahoma State should be in the National Championship game, not Alabama.
  • Lava lamps are still badass, I don’t care what anybody says.
  • Every time I see previews for “The Devil Inside,” I literally get chills down my spine.

Batting Clean-Up, Playing 3rd Base…Viiiinnnnnnnnyyyyyy GUUUAAAdagninooooo!

Let’s face it, the NFL lockout came down to one fat number: $12 billion.  That is how much AdAge says was at stake if the 2011 NFL season was not played.  Football—or any non-WNBA sport for that matter—is a business.  I am a die-hard sports fan and while I want to believe in the love of the game, ‘we do it for the fans’ and “heroes get remembered, legends never die…” the cold hard fact is that every single fan is a walking dollar sign.  This post is not meant to be a rant against the business of professional sports, but a discussion about how a team theoretically could (or should!) be run if the ultimate goal is to drive revenue.

The combo of running late to write this post, and desperately wanting to be more like robthewelterweight, will force me to write this post in parts over the next few weeks.

Theory 1: The Social Media Line-Up

The transitive property of business says you make more money when consumers purchase goods/services and more goods/services are purchased when consumers are influenced to do so.  In today’s world, one of the best ways for celebrities or athletes to directly influence their fans is via social media channels.  By this theory—that I am backing up with little to no data—professional sports teams would drive more revenue if line-ups were selected based on followers and likes, rather than wins and losses.

According to Klout, a website that measures a person’s social influence, the 3rd most influential MLB player is Dodger outfielder Matt Kemp with 44,231 Twitter followers.  Number 1 and 2 are Nick Swisher and Jose Canseco, but I have a strong “no Yankee” and “no steroid” policy on my posts.  By comparison to the National League MVP candidate Kemp, the dude from Jersey Shore who is most famous for yelling “CABS ARE HEREEEE!” has over 1.5 million followers.  Everything the guido wordsmith posts spreads around the internet influencing more and more consumers.  I’m sure Shakespeare is jealous he never wrote, “All the girls around me are wet right now. #rainydays.”

So I leave you with a question.  If you were starting a professional sports team tomorrow, and the main objective was make money, would you factor in social media influence while making your line-up?

I bet the Patriots did.

Comedian you might not have heard of- Anthony Jeselnik

If you haven’t heard of Anthony Jeselnik then you need to expand your horizons. Please stop listening to only Dane Cook- no one should ever shit on the coats. It’s a dick move and it’s disgusting for people to poop anywhere but the toilet or the woods if they have to. But, if you must have some douche in your comedy, he does a spot on impression for you guys with terrible taste:

He is horrifically offensive in a way that makes you feel shameful for laughing and you just can’t stop. But you would know that if you saw the Trump Roast a few days ago. Anyways, I got his CD- “Shakespeare” and it is amazingly funny.

Also, below is a sample tweet from him.

Person to follow on Twitter – Rob Delaney

@robdelaney

I’m going to let a few of my favorite Rob Delaney tweets  do the talking here:

“I just did a fart so horrible that Hitler would have picked up a gypsy child & covered its nose with a hanky.”

“My mom just walked in while I was masturbating in the tub. My penis actually vacuumed up a few ounces of water.”

“If you live in the 1st world & you don’t eat ice cream EVERY SINGLE DAY, I don’t think you get what we’re trying to do here.”

“Forgot my AshleyMadison.com password. Anybody up for a little Skype n’ jerk while my wife’s at dialysis?”

 
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