Allow me, if you will, to get nostalgic for a minute. Two-oh-eleven was an amazing year in many ways – I got a new job, a new car and a new wife (my old one was just plain awful). It was certainly a year of news, but like any 365-day span in the life of a human, it had ups and downs. So, without further adieu, a list of things I learned in 2011:
- I learned that the Red Sox, despite all of their success over the past 10 years, still have the capability to rip your heart out, gnaw on it then throw it on the ground, douse it with lighter fluid, set the bitch on fire and then piss on it. The month of September featured some of the worst Boston baseball I have ever seen and the season was capped by, quite possibly, the most ridiculous night in baseball history. Thanks Sox!
- I learned that planning a wedding may be the worst undertaking society has to offer. Nobody in their right mind should venture down this path (that includes you, robthewelterweight) – just elope. For all intents and purposes, our planning went about as smooth as it could have, yet it was still 11 months of pure hell. I vow never to get divorced simply due to the fact that I’d rather be unhappily married than face the horrors of planning another wedding. To my wife - sorry sweetie, I’m in it for the long haul… you’re stuck with me.
- I learned (and am still learning) that good things come to those who are proactive. Life doesn’t reward the lazy, the cheaters or the shortcutters. If you want something, go get it. It sure as hell ain’t going to come to you.
- I learned that sometimes you need to take risks. The safe play isn’t always the best play.
- I learned that I don’t want to be stuck in a cubicle my entire life. Breaking out of the shithole that is corporate America was the best move I’ve ever made. Sure I might not make as much money in the long run, but I will be healthier and happier.
- I learned that true love is a rare thing. Don’t force it. Wait for somebody who accepts you for who you really are, whether that be a nerd, a dork or a hopeless romantic. Wait for somebody who makes you feel like a kid again.
- I learned that Facebook, Google and Wikipedia are slowly taking over the world.
- I learned that, despite all of our technological advancements, we’re still not very advanced.
- I learned that Hollywood has basically just said, “Fuck it. We can’t come up with anymore original ideas, so we’re just going to re-make movies from the past and add sequels to movies that don’t deserve them.”
- I learned that Giorgio Tsoukalos from Ancient Aliens may have the best hair in the history of the world, which makes sense. He seems very in-tune with aliens and their advanced hair technology.
- Speaking of Anicent Aliens, I also learned that the show employs some sort of freaky, half-dead creature to make further arguments.
- I learned that there is still some hope left for television with the introduction of terrific new shows like American Horror Story, Game of Thrones, New Girl and Homeland. Perhaps our society is finally growing up and past the Jersey Shore/Teen Mom/American Idol/Survivor phase. Christ, who am I kidding…?
- I learned (again) that the judicial and court system in this country doesn’t work. You’re welcome, Casey Anthony.
- I also learned that America will never advance and will, in fact, continue to regress if we maintain this two-party political system bullhonky.
- I learned that Jonah Hill was much funnier when he was fat. He also didn’t look like Uncle Fester.
- I learned that I wouldn’t mind being friends with David Tutera.
- I learned that girls are psychotic about wedding dresses… and weddings in general.
- Finally, I learned that life truly is only as good as the memories you make. Enjoy the present and make as many awesome memories as you can. Friends and family can be gone in the blink of an eye. In the end, it’s not going to be money that determines whether you lived a rich and fulfilling life – it’s going to be the memories that you’ve accumulated. The memories are the only things you have left in the end.
2011 – it’s been one hell of a ride, my friend. Alas, I must bid you farewell.
“Goodbye, old friend. Goodbye, goodnight. I’ll move on. You’ll call it fate, I’ll call it karma. We had our time, it was fun while it lasted. I’ll look back with honor and no regrets. I won’t be mad, won’t feel bad. These memories will never leave me. Don’t be sad, cause life goes on, life goes on. It’s getting too late… tomorrow is here.”
What did you learn in 2011? Feel free to share it in the comments section!