It’s like waterboarding, only without the wet clothes and awkward goodbyes!

Apparently I’m the only one left at TBSE, considering there hasn’t been a post since my last Smorgasbording a week ago. I’m so damn lonely!

If TBSE was a movie, I’d be walking slowly down a dirt road with my hands in my pockets. I’d look all depressed and, from time to time, I’d kick a rock. In the background, Eric Carmen’s classic power ballad “All By Myself” would be playing. Luckily this isn’t a movie, because all of that sounds just awful.

Unfortunately, nothing of much comedic value happened over the past week. It turns out Syria may, in fact, be hell, and some governor went all lunatic on the issue of abortion. Neither of those subjects fit in well with what we’re trying to do with Smorgasbording. You see… the idea, nay, the mission of Smorgasbording is to provide slow-witted, pithy humor to all of our loyal readers in order to end the week on a high note. It is not intended to delve into serious subjects like death (Whitney Houston), domestic violence (Rihanna/Chris Brown), birth control (Pfizer) or divorce (Heidi Klum/Seal). Oops…

Anyway, without further adieu… actually, I take that back. Further adieu.

I’m just messin with ya. Let’s smorgasbord!

Painful Sleeping

I’m trying to figure out if this happens to other people, or just me. Does anybody out there ever get injured in there sleep? I’m not talking about a stiff neck or a sore back, I’m talking a legitimate injury. I woke up from a night’s slumber earlier this week with what felt like a sprained knee, I shit you not.  I was limping around all day like a damn WWII veteran. What the hell could I have done during the night to sprain my knee? Sure, my dreams are filled with zombies and other villains – and I spend a lot of time running from them, but I didn’t think I’d actually hurt myself fleeing. This is not a good sign for the impending zombie apocalypse. I can’t even successfully escape them in a dream without hurting myself. Knee-dless (get it?) to say, I’m screwed. Anyway, I’m dying to know. Has anybody else ever been injured in their sleep?

Great Debates – Can vs. Bottle

This was another item on my mind over the past week. Why do some sodas taste better in cans than in bottles? It’s perplexing. Think about Mountain Dew for minute. It tastes decent in a plastic bottle, but then you drink it from a can and the Dew is suddenly the drink of the gods. Same can be said for Vanilla Coke, Crush and Dr. Pepper. On the other hand, Pepsi tastes better in a bottle than in a can. I’m sure there’s some scientific explanation regarding the way the carbonation of certain sodas reacts differently with aluminum compared to plastic, but I don’t want to hear any of that nonsense. I want a layman’s answer! Why the hell do some sodas taste better in cans than in bottles?!

Movie Clip of the Week

Randominities

• Word on the street is that JK Rowling is working on a new novel. I respect that. If I was her, however, my lazy ass would be resting on my laurels and my enormous pile of money instead of ever working again. CelebrityNetWorth.com says that Rowling is worth $1 billion. Bitch.
• I always laugh when I drive by a library parking lot. Is there any reason why they all have at least 30 parking spots? I’d say 10 would suffice, and even that might be generous.
• I touched on this a couple days back on Facebook, but I just want to bring it up again because it’s so ridiculous. The four Division I college basketball teams in Rhode Island – Brown, Bryant, Providence College and URI – have a combined conference record of 6-49 and are tied for last place in each of their respective conferences. Great year for college bball in Lil’ Rhody.
• Has anybody out there heard of Lumosity.com? You can sign up for a free membership and play games each day to strengthen your brain/mind. It’s pretty cool – I recommend checking it out. Of course, it’s taken me like three hours to write this shitty blog post, so I’m not sure how well the site is working.
• What percent of Americans know that “towards” is not actually a word? It’s always “toward,” never “towards.” Did you know? Idiot.
• If anybody is making money off of Pinterest, I am going to be pissed.
• Can somebody explain to me what this company does?
• Favorite fake word of the week: ungood.
• Happy weekend everybody! I love it when you call me big poppa.

The pros:

The great pace and variety of workouts coupled with social support from trainers and fellow crossfiters, leaves you with a feeling of accomplishment at the end of most workouts. That it’s in a group exercise format with set goals and intragroup competition means that there exists a supportive culture which produces the intrinsic and extrinsic motivation needed to succeed.

The cons:

If you’re not familiar with a wide variety of weight lifting techniques, it will take you a while to get off the ground. It’s not unreasonable to think that it might take you a month or two of attending classes to start using heavy weights on some of the exercises, for the simple reason that you can’t use the weights you’re capable of using, until you get the technique down.

If you’re not capable of doing squats or you have a bad back, there’s a lot that you won’t be able to do. At least at the crossfit I go to, some variety of squats seem to take up about ½ the workout.

Not all crossfit locations are created equal. I think I got a pretty good one on the first try, since they seem to have plenty of well qualified staff and helpful interns who emphasize safety, give individual attention and design challenging, but doable, workouts on a daily basis. The horror stories I’ve heard seem to relate to extreme intensities and a lack of concern on the part of the staff, so you may want to keep an eye out for that.

Verdict:

Is it the best workout ever? Yes and no, but mostly yes. If you’re ok with your workout being a social experience, if you want some variety in your routine, and if you want a challenge no matter your level of fitness, then this might be for you.

If you’re more comfortable with a slow-paced, individualized workout involving an elliptical and flat screen tvs, then this is not going to be your jam. Likewise if you’re disciplined enough to do this sort of workout at a normal gym, you can save yourself some $ and create a similarly challenging workout in your own way.

But, if you’re anything like me and get bored easily, find excuses to cut workouts short, and discover that you’re not pushing yourself to your potential, crossfit will likely do you a lot of good.

 P. S.

There is likely to be at least one brosef who will a) show up ½ hr before the 1 hr work out to get a couple more sets in, b) enjoy working out half-naked no matter his audience, and c) emit a guttural moan at the completion of a muscle up or similar workout.

Fair warning. Be prepared.

It’s like waterboarding, only without the wet clothes and awkward goodbyes!

Did you guys hear Whitney Houston died? Ok, good… so we can move on.

In other news regarding chicks who are crazier than a rat in a shithouse, word on the street says Rihanna is back together with Chris Brown. Now, I know there was a huge uproar during the Grammys about how Brown was getting attention in what seemed to be a positive light. Certainly understandable. Beating a woman is a deplorable act, one that should never be forgiven. And yet, somehow, it seems Chris Brown has a clean slate a mere three years later. Obviously I would never condone laying a hand on a woman, but me thinks there is something seriously wrong with Rihanna. How fucked up in the head do you have to be to go back to the guy who beat the shit out of you? Why is she not getting as much heat as Chris Brown did during the Grammys? I understand she was the victim, but should we really feel bad for her at this point? Train wreck.

Alright, on a lighter note, here’s a six-minute compilation video of fails. I’ll wait here until you get back…

Welcome back… now let’s smorgasbord!

Taking It Back to the Old School

Think back to your childhood. What were some of the best times you had with your friends? If you’re anything like me, you loved spending warm summer nights with a big group of friends playing Hide and Seek or Kick the Can. With that in mind, I’m proposing this radical idea: somebody out there needs to start a Kick the Can or Hide and Seek league. Sure, we’re adults, but these games are fun as fuck. Also, once that zombie apocalypse goes down, you’re going to need strategy, stealth and fleetness in order to survive – all skills which can be trained during intense games of Kick the Can. There was a Twilight Zone episode years ago in which all of these old bastards in a nursing home snuck out to play a game of hide and seek, but one miserable geezer scoffed at the idea and stayed inside. Bad move on his part. Everybody who played the game turned into kids again, and the one asshole was left alone with his pussface and wrinkly balls. Not sure how that pertains to this discussion, just thought I’d throw it in there. But if Kick the Can will save me from zombies or turn me from an 80-year old into a kid, I’m all for it. Seriously though, somebody needs to start a league, preferably in my general vicinity so I can participate. Olly olly oxen free, bitches.

P.S. – Do kids even play these anymore, or is all of their time spent with video games and Facebook?

Cheers, Tim

I’d just like to send a quick shoutout to Tim Wakefield, who has decided to call it quits after 19 seasons in the show. It’s incredible that a guy could last for 19 years playing the most difficult sport on Earth with a fastball that’s slower than a Little Leaguer’s. The knuckleball is a hell of a drug. As a diehard Red Sox fan, it will be very strange not to see Wake on the mound after 17 seasons with the squad. It took him about six or seven starts last year, but he finally notched that 200th victory. Wake was the consummate professional and, from all accounts, a terrific teammate. He will surely be missed in the Red Sox clubhouse. I tip my hat to ya, Timmy – you defined class. We’ll miss you.

Movie Clip of the Week

Randominities

• I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. last night… good flick. Ryan Gosling is sexy as hell.
• For all my fellow Rhode Islanders out there, you need to check out Razzle in Cranston. Great food, awesome wine and unbelievable cupcakes.
• Schmidt from New Girl is the funniest character on cable television, hands down.
• Where did the term “ish” come from?
• To my relief, Wes Welker finally tweeted the other day after a long hiatus. I was honestly worried that he did something bad to himself.
• What the fuck is the deal with Nicki Minaj? I want her to go away forever.
• Thank you to friends Joe Coccia for the idea and Kyle Sawaia for the execution of the new Smorgasbording logo. It sure is silly.
• Fantasy baseball is right around the corner – who are you taking with the No. 1 pick?
• When the hell did Twitter decide to change formats? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
• Which movie has the better soundtrack: Dazed and Confused or Forrest Gump? Discuss among yourselves.
• Am I the only person left with a Blackberry? God damn this phone sucks balls.
• It is amazing that winter is almost over, only about a month left.
• Speaking of that, why does it seem like time goes by faster the older I get? There must be some scientific explanation for this.
• Any ideas or suggestions for Smorgasbording? I’d be happy to hear them – post them in the comments section.
• Smorgasbording, out.

Walrus, who used to write more often, and is still currently a writer for TBSE is in a band freshly named Free Hat. Nice little funk jaunts for your Friday afternoon.

Enjoy.

While parousing around the interwebs on this lovely afternoon, I ran across a few blogs that made me stop for a second and think. These blogs made me think of what love means to me and how it relates to blogging and the digital world. For that, I offer up a few promises on this Hallmark-of-a-holiday.

1) I promise to never EVER create a blog with my significant other. I stumbled across a few blogs that are co-written by a couple. This seems to go against everything blogging should stand for. We at TBSE are open to all opinions and ideas. There have been few times that a TBSE member has tried to censor another. For my money, I have probably seen this happen once or twice and both times might have come from me directly. That said, this blog is not in the business of holding back opinions. How does this relate to couples writing a joint blog? Well, I’m pretty sure if your SO posts the photo of Kate Upton in her SI swimsuit glory, the female SO is going to surely get pissed. Now, that person may get pissed if you write for another blog but if you share an account, you can bet your hard work writing about Kate Upton’s ass is going to get nixed. For god sake dudes and dudettes, keep the blogging separate.

2) This brings me to my next point, I hysterically wrote a V Day love note to my fb sweetie, a man who I have no romantic involvement with as I am straight, and a man who I have a love hate relationship with. The reason I did this was to mock every gesture made by boyfriends and girlfriends professing their undying love to their SO on this here V Day. You are probably thinking, “Hot D, take the stick out from up your ass! Just because you don’t have a valentine doesn’t mean you need to hate on everyone else!” For this, I would arguing the following: 1) I’m happy to be alone on V Day and 2) if you think that posting a fb status for all to see is a romantic gesture, then you are bat shit crazy. It might be sweet, it might be cute, but come on – do something that is a little more involved and complex than a fb status…leave the teen antics to the teenieboppers.

3) Finally, as robthewelterweight put so well this morning, V Day is for the birds. I promise to talk about love and relationships throughout the year and offer high quality advice and predictions. As you may remember, I predicted an increase in sexual related activity in 2012 by a whopping 15%, how is everyone doing on this? Have you increased your numbers? Or are your stats trending downward like Albert Pujols over the past few years? Either way, I predict happiness in your relationships if you follow my first two promises here on VDay 2012…oh and don’t buy flowers today, wait till tomorrow, it will be such a nice (not to mention cheaper) surprise tomorrow.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!  Today is all about looking that special someone in the eye and telling them how much they mean to you( in case you’re a giant asshole and somehow neglected to do those things the other 364 days of the year).  Why?  Because 1-800 Flowers, Russell Stover and Hallmark guilted you into it, that’s why.  How ironic is it that we celebrate what’s supposed to be a lifelong relationship each year with cut flowers that will die in three days and unrealistically sweet food that’s in no way nourishing? Not to mention the fact that we’re encouraged to tell someone how we feel with words that someone else wrote.  The entire charade stinks to high hell, and frankly, it’s for the birds.

That’s why the ‘Nator and I rebelled against the institution of Valentine’s Day from the get go. From the beginning of our courtship, we’ve been keenly aware of what would make our own or any relationship successful: a heightened libido and lowered expectations. That’s why we headed to Art’s Bar & Grill in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina for an afternoon of all you can eat oysters, Erotic Photo Hunt and pitchers of Pabst Blue Ribbon for our first Valentine’s Day together.  I think we even wore sweatpants.

The fact of the matter is that there’s no need to church up romance with fine dining and wine that comes in a fancy bottle, which is why the ‘Nator and I plan to continue the tradition of oysters and PBR long after we have to up the ante to Cialis and Tom Collins.  I hope you’ll choose to foster an honest romance and do the same this Valentine’s Day.

Oh, and if anyone can tell me how to throw a Megatouch machine on our wedding registry, I’d be much obliged.

This is a fairly tame tweet compared to some others, but this is a great place to start. Let’s call you Nicole. Nicole, your FAVORITE part of the Grammy Awards was watching Chris Brown with his first Grammy? You didn’t think Adele’s performance was compelling? Or Rihanna’s duet with Chris Martin was worth writing home about? You disgust me. You have bad taste in music and even worse taste in men.

I shouldn’t even be this considerate in covering up your face and name after you publicly issued this statement. I am not only going to call you crazy but I am going to call you an embarrassment to the female sex. Let me get this straight, not only would you let Chris Brown within 10 feet of you (the minimum distance that protects Rihanna from his insane grip) but you would let him beat you, any day? Does that mean you would let Chris Brown beat you on your birthday? On the day you found out your were pregnant?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Are you talking to me?  Are you telling me to shut up? Because listen you clown, I will never shut up about Chris Brown being a woman beater. Because. He. Beats. Women.
With this kind of attitude you very well may find yourself in a violent relationship, and I promise it won’t be with someone anywhere near as wealthy as Chris Brown. There will be no perks, just black eyes and bruised faces. Also, his last name should be capitalized. Sheesh.

Well this dumb dumb actually acknowledges how awkward (sure that’s one way of describing it) it is that she likes the idea of Chris Brown beating her. But she ruins any iota of sanity that she may have by following it up with hashtag don’t even care. Well I care. I care that you think he is sexy, which he isn’t, that you love him, which you shouldn’t, and that you would allow Chris Brown to punch you in the face. Who are your parents? Do you have any? My guess is no. Otherwise you wouldn’t be contemplating letting a man punch-a-size your face for free.

So what’s the moral of the story?
Chris Brown is a loser. Whether or not the music world should prohibit him from performing isn’t an argument I am totally comfortable making. However, for women, my teammates on this planet, distant representations of myself, where is your girl power? Do you have no self-worth?

I have been accused of being hard on girls in the past for their behaviors. Yes world, I am aware that just because someone doesn’t do something I think they should, doesn’t make them wrong. (Learning curve, okay?) Thankfully it has been less because of things like this and more because of sour puss faces at bars, but where am I supposed to draw the line? I honestly think I hate these women that love Chris Brown.

It is bad enough that we let him frolic in the spotlight, but it is even worse that women find his deplorable behavior appealing. So yes, I will call you crazy, I will not shut up, and I will continue to judge you because you ladies, are truly the worst thing ever.

http://who-is-bon-iver.tumblr.com/

“LMAO wait what? Who the f is Bonny Bear?”

Oh, Liz. Life is going to be so hard.

I’ve literally been sitting here staring at a blank screen for around 20 minutes now. 21. 22.

I went to a concert last night and, since I’m a fossil, my head is still foggy with the remnants of hardcore breakdowns and screaming lead singers. Such is the life of a scene kid trapped in a working professional’s body. Anyway, as far as I know, not a whole lot of interest happened this past week. Obviously I’m not going to bring up what happened last Sunday, and I can only talk so much about that American Idol chick performing the always-risky crowdless stage dive. We did witness an awesome new television series premiere on the National Geographic channel called “Doomsday Preppers,” which I like to call “Deadliest Peppers” for some odd reason. Anyway, the show chronicles a bunch of different people preparing for the end of the world. Ah-mazing. I highly recommend it. Alright, let’s just jump right in – I’m done trying to think of coherent things to discuss with you. It feels like there’s an unsettled ocean sloshing around in my head.

Best Parent in America

I’m sure many of you have heard about the father down in North Carolina who unloaded a .45 into his daughter’s laptop. If you haven’t, here’s the story. Let me just say this… I respect the hell out of Tommy Jordan. It’s no secret that the youth of our country are douchebags. Their collective hard-on for Facebook, Twitter and all things electronic is somewhat forgiveable, but the fact is they just don’t give a shit about anybody other than themselves. A lot of the blame can be placed squarely on the shoulders of parents though. I’m not that old, but it seems like ages ago when parents actually taught their children about things like respect, good manners and the right way to live. If we had more parents like Tommy Jordan, maybe the future of our country wouldn’t be in the hands of mindless drones controlled by social networks. Of course, as I’m writing this, Tommy Jordan’s daughter is probably plotting to murder her parents with the same gun that murdered her beloved laptop. So, uhhh… if that murder does happen, I never wrote this.

Lazy Eyes Need Work Too?

At this point, I’m not sure if I feel good for this guy or feel bad for all of the unemployed actors out there with two capable eyes. Listen, Stuart Scott and his warring eyes are on TV enough – seriously, those things must be full of hate for each other because they’ve never been close. That’s all the lazy eye I can handle. Now this guy is in like three or four different commercials at once, just popping up on my TV at random times and scaring the shit out of me with his crazy eyes. It’s ridiculous! He was in an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and even a few episodes of American Horror Story and Dexter, but there’s still no excuse for the overexposure. Damn you, Kyle Davis, and damn your eyes! If it’s not a USPS commercial, then it’s a damn Travelocity commercial or a TurboTax commercial. It’s never ending! As a proud American with a pair of good eyes, I support the hiring of capable-eyed actors and denounce the commercial producers who decided it was fair to hire one lazy-eyed actor to star in all of these high-budget ads. And before you condemn me for making fun of somebody with a lazy eye, hear this: he was born with two perfectly good eyes, it was only after he got his ass kicked in a fight that the lazy eye came about. True story.

Movie Clip of the Week

Randominities

• The guy who got kicked is a wicked pussy. Get up dude.
• I’m not racist, but I absolutely love the fact that the “B” key and the “N” key are right next to each other on a keyboard. Each time I try to spell “big” but accidentally type “nig,” I chuckle to myself.
• Don’t you hate when you laugh so hard a little snot comes out of your nose?
• Word on the street is Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis is set to marry Tom Brady’s sister, Julie. What are the odds these two produce attractive children?
• Is it just me, fellow New Englanders, or have you seen a lot of geese hanging around this winter? I feel like they should probably be a little farther south than Rhode Island. Maybe they got lazy.
• I’m still not a Twitter celebrity. I blame all of you. @IAmTheWay11
• FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! Okay, now football season is finally over.
• Heard this gem playing Call of Duty on Playstation 3 online the other day: “Doesn’t it make you sad to know that your mom definitely sucked off at least one other guy before your dad came into the picture? Something to think about.”
• It’s always been strange to me how a scent can immediately trigger a memory from the past.
• I’m pretty sure I fell in love last night with a chick who has pink hair. Sorry honey, you’re out.
• Do you ever catch whiffs of BO when you’re by yourself, but know for a fact it’s not you? Weird.
• There is a new brewery in Rhode Island called Grey Sail Brewing Company. They make great beer, start asking your local liquor stores to carry it. Help out a small, locally-owned business!
• Do any talented graphic designers out there want to come up with a logo for Smorgasbording? I can’t pay in cash, but I can pay in sexual favors. Email any and all submissions to thebeststuffevertips@gmail.com.  Don’t worry, you will get credit for your work… maybe.

There is only one thing better than having a great Thai restaurant in the neighborhood.. That is having a great Thai restaurant in the neighborhood where the cute ethnic waitress stops by to pump out your pipes minutes after her shift.  Nothing is more gratifying than to be eating a perfectly prepared dish of drunken noodles while noticing another patron checking out the cute Asian waitress’s ass and knowing, “Yeah, I’ve tapped that”.

This month marks the one year anniversary where that cute little waitress got to partake in sexual relations for the first time in three years (I have the gchat conversations to prove it).  Luckily for me, her ambitions of pursuing a serious relationship were cut short by a grandmother’s demand for a return back to her place of birth, a small village 9 hours south of Bangkok and 30 minutes due east of Mueang Ranong.

Needless to say, I really like this restaurant, and was in quite a good mood last night while splitting a Four Loko (we have them stockpiled), and eating some pad thai with my friend Tony.  The great mood changed when a thin mustache wearing, slick backed pony tail rockin’, pretentious hipster douche bag in a cardigan walks in with his dog of a date.  Within two minutes my buzz slowly turned into a rage when this prick tries to impress his slopfest date by practically screaming to her about every social issue under the sun and cockily providing his own quick fix solution to each of them.

Now I no longer just have to look at this piece of shit, but the entire tiny restaurant needs to hear him make offensive commentary on abortion, military family rights, welfare recipients, and more..

Now its time for this guy to order, and what does he go with? “I’ll have the crispy pad thai (then condescending voice kicks into 5th gear) with tofu”. — WHAT?!?!

NOBODY PREFERS TOFU TO CHICKEN AND SHRIMP!

Question: What are the reasons anyone EVER orders tofu?
Answer: To attempt at being healthy (or act like you’re better than meat/poultry/seafood), or because they are vegan or vegetarian.
Question: Does pad thai have egg in it?
Answer: Yes, yes it does – Vegan is ruled out.
Question: Does the waitress also bring his table an appetizer of chicken satay?
Answer: Yup! Vegetarian is now ruled out.  And if he loves tofu so much why not a tofu appetizer?
Question: So the only reason he would ever order tofu is to attempt to be healthy?
Answer: Yup!
Question: If you are going to try to be healthy why would you deep fry it?

This means that this turd ordered tofu pad thai not because of dietary restrictions but to be Mr. Earthy Crunchy Health King of Siam and then deep fried the shit out of the entire dish.  I didn’t say it last night, so I guess I’ll say it now, “Fuck you asshole”.

Well now that I got this nightmare off my chest I guess its time to start another Friday.  If anyone can provide a reasonable response as to why this dingle berry would order tofu with his deep fried pad thai when he’s not a vegan or a vegetarian, I’ll happily mail them $20 bucks to kick the weekend off. — Good luck.