Don’t fuck with my money! I’m goin to see this guy tomorrow so I just wanted to post it. More articles are being written this weekend. Sorry for slacking.

#1 The Paloma:
Tequila wasn’t a friend of mine during my undergrad years however we have forged a serious relationship during our happy hours together. What is so beautiful about the Paloma is the addition of the grapefruit juice, and at some establishments a splash of Squirt. If a drink has Squirt in the summary, I’m ordering it. This cocktail is refreshing, perfect, equal parts sweet and acidic, and downright pretty to look at. You also don’t look like an idiot when ordering this drink at a mexican restaurant, which can happen from time to time when ordering giant goblets of frozen margaritas with sugar on the rim.

#2 Sauvignon Blanc/ Pinot Grigio:
I can’t believe that my first round of Official Gal Drinks of Summer didn’t include ANY mention of the nectar of the gods. If you know me, you would agree that mermaid without wine is like the sky without the sun. It is my drink of choice for all occasions and I’m always the weirdo ordering it at dive bars. Simply put – white wine is the perfect beverage for warm summer days. It is an especially good beverage for long lunches on outdoor patios because with the addition of ice the drink lasts longer.

#3 Vodka Gimlet
This is no longer a beverage reserved for our grandparents. I know a gimlet traditionally contains gin, a beverage I have never been able to swallow thanks to a beach party in my youth, but vodka serves as a wonderful substitute. Vodka gimlets are easy and straight to the point: vodka and lots of fresh lime juice. I have dreams about the Vodka Gimlets at Bar Deville in Chicago’s Ukranian Village because they are just that delicious.

It’s time to put on the sundresses and let loose kiddies. If anyone wants to meet me for any any (or all) of the above on a Chicago patio this summer, you know where to find me.

What is the bloagie you ask? Let me ask you a question, whats better than a hoagie? A blowjob, that’s correct. What happens when you combine a delicious Italian sub like this one, and a delightful felatial experience?

Well, lets just say, some amazing things happen. Let me break this down for you: you are probably wondering how a delicious hoagie and a blow job go together. You are also probably curious the logistics of how one is supposed to get a bloagie. It goes a little something like this: you get a blow job and you eat a hoagie during said beej which yields one incredible bloagie. Where did this come from? I have no clue but a very esteemed lawyer friend told me about this amazing move and I have been wanting to try it ever since.

Now, with the bloagie, I have heard a few issues which I think need addressing before you go off and ask your SO to go down on you while you go down on a $5 footlong (for all our sakes, step it up and get something better than Subway). The first main concern is jealousy: I’ve heard the lady folks say they want a sub too! Well, you are in luck because I think its completely fair that you can enjoy a sub too. Whats oil and vinegar but a nice lube? Its already on salami so having it on your salami, is that too far a stretch? The second, more concerning issue, is the concern that a bloagie is demeaning. Now, I think this is a fair complaint but this just goes to show that this individual didn’t understand the power of a beej. Every female should know that a good beej is going to have us eating out of the palm of your hands. If the world was ruled correctly, bj’s would get shit done! Now, what can you think of that would add to this power women have over men? …comboing a hoagie WITH the bj? I rest my case.

I guess the only thing we need to worry about is the total domination factor that may transpire once the bloagie becomes a mainstream movement. Until then, order your favorite cold cuts on some delicious Italian bread, loaded with toppings, lay back and enjoy the best seconds or minutes of your life.

• Unicorns, sasquatches and a variety of other supposedly mythological creatures are currently quarantined at Guantanamo Bay.
• The producers of The Bachelor recruited Chris Harrison to host their show from psych ward at New York-Presbyterian Hospital.
• The fat content of bacon grease is so potent that it cancels out virtually any fat consumed within 36 hours of intake.
• Billy Mays was the fraternal twin brother of Richard Karn.
• Tim Tebow is actually right-handed.
• The American Medical Association plans to name a speech impediment after Shaquille O’Neal.
• A man who simply puts on a ribbed tank top increases the likelihood of an instance of domestic violence by 83%.
• Magic Johnson contracted HIV from a petting zoo.
• Ricky Henderson began speaking in the third person as a tribute to Rocky III villain, Clubber Lang.
• Goldman Sachs staged the Occupy Wall Street protests in a desperate effort to gain favor with the American public
• Hugh Heffner’s “little black book” is actually a multi-volume set comparable in size to a standard Encyclopedia Britannica
• A recent study by University of Southern California revealed that movie theater popcorn butter takes longer to decompose than Styrofoam.
• Stevie Wonder is Bryce Harper’s barber.
• Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons did a three night engagement at a theater two blocks from my apartment almost three months ago and the entire neighborhood still smells like menopause.
• When smoked, four leaf clovers are the most powerful hallucinogenic on the planet.
• Stephen Hawking is the leading scorer in his recreation basketball league.
• The New York Mets’ training staff is composed entirely of high school dropouts.
• The writers of Step Brothers based their film on the 2012 Republican Primary.
• After years of contentious debate, most scientists now agree that Otzi the Iceman invented planking.
• Stephen A. Smith suffers from the worst case of voice immodulation syndrome that doctors have ever seen.

I want TBSE to be RAC headquarters.

I’ll be honest- after my article last week I expected to not get many hits but perhaps an angry text message/email/slap in the face. Boy was I wrong! You guys showed up for me so I’m showing up for you a second week in a row. Shit is basically a streak now, first consecutive-week-posting in like six months. I hope you love it as much as I do.

Onto the quick hitters!

Wawa Inc. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What the fuck is the deal with “WAWA”?

Honestly I don’t get the Wawa thing. I actually hate Wawa and have a couple reasons:

1.) No beer in PA- I’d trade Wawa and all of its coffees and “hoagies” and other shit for a 6-pack of Miller Chill at a Kangaroo that’s only food option are those bubbly hot dogs that have been cooking for over a day. I can’t pin this all on Wawa because Pennsylvania is retarded when it comes to alcohol but it’s pretty inconvenient to not be able to buy beer from a convenience store. And that’s another thing- some aren’t even a fucking gas station! So I’m supposed to get my coffee and gas from different places? The fuck is that?

2.) Assholes on Facebook- I remember freshman year of college (in North Carolina) having all the dicks from Jersey and Philly complaining that they can’t get a “hoagie” from Wawa all over Facebook. Every time I logged in I saw status updates and new groups and shit and I don’t fucking get it. Ever heard of a deli? A coffee shop? A gas station? A FUCKING GROCERY STORE?!? But I guess they’re right- I never thought I would rather go to a tiny grocery store with similar options to a grocery store with less checkout lanes than a grocery store that’s constantly packed with douchebags talking about how great Wawa is.

3.) “Hoagies”- I hate the word hoagie almost as much as I hate swagger and uber. The thing is called a sub because it’s shaped like a submarine- do “hoagies” even have a shape? I’m sure I could Google this but I don’t want to waste another minute of my life on their terribly named and averagely tasting sandwich. I would like to submit (and I’m sure writers like robthemasturbate might have a stroke out of anger) that Wawa’s hoagies aren’t anything special and that 98% of sub shops make a better sandwich. Wawa=wee wee.

Friends with Benefits-

Mila Kunis attending the Premiere of "Max Payne" Hollywood, CA 10/13/2008 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some writers for the site probably just refer to it was FWB.

See, girls think that all guys just want to be friends with them to get in their underpants. Now, that’s partially true but not all the way. FWBs are cool but guys really want FAs or “F**k Accomplices” (yeah, I just made that phrase up, Whaddup). Guys who just want to get inside your knickers don’t want to be your friends first, why would they? They want to dry (or wet) hump you, not shoot the shit about your day. And FWB is hard to do with an attractive girl, anyways. I mean you might have seen “Friends with Benefits,” or at least a preview, staring Mila Kunis and JT. Am I the only guy that has never sat on his couch with a sexy ass girl like Mila, talking about how we both just couldn’t seem to get laid? When Mila Kunis so much as sneezes, men drop their pants so fast that it resembles “The Wave” at Fenway. Not to mention the fact that cute girls always have dudes who are willing to buy them stuff or take them places for free. And while girls suck at math, they do know one equation:

Sex + Free Shit > Sex – Free Shit

And let’s call a spade, a spade, if Mila needed some action I hope know she would just call up Natalie Portman for some more lesbian interracial swan.

Power Moves-

As a man, my life is all about power. Who has it, who wants it, and how that doesn’t fucking matter because it’s all mine. I have a short list of power moves for you guys

-Power Ordering: Situation 1: If you are out to eat with some virile pals who all order steaks and shit, switch it up and get the Mushroom Risotto.  This is a power move on two levels. First- if there are any girls present, this is a perfect time to explain all the mean shit that people do to animals. Channel your inner douche-bag-PETA-Representative. Second- red meat is full of cholesterol and saturated fats that kill people early. By going a little healthier, you are insuring your chances at a longer life and more opportunities to make power moves after your bovine-insensitive friends are dead. Situation 2: When you are on a one-on-one date with a female, disregard everything I said above. Girls love to see that you are a man and can handle eating as much steak as humanly possible. Order the Porterhouse, or maybe ask for a sampler of every single steak in the world or something. To women, ordering and eating red meat is basically the same as watching you hunt and murder the animal yourself, your Power Move gets them turned on something fierce.

-Telling People to “Fuck Off” when they are acting like cocks: There are a lot of dickheads in the world- I talked about it already in Haters. Assholes operate the way they do because they can get away with it. No one calls them on their shit. That’s where you come in, and people will appreciate you for it. It’s easy to practice this on the phone- the other day I was on the phone with this lady who worked for Elon University’s Business School. I forgot Elon’s number and I had to call them to ask a few questions. So- I got the digits off Google, called it, and got the Business school. The c-word on the other side of the phone treated it like I called the wrong number on purpose to ruin her day because I wanted to get transfered to the registrar’s office. I said, “Hang on. Fuck you.” and I hung the fuck up. POWER MOVE! (and I know some of you are doing the thing where you say, “you don’t know what she was going through that day!” I get that but I don’t give a shit anymore. I am hungover 4 days a week so when you see me, it’s over %50 chances that I’m at least slightly unhappy. Somehow … I manage not to make people want to poop in my family’s bed when I speak to them on the phone.)

-Shitting Loudly in Public Restrooms: Every once in a while, you go into a public bathroom to drop a deuce. It sucks. Everyone rather shit in their own private toilet ..home field advantage and what not. That being said, when mud butt hits you submit to its will. And sometimes during those public moments of weakness when you are trapped in that bathroom at a train station in Philadelphia, some 65 year old black man hunkers down in the stall next to you and farts, grunts, talks to himself, and sings his way through his yard long BM. The only thing on your mind other than, GROSS, is how much of a power move that dude just pulled on you. Dude came into the bathroom, inched out his poop pulling power moves left and right, and walked out with swag to a million.

Adam Yauch, Bestie Boys at Brixton Academy - 05/09/07 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

slightly more serious:

MCA died last week

And it’s a pretty big bummer. I think I’ve complained about this before but growing up, my only musical influence was my Mom funneling smooth jazz into my bowl-cutted head. I wore sweaters and turtlenecks and a lot elastic pants in elementary school. The first concert I went to was Natalie Cole. It was great she is very talented but I was the youngest person there by 35 years. And then when I was in the 5th grade, I received a Hello Nasty CD for christmas and for the first time my eyes were open to different music. There are a lot of adjectives to describe The Beastie Boys- they were talented, creative, and very very different. And different was something that I latched onto. But they weren’t different to be different- every song has a rhythm or some sort of funk or groove or something inherently appealing (maybe that’s more of an opinion than a fact but fuck you, what’s the difference?) and easy to get into.

Listening to Body Moving and Super Disco Breakin’ over and over again on my portable CD player as loud as it could get, made me find myself a little. I was a chubby kid who wasn’t good at sports (yet.. I hit my prime and a fair amount J’s in peoples’ eyes when I finally went through puberty .. and then never again once everyone else did) and I didn’t have a lot of friends. My times with my headphones on, on long car rides or alone in my room dancing poorly, let me express myself, which wasn’t easy for 10-year-old-me.

On top of it all, there was Adam Yauch or MCA, who was my favorite. Every kid I knew who listened to the Beastie Boys loved Adrock. He truly was a force on mic and he had a lot of … I hate this word but.. swagger. He was the easy choice but he wasn’t my choice. I loved MCA the most because he was the badass and he had a lower voice like me. When he started rapping you knew it was him because of the way he commanded the track. Even if it was never true, rapping along with MCA made me feel, “dope as fuck.” A phrase that white boy from New England could never feel if it wasn’t for Mike D, Adrock, and MCA.

So to his family and friends who will never read this, I’m sorry for your loss. And to MCA- thanks for the memories and I’ll never forget the way you changed my life for the better and the weirder. If his death taught me anything it’s this- if you have the chance and money to see a group that you love- DO IT!!! Don’t let things like that pass you by because you don’t know how many chances you get to see some pioneers of rap.

You’ll notice the headline of this article is a hard and fast proclamation– there is no “if” about it.  Realistically, my grandiose retirement plans are very much dependent on winning the lotto so I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I’m going to do after it happens.  These plans may sound a little over the top to you, but there’s really no other option for me.  I’m either executing my plan with cold precision or I’m going to slowly kill myself with booze and McDonalds McGriddles.  That being said, here’s a quick breakdown of my plans for after I win the lottery.

Step #1. Four words:  Buy more lottery tickets.  Let’s face it, once you win the lottery, you need to invest your money in a safe place or else you risk financial ruin like so many professional athletes have discovered before me.  You got moocher friends asking for money to start up their own business, bad stocks, and crappy real estate investments are all risks wealthy people are asked to invest in every day.  What safer way is there to protect your money than to reinvest back into the way you got rich in the first place?  That being said, I’m buying a MINIMUM of 1 million additional lotto tickets.  You spend a million dollars, you get 150 million dollars back.  Absolute no brainer.

Step #2. Buy things.  After winning the lottery several times, I will be an extremely wealthy individual and I’ll probably want to buy something other than more lottery tickets.  I haven’t really thought about the material things I’m going to buy but you can bet your ass it will include the following:

an island

a mansion on my island

a McDonalds in my mansion that only serves breakfast and booze (think adult Richie Rich, but breakfast menu only)

a shit ton of McGriddles

Step #3. Die.  I guess the booze and McGriddles are gonna get me one way or another, so might as well do it in a baller ass mansion on my island.

PS – First song I’m listening to when I win the lotto:

Versatility 

One word – Awesome Blossom

The onion can be used to make this delicious, greasy, artery clogging concoction. At the same time, you can add it to any number of dishes to add that extra flavor. The flavor of the onion gives meat and other vegetables a reason to live. Have you ever tried to have a cheese-steak without the onions? The flavor is just not there!

Whether they are fried, sauteed, grilled, baked, or caramelized, the onion packs a bold flavor. Raw onions are also delicious on a burger, a taco, or just by themselves like an apple – I’m sure you’ve seen this on Iron Chef (though, he also eats a raw pepper if memory serves correctly).

Needless to say, the onion can be used in any type of dish. If you fail to add this delectable ingredient, you will be forced to miss out on the all encompassing flavor. If you say you hate onions, you hate flavor and I, in turn, hate you.

Flavor

What other vegetable makes you cry when you cut it? Are you mourning the death of the onion or celebrating what its about to do to your dish to make it spectacular? I think its a little of both. Wipe your tears, dear friend, because you are about to add the flavor profile that roast is begging for or that chili so utterly needs. Garlic, I’d like to give you a shout out here as well – when you and the onion pair up together, truly miraculous things happen in your mouth.

I think its hard to describe the flavor of an onion. If I had to tell someone who didn’t have a sense of taste what an onion tasted like, I think I’d fail miserably. I’m not even going to attempt to describe it because I’m hoping everyone out there knows the taste of an onion. The flavor profile is best described as the glue that bind a dish together. I made a stir fry the other day, forgot the onion, and was then thoroughly disappointed. I challenge you to leave the onion out, then tell me how shitty your meal was.

Texture

As the Awesome Blossom previously pointed to, the onion can come in many shapes, sizes, and textures. Fry an onion – onion rings. Chop an onion – raw, bitey, delicious, crunchy goodness. Caramelize an onion – smokey, soft, sweet flavor. Grill an onion – crunchy, charred bliss.

Whether you want the crunch or the soft texture of an onion, the world is your oyster. Do what you will to it. You want a red onion? Sure, throw that chopped up on some chili. You want some onions that are caramelized in butter ontop your wiener (of the hot dog variety)? Go for it!

The point is, your life would suck without the onion. You can live without a carrot or an asparagus/asparaguy. Can you live without the onion? You are now going to be extremely, hyper aware of the onion in your everyday diet. Embrace this fine vegetable, eat one like an apple, grill that baby til its charred, throw a pearl onion into your martini.

Next time you pull out an onion to chop, make sure it knows those aren’t tears of sadness but of joy for what your mouth is about to behold.

For me, facebook became a nervous tick. Something to do in my idle time. Except that my idle time turned into the wee hours in my bed when I wake up in the morning, after my first cup of coffee, in the elevator on my way to lunch, 2:00 pm, 4:00 pm, after work, 9:00 pm and then again before bed. Logging on to facebook became an extension of my every move and came to be part of every day’s definition.
And I know I am not alone.
I spent day after day writing on my friend’s walls and sending direct messages but never picking up a phone or meeting up for a drink. Instead, I would mechanically “like” post after picture. Instead, I would click through the latest album and fool myself thinking I was “in touch” with this person. Instead, I would take meaningless comments as declarations of real friendships.

The more my nervous tick or self-identified obsession with facebook (OKAY there I said it!!) grew, the more I felt alone. I can’t quite pinpoint what this loneliness was from, but I knew looking at x’s second and third child wasn’t helping. Neither was knowing every great (or horrid) thing about someone’s life before talking to them face to face, soul to soul. No longer were stories truly exceptional or exquisite as I had already seen it dumbed down for a brief status update. Facebook sure did it’s job, keeping me connected to the point that I felt alienated.
Kicking the habit was harder than I expected and it took a life changing conversation to give me the swift kick in the patootie, but I did it, and here is what I learned: Life is better without facebook and I may never go back.

When you leave the book, you lose the chain. No one is following your every move and seeing your day to day life from an outside lens. People are genuinely excited to see you and share their days with you, instead of listening to it for the second time, as they got it the first time around from your profile. When you see someone, you get to exclaim “You look great!” and genuinely mean it. Stories seem more interesting. Friends seem closer. The world doesn’t feel like it is filled with 23-year olds with two children and baby daddy drama. Life just gets better when you leave the book.
 

A couple of professionals at work.

If modern punditry has taught us anything, it’s this: conversation is a competitive sport. Building on that theme, the best way to win a conversation is not with thorough knowledge of the subject matter or even a viewpoint based upon a coherent ethos. No, if you’re looking to take down a linguistic opponent, you need to acknowledge the fact that you’re engaged in psychological warfare and accept that nothing is out of bounds. Once you’ve removed the competitive strait-jacket created by common decency and reason, you can launch a full scale attack on your opponent’s psyche before they’ve had a chance to say a word.

What follows is a set of strategies and basic phrases you can implement in a variety of social situations that will put your verbal sparring partner on the defensive, even if they weren’t aware they were competing in the first place.

The Thumbs Down. Americans have been flipping each other the bird since they were rocking Model T’s to silent movies, and frankly, it’s played out. Does anyone on the receiving end of the middle finger even get offended anymore? Certainly not me, I just assume that the giver of the one-finger salute is a douchebag and return to my usual routine of changing lanes without signaling and passing people on the right hand side while texting. If you really want your fellow motorist to do some soul-searching, flash them the thumbs down. It’s the open road equivalent of their parents sitting them down and saying, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Next time someone pulls out in front of you on a one-lane road even though there’s no one behind you, give them the thumbs down.  It’s the best way I know to break someone’s spirit that won’t leave you open to a road rage conviction.

The “Did you get fucked up last night?” Ask this early in any conversation with a slight undertone of disapproval in your voice and you’ll put your adversary on the defensive for the rest of the discussion. Asking “Did you get fucked up last night?” insinuates that the other person looks or smells like hell, even if they don’t.  Imagine going through your morning routine, checking yourself out in the mirror and feeling good before you walk out the front door only to have someone imply that you threw your ensemble together off your bedroom floor because you spent the previous night plowing through Jaeger bombs, Parliament Lights and morally casual local singles. You’ll spend the rest of the interaction wandering what you did wrong, which is exactly why you should be the first to say it and destroy your opponent’s morale before you even get around to making your point.

The “… because I know how you get.” What good is it doing something kind if you can’t make the recipient of your good deed feel uncomfortable to an extent that’s proportionate to or greater than your sacrifice? When walking to the car with two or more people and you’re not the driver, offer the front seat to someone else: “Hey, DangerMike, you can have the front seat because I know how you get.” In doing so, you offer a material perk (sitting in the front seat) at the expense of the recipient’s dignity. By throwing “because I know how you get” on the tail end of a generous proposition, you suggest that you’re making the offer because the recipient is a petulant child who would ruin your day unless they receive the object you’re offering. When they accept, they acknowledge that it’s true. Try using it when:

• Deciding who will hold the remote control
• Picking a restaurant on a Friday night
• Choosing between movies on your Netflix instant queue

The “(Insert demoralizing name here) was right about you.” It’s been said that one of the keys to being successful in business is not to take anything personally. However, it’s my opinion that you can become successful through a willingness to get more personal than anyone else.  When you find yourself in a situation that seems like it’s starting to get personal, that’s your cue to get even more personal and start pulling out names so far removed from the confrontation that you flip your opponent’s mind upside down. Suppose you find yourself in some kind of disagreement that’s escalating, it could be about anything from your failure to include the new cover sheets on your TPS reports at work to your roommate forgetting to take out the trash.  When the conversation reaches a point that it can be reconciled through compromise or continue to rage on by someone saying the wrong thing, defiantly drop this: “Lumberg/my mom/your ex-boyfriend/best friend was right about you.” I’d offer suggestions on how to proceed from there, but you’ve already firebombed their self-esteem and probably taken their will to live, just let your inner looter and rioter take care of any unfinished business.

That fence ain't gonna whitewash itself... which is why you need to trick your friends into doing it for you.

The “You know how to (insert desired action here), don’t you?” Daniel Vare once said, “Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.” This next tactic feels a lot more like manipulation, and probably is, but I’ll call it diplomacy so that I don’t infringe on Dick Chaney’s patent.  In any event, should you find yourself in a situation where something needs to get done and you have ample hands on deck besides your own to complete the task at hand, that’s when you’ll want to pull out this maneuver. For instance, you’re moving into your apartment with the assistance of a couple friends and the floor needs to be mopped.  All you need to do is come up with a reason for yourself to leave that sounds like work, such as, “I’m gonna drive back to the old place and see if there’s anything we forgot.” Then as you’re about to walk out the door, hand the mop to your friend, along with the following, “You know how to mop, don’t you?” Maintain eye contact for a quick moment to convey sincerity, and then bolt.  They’ll realize for themselves that if the job isn’t done before you return, they’re basically telling you that they don’t know how to complete this basic task. The beauty of this one is that you needn’t be a slave to the script. For instance:

• “I’ve gotta run to the bathroom, you know what’s in a martini, right?”
• “I’ll make the coffee, you’ve made an omelet before, haven’t you?”
• “I’ll grab some napkins, I’m assuming you know how to light a charcoal grill?”
• “We need some drinks, you’ve pumped your own gas before, right?”

At this point, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that after a week or two of regularly implementing these conversational strategies, people will probably stop liking you and you’ll start to feel your soul shrinking as if it were a grape becoming a raisin. Apparently, that’s the going rate for repeated and ruthless efforts to seize victory. Then again, it never seems to bother Kobe Bryant.