All posts in Worst Stuff Ever

Worst Stuff Ever: Women Liking Chris Brown

by mermaid on February 13, 2012 in Celebrity, Worst Stuff Ever with 6 Comments

Thanks to Chris Brown’s completely inappropriate return to the Grammy’s (by the way you shouldn’t have stopped at the backflip off the stage, you should have just continued off of Earth), the internet was abuzz with articles on why Chris Brown is a loser today. I could write a post on why I agree with this, because I wholeheartedly do. You are disgusting and unlike the other male public figures that get away with domestic violence (ahem Kobe, ahem Ben) you pleaded guilty. And somehow, women around the world, some of who I am embarrassed to know, still think you are the cat’s pajamas.
I’m not going to waste my time analyzing the sick intricacies of Chris Brown’s pathetic existence because I’d rather point out the real issue here and it has nothing to do with his woman-beating hands of the perfect specimen that is Rihanna.
GALS, WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU DOING IN LIKING CHRIS BROWN?


This is a fairly tame tweet compared to some others, but this is a great place to start. Let’s call you Nicole. Nicole, your FAVORITE part of the Grammy Awards was watching Chris Brown with his first Grammy? You didn’t think Adele’s performance was compelling? Or Rihanna’s duet with Chris Martin was worth writing home about? You disgust me. You have bad taste in music and even worse taste in men.

I shouldn’t even be this considerate in covering up your face and name after you publicly issued this statement. I am not only going to call you crazy but I am going to call you an embarrassment to the female sex. Let me get this straight, not only would you let Chris Brown within 10 feet of you (the minimum distance that protects Rihanna from his insane grip) but you would let him beat you, any day? Does that mean you would let Chris Brown beat you on your birthday? On the day you found out your were pregnant?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Are you talking to me?  Are you telling me to shut up? Because listen you clown, I will never shut up about Chris Brown being a woman beater. Because. He. Beats. Women.
With this kind of attitude you very well may find yourself in a violent relationship, and I promise it won’t be with someone anywhere near as wealthy as Chris Brown. There will be no perks, just black eyes and bruised faces. Also, his last name should be capitalized. Sheesh.

Well this dumb dumb actually acknowledges how awkward (sure that’s one way of describing it) it is that she likes the idea of Chris Brown beating her. But she ruins any iota of sanity that she may have by following it up with hashtag don’t even care. Well I care. I care that you think he is sexy, which he isn’t, that you love him, which you shouldn’t, and that you would allow Chris Brown to punch you in the face. Who are your parents? Do you have any? My guess is no. Otherwise you wouldn’t be contemplating letting a man punch-a-size your face for free.

So what’s the moral of the story?
Chris Brown is a loser. Whether or not the music world should prohibit him from performing isn’t an argument I am totally comfortable making. However, for women, my teammates on this planet, distant representations of myself, where is your girl power? Do you have no self-worth?

I have been accused of being hard on girls in the past for their behaviors. Yes world, I am aware that just because someone doesn’t do something I think they should, doesn’t make them wrong. (Learning curve, okay?) Thankfully it has been less because of things like this and more because of sour puss faces at bars, but where am I supposed to draw the line? I honestly think I hate these women that love Chris Brown.

It is bad enough that we let him frolic in the spotlight, but it is even worse that women find his deplorable behavior appealing. So yes, I will call you crazy, I will not shut up, and I will continue to judge you because you ladies, are truly the worst thing ever.

Your Christmas List 2.0

by dangermike on December 19, 2011 in Technology, Weekend Recap, Worst Stuff Ever with 2 Comments

Tomorrow is Tuna’s favorite day of the year so I just had to spread some Christmas Holiday Spirit. I actually got to hang out with Tuna for a swanky little dinner party I hosted last weekend and it was a good time and a great reason to post this picture:

Don't act like you aren't impressed.

And after I stuffed his face (so homo) with the finest meal he’d ever eaten we got to talking about Christmas Lists. I realized that all I really wanted were three things, which I’ll list below. I won’t spend to much time on Tuna because like I said in my last article, all he wanted was rubber-dildo-fists.

English: Southwest Airlines 737-300 N310SW. I ...

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1.) A brand new staff for Southwest Airlines

I’m poor and will be forever until people invest in my line of crotch-less yoga pants that I’m dropping this spring. Because of my lack of funds … all the time … the only airline I fly is DirtCheap Southwest. I actually kind of like Southwest because of its aforementioned low prices and also the open seating- no other airline lets you weigh the options before picking your seat (do I want an aisle seat next to a baby/fat, smelly dude or a middle seat next to a smokeshow?). They even serve you pretzels and peanuts in flight! There’s the Pros. Here is the Con- their mother fucking flight attendants. Someone needs to tell me when stewardesses became comediennes because I must have missed that news-break. Jokes with the seatbelt, jokes with the oxygen masks, jokes about crashing: “In the case of a water landing be prepared to … scream! Haha, just kidding. You can use your seat cushion as a flotation device. Or not because you’ll all be dead!” Yeah, that’s just what I want: jokes about my mortality while I’m strapped in a tin-can in the sky that, if it drops out of the air, will be my coffin. I don’t normally complain about professionalism but when I’m 1 billion feet in the air without a parachute, let’s keep it on the straight and narrow.

2.) SupaBoy 

This is the coolest thing I have ever seen/thought of in my life. In the 7th grade, I loved my Super Nintendo so much it didn’t bother me that I wouldn’t kiss my first girl for 5 years (a true and very sad story). Needless to say, I wasn’t very cool- at the time I was rocking braces for the second time in my short 13 year life and I had a very circular bowl cut that made my head look like a wiener. Penis heads don’t have a lot of friends in Junior High so I spent a lot of time alone. Imagine how much I would be benefitted by having a Supaboy! Imagine how much better I would be at Street Fighter II or maybe that ever elusive kissing thing. See, even though real girls weren’t an option, the lip-marks on the television in my family’s living room might show a different story between me and Chun Li. I’m not even embarrassed. Her thighs and posterior leave her 7th grade counterparts in the dust, am I right?

The official Miller Lite logo

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3.) Cheaper cheap beer

If getting drunk was like having sex, seeing a Miller High Life bottle would get me wet. And drinking it would make me squirt. So thank goodness they are different or else I’d never get drunk spitting my beer all over the place. My only problem is that cheap beer ain’t cheap enough. I like to drink at nice establishments and even if I’m downing pints of $4 Miller Lite for 4 hours, my tab is still going to be too rich for my blood (which, at that time, is watered down by half). I don’t really have a solution to this because I refuse to drink Vladimir or Aristocrat so Santa Baby, can you please put some cheap beer in my stocking this year?

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Bad Ideas.

by dangermike on December 15, 2011 in Worst Stuff Ever with 1 Comment
Three rubber ducks in foam bath

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I’m starting this article a little after 1:35 AM (this morning) but I’m a Night Owl so I’m just getting started. I actually think that I get my best ideas the closer I get to my TBSE deadline (my grammar and spelling suffer in the late-night/early-morning shake-up but whatever, content is content). My writing week normally starts on Sunday night when I think of a mediocre idea, flesh it out on Monday, realize it’s not funny at all on Tuesday, and scrap it the night before for something that makes fun of Tuna. And normally it’s a list because they are easy and no one [reads it anyway] complains. So I was sitting in my bubble bath at Midnight hating my informative post on Tuna’s Christmas list, which only included rubber sex toys in the shape of a human fist. So I scrapped it and an idea hit me- the worst ideas. This is going to be a list of shit you just shouldn’t do. They aren’t good for your health, well-being, whatever.

1.)Don’t buy clothes that are “Destroyed”-

You don’t order half-empty beer bottles and you don’t buy apple cores- wear your own clothes, jerk off. And don’t use Axe either, I walked into my apartment and my downstairs neighbors used so much of that shit, the stairs smelled like a GQ magazine. AND don’t get GQ magazine or those Muscle Fitness magazines or any magazine filled with shirtless dudes. Who are these mags appealing to? Don’t gay dudes just get Firemen Calendars and just call it a year? I obviously don’t know how this works

2.) Don’t take one more shot, trust me

3.) Don’t order a Tofu Burger on a first date-

Tofu is hella healthy but its fucking feminine. Girls want you to man up and get the Porterhouse because if you can’t ravage your own beef at dinner how are you gonna ravage her meaty Labia Majora in the bedroom? Trust me, eat the steak and man up.

4.) Don’t eat it if it looks weird, smells weird, tastes weird

5.) Don’t try to find out if your Mom sexts-

If I know you, your Mom is a little slutty and if you send her a winky face emoticon from your Pop’s cellphone she might reply with an MMS that you wish you could erase from your memory. That being said, DO try to find out if your friends’ Mom sexts. What if she does? That would be awesome, right? (Author’s Note- I just made you think about your Mom sexting.. good luck with that)

6.) Never Catch a Beat in a bubble bath…

7.) Try not to “trade” anything as a form of payment-

You aren’t five years old anymore so you should only make deals in money if you can. The problem with trading is miscommunication. You think they are going to give you Patriots tickets to a Pats-Jets in December but they just said tickets so you are stuck with preseason tickets against the Browns. You got hosed, my friend. The only tradable thing in my book is blow jobs. And no Tuna, I don’t mean that you should give them out for things (Don’t look at him now. He’s all sad now. He was all excited about blowing people for a Turkey Melt for lunch and I ruthlessly pulled the rug out from under him). But if a girl is willing to suck on your wiener for you to help her move, say yes but get payment in advance. You never know how many dudes she asked to help her and you don’t want to be the last to collect.

8.) Don’t tell your “friends” that you go to gingerboners.com-

This one should be self explanatory but they might tell everyone you know on a super popular website called, tbseblog.com. Maybe you’ve heard of it…

Морковь - Carrot

9.) Don’t click on “Veggie Play” on YouPorn-

Sure it sounds interesting but you like Carrots. Don’t ruin a healthy snack just because you are curious. However, if it says “Gourd Play” maybe you should click on it. It’s never a good idea to pass up an opportunity to get that weird.

10.) Don’t brag about the amount of beer you’ve had tonight-

I guess I can understand this one, you like to drink and you think you’re good at it. But you’re not. Bill Bradley, former NBA superstar and US Senator, wrote in his book, “when you aren’t practicing, someone else is” and they are getting better while you loaf around sober. So if you think it’s a wise idea to announce that you have drank 10 Miller Lites already tonight, whatever. COME AT ME, BRO. I will drink 11 Miller Lites and then 11 more just to shame you and your family. Some people have limits. Some people (me) don’t and will black the fuck out to maintain my honor.

 

Alright folks, there you have it- a list of 10 bad ideas. Also, does anyone know how to turn off this autocorrect on my fucking computer? C’mon Apple, this isn’t an iPhone, I don’t get it! I feel like my Grampa calling me to set up his Netscape…

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The Worst Kind of Sick: Functioning

by mermaid on November 29, 2011 in Day of Rage, Rants, Worst Stuff Ever with No comments

I ran myself into the ground this Thanksgiving. Between paddle tennis and a turkey bowl, a Michigan win over OSU, and many late night conversations I placed myself in a position susceptible to illness. Pair that with several sick cousins floating around in my personal space and little kids with runny noses sitting next to me on the plane and you have one sick mermaid.
I don’t get sick. Maybe a mild sore throat when fall becomes winter or a cough here and there, but other than that this gal is typically healthy as a horse.

Right now, I am the worst kind of sick. I call this: the functioning illness.

I am not laid up in bed unable to lift my head off the pillow, which is the debilitating illness. I am not bouncing around like Mary Sunshine feeling great despite a runny nose, which is symptoms present but full on sick is nowhere in sight. I am in the grey area between unwell and well. As a dear friend mentioned earlier, I am the kid with the grey cloud following over their head.

AND WE’RE ALL SICK. Everyone I am talking to and encountering is sick. How do we break out of the sickness (because we aren’t down with it) when we are all coughing and complaining next to each other? If we were all really sick, like swine-flu sick, we would all lay in bed for 2 days and enter a 48-hour coma and come out alive and kicking. Instead we are all functioning and moving our germs around and whining about it in the process because none of us are sick enough to call-in.

Here are the most pressing issues I am encountering as being a functional sick person: Why is my office so cold? Why does green tea taste like dirt? Why does dairy have to be bad for sore throats because right now I need a great cup of coffee more than ever? All questions for my nurse practitioner.

Not even a red gatorade can help. Woe is me.

Welcome to 1984

by swanznugget on October 26, 2011 in Day of Rage, News & Updates, Opinion, Worst Stuff Ever with 1 Comment

The Oakland PD denies claims that it used rubber bullets against peaceful unarmed U.S. citizens exercising their right to assembly as guaranteed by the Constitution.

As long as we’re barely posting, I’m going to go ahead and throw something up quoted verbatim from what I just posted on Facebook. This will piss off several of our contributors and more of our readers, as well as possibly get removed, and I really don’t care. I think it is completely unacceptable for aggressive force to be used on innocent civilians, much less U.S. citizens. The right to assembly is a Constitutionally guaranteed first amendment right. While you can argue that protestors were given warnings to disband, I can argue that the entire concept of protest permits and by extension a right to assembly with a number of asterisks and stipulations is in of itself antithetical to the Constitution. I love this country and I am disgusted by what has occurred in Oakland over the previous two nights (in addition to similar situations all across the country).

Without further ado.

Quoted verbatim from the U.S. Constitution. Know your rights:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” 

PLEASE WAKE THE FUCK UP. THIS IS HAPPENING IN YOUR COUNTRY.

There is absolutely no reason to be indifferent to or supportive of police decked out in riot gear attacking UNARMED AND PEACEFUL U.S. citizens – among them Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq war veterans, children, the elderly. THERE IS NO HONOR IN ATTACKING CIVILIANS in any country, much less OUR OWN.

If all men are created equal, then the rights of all men are diminished when the rights of one man are threatened.

When police attack innocent civilians peacefully assembling in Cairo, it’s plastered on network news for weeks. The citizens are rightfully lauded for their courage. The foundation of a representative government ensues.

When police attack innocent civilians peacefully assembling (a Constitutional right) in Oakland, or dozens of other U.S. cities, there’s a cloud of silence. I have tried to stay pretty measured about Occupy since its beginning, supportive of some of what it stands for and disagreeing with some of the ideas and methods it has discussed.

This began last night and has resulted in over 100 arrests and dozens of injuries. NBC reported it as a “smooth” and “peaceful” eviction. One Iraq War vet was hit in the head with a tear gas canister and was rushed to the ER. Support the troops!

But enough is enough. For all the talk that people levy against liberals or conservatives with tainted terms like socialism and fascism, this is one of many crystal clear examples of the developing underpinnings of an AUTHORITARIAN state. Ever read 1984 by George Orwell? That monstrosity is NOT happening in my fucking incredible country. We are so much better than this.

Contact Mayor Quan of Oakland: 510-449-4401, 510-238-3141
Contact the Oakland PD: 510-777-3333

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I’m going to dick punch the next person that says “Yeah, buddy”

by tuna on October 20, 2011 in Worst Stuff Ever with No comments
Ronnie Coleman 8 x Mr Olympia 2009 Melbourne, ...

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If I could somehow materialize that phrase into  something tangible made up of real molecules instead of just ideas and words, I would take that object, dig a deep hole, place it in the hole, messily shit all over it, and drop a large explosive on it.  From that point, I would burn the ground where the phrase was buried and salt the ashes.  There would be no documentation that this phrase ever existed.

Your revolution is over, Jersey Shore fans.  Condolences.  The guidos lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job.  The guidos will always lose.  Do you hear me, Jersey Shore fans?  The guidos will always lose!

That’s all I’ve got in my tank for today.  A worthless, angry, shit-covered rant.  For that, I’m sorry.

But from this point on, the only person allowed to say “yeah, buddy” is Ronnie Coleman.  So if your name isn’t Ronnie Coleman, then please stop.

Again, condolences.

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Worst Stuff Ever: The Decline of South Park

by thehorseyourodeinon on October 14, 2011 in Television, Uncategorized, Worst Stuff Ever with 1 Comment

I hope I’m not the only one who has noticed or who cares that South Park has been entirely unsatisfying for about the last year (the last spectacular episode in my mind having been the “Its a Jersey Thing” spoof of Jersey Shore). Now I have a couple ideas as to why this might be and they may all coexist to create the perfect storm of self satisfaction, I mean sub par imagination(land) and content: 1) The wildly successful Book of Mormon has stolen time, creativity and energy from the creators leaving only the scraps for their bread and butter, thus creating hope that as the hype around their Broadway show eases their cable show’s quality will subsequently  increase. 2) The Simpsons are no longer competition. You may say, “but wait there’s always Family Guy”, but that’s not really competition for these guys at this point either as that too has been declining for some time. 3) Paralleling this season’s lackluster episode “You’re Getting Old”, maybe I’m the one getting old and like funneling screwdrivers and drawing swastikas on friend’s linoleum floors, I’ve simply grown out of the show and/or its style of humor. 4) They’ve lost sight of their recipe for success, that is thought provoking social commentary coupled with humor and a willingness to push the edge with nearly every episode.

Whatever the reason behind the decline here’s to hoping they get their act together by next season. After all between South Park, Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia virtually every social situation I run into has some point of reference. Cancelling the show would mean losing 1/3 of  my social commentary jumping off points and without that I might have to become more original and who has the energy for that anymore?

 

Man’s Best Friend and Other Pet Suggestions

by El Jefe on October 10, 2011 in Advice, Great Debates, pets, Worst Stuff Ever with No comments

My parents got a new dog over the weekend. I wasn’t too surprised when they told me they were looking around a few weeks ago. Two of our three Schnauzers passed away this year, and my parents have always had multiple dogs in the house. They’re animal people, and animal people always think that one household pet is a lonely household pet.

They’re also in the process of building a horse farm in South Carolina (again, animal people).  My dad’s work schedule doesn’t allow him to stay at the farm while the barn goes up, leaving only my mom.  And since she’ll be calling the woods of nowheresville home for the foreseeable future, she decided that she needed a dog that could kill something, or someone, if necessary.  That’s why they got a Rottweiler.

I couldn’t be happier with their decision, frankly.  As a kid, you learn in one way or another that there are few breeds with more badassness than a Rottweiler.  They’re in the same category as German Shepherds, Dobermans, and anything that resembles Tom Hank’s co-star in Turner and Hooch.

With lists becoming all the rage on this blog lately, I decided that I would throw up my nominations for best and worst pets, excluding dogs.  You can tell me your thoughts/arguments.  Now, let’s begin with the best:

  1. Ferret – the only reason I put this is because of Kindergarten Cop.  If it’s good enough for Arnold, it’s good enough for me.  Seriously though, these little guys are cute as hell.  So what if they smell.  I just want to walk around my house with one living in the front pocket of my favorite sweatshirt.
  2. Snake – You get to feed it live animals.  Enough said.
  3. Sugar Glider – If you’re asking yourself, “what the fuck is a Sugar Glider,” don’t worry.  I had no idea what these little things were until six months ago.  My girlfriend’s brother has a couple.  He has sheets hanging all around his room so they can fly all over the fucking place.  It’s like he’s got his own 15×20 rainforest.  I want that.
Now with the bad:
  1. Birds – I had a friend in elementary school that had a parakeet or something along those lines.  He tried to convince me the thing was awesome, but that little fucker was a nightmare.  It never shut its mouth.  It bit everything with a pulse, and shit EVERYWHERE.  My buddy also killed it by accident, which means birds are pussies…unless it’s an eagle that you’ve trained to hunt for you.
  2.  Cats – I know this is probably going to make a lot of people mad, and I admit that some cats are awesome.  But when you buy a cat, there’s a good chance it’s just going to be weird as hell.  I’ve met way too many skittish cats in my day.  Just not friendly whatsoever.  And I’m sorry if some people think it’s cute when they start pricking your legs with their claws, but that shit hurts.  And it’s not like you can train them to do otherwise.  If you raise your voice to a cat, you’re basically asking it to run away, get a disease or impregnated.
That’s all I got, but I’d like to hear some other nominations.  Let me know what you think.
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