All posts in Tutorials & How-To’s

Boy King: The Times I Force Myself to Clean

 I know there are those of you out there who get home from work, make a meal, do the dishes, and wipe down all the counters before you succumb to your cloud of a bed. But I can’t do that. I like to explode a few Hot Pockets in the microwave, sear some bacon before I dump the grease and pan into my sink (sorry environment), and then crawl into bed covered in cheap pizza sauce and regret. I also believe eating in bed is the greatest thing ever and if you are too worried about the crumb situation then we were never meant to be together. Yet there are even moments when I get the bug, the urge, the wild and crazy notion that maybe my tiny studio apartment has become a bit of a pig pen. These are those times:

When My Parents Visit
This specific cleaning marathon is always brought on by memories of fear and disgust worn by my mother and father as they entered my college dorm room. We all knew what was on the other side: twice worn clothes all over the floor, faint smells of old beer coming from the trash, and worst of all for them – the possibility that near my bed lingered the smell of bodies being pressed together all night in a sweaty and drunken malaise. It’s hard to imagine why I thought submitting them to that was ever a good idea, especially when in 2 weeks I was going to have to come up with a legitimate reason for needing more money besides the usual “Pleaseeee, Mom. More $$$” text.

Yet for four years in college I absolutely submitted my two clean-freak parents to twice yearly thoughts of “Wait, do you do anything besides eat and drink your way through all this tuition money?” If only they would have just looked under my bed they would have seen the dozen or so text books I was ready to cram a week before finals intermixed with some socks and Burger King wrappers. You just had to look harder, guys.

When I Have a Date
I can’t imagine a worse scenario than an amazing date cut short by the murder scene of rotting food in my sink. We go out. You tell me you’re the one girl who has always loved Indiana Jones and the NBA. We agree that Meryl Streep is a goddess and a testament to naturally aging women. You even don’t give me a raised eyebrow questioning my masculinity when I tell you I love helping my mom pick out shoes. “Stuart Weitzman has been killing it” I’ll say, and you’ll laugh as we get more drunk and kiss outside on the walk back.

Imagine all of this crashing down around me as I push open the door to my apartment to reveal the recent weeks worth of clothes next to my bed, my kitchen trash  quite visible through the slot of the garbage can, and a few stains on my unmade bed that make you think “That’s pizza sauce? Right?”

I can already hear your excuse about cramps or work in the morning as you hang from my bathroom window and make your escape into the alley below. Please come back. I’ll pour you a glass of the $10 red wine that’s half gone and has been left out for 3 days. Please, just come back.

When I Have Work to Do
It’s impossible for me to get anything productive done in an environment where I spent the last few days living in a world we can aptly sum up as “sweatpants”. Perhaps it is the procrastinator inside me who hates sitting down and finally hammering out that 10 page essay, those 50 emails or that elusive blog post. Or maybe it’s that I associate the mess with a general state of laziness and can’t buckle down until the world around me is reflection of the control I wish to express over my work. Whatever the case, the first thing I’ll do is prepare by chugging three cups of coffee. Then I’ll scrub the floors and clean the fridge while the dishwasher and laundry machine are both churning simultaneously. Once completed, I usually think, “Motherfucker! How is it 2 am?!” and realize I should have started everything about 12 hours ago.  But hey! At least I have a clean apartment.

When We Break Up
This is always one of the most productive times of my life. I think it’s a subconscious urge to move on. It’s as if I’m trying to scrub out all the details of the other person’s presence. But I swear to god, I will have an emotional breakdown at 7 am when I’m rummaging through my apartment looking for my keys only to find the movie tickets from that time we got drunk in the back row on brass monkeys.

Get out of my life. Out with your toothbrush and half used bottles of shampoo. Out with the ice cream that only you really like and the crunchy peanut butter that I couldn’t even eat if I wanted. Out with the underwear you accidentally left under my bed and the stains your clumsy hands left on my side table. When we break up, the trash goes out, the floors get scrubbed and my sheets get washed. Get your smell out of my bed.
I’m taking back my space.

Of course, no promises on the whole getting horribly drunk later and texting “I just want to make out one more time” thing.  That takes a little longer to wash away.

Greatest Sex Move Ever

The Bloagie.

What is the bloagie you ask? Let me ask you a question, whats better than a hoagie? A blowjob, that’s correct. What happens when you combine a delicious Italian sub like this one, and a delightful felatial experience?

Well, lets just say, some amazing things happen. Let me break this down for you: you are probably wondering how a delicious hoagie and a blow job go together. You are also probably curious the logistics of how one is supposed to get a bloagie. It goes a little something like this: you get a blow job and you eat a hoagie during said beej which yields one incredible bloagie. Where did this come from? I have no clue but a very esteemed lawyer friend told me about this amazing move and I have been wanting to try it ever since.

Now, with the bloagie, I have heard a few issues which I think need addressing before you go off and ask your SO to go down on you while you go down on a $5 footlong (for all our sakes, step it up and get something better than Subway). The first main concern is jealousy: I’ve heard the lady folks say they want a sub too! Well, you are in luck because I think its completely fair that you can enjoy a sub too. Whats oil and vinegar but a nice lube? Its already on salami so having it on your salami, is that too far a stretch? The second, more concerning issue, is the concern that a bloagie is demeaning. Now, I think this is a fair complaint but this just goes to show that this individual didn’t understand the power of a beej. Every female should know that a good beej is going to have us eating out of the palm of your hands. If the world was ruled correctly, bj’s would get shit done! Now, what can you think of that would add to this power women have over men? …comboing a hoagie WITH the bj? I rest my case.

I guess the only thing we need to worry about is the total domination factor that may transpire once the bloagie becomes a mainstream movement. Until then, order your favorite cold cuts on some delicious Italian bread, loaded with toppings, lay back and enjoy the best seconds or minutes of your life.


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KingSize WordPress Sidebars & Widgets

Here we have Rob laying up a put up to his own girlfriend.  Turrible.

This template comes with 2 widget ready sidebars and 1 widget ready footer. To include widgets, locate the area titled “Appearance” in your sidebar and select the “Widgets” from that menu selection.

Post / Blog Sidebar

Inside “Widgets” you will see a sidebar area titled “Main Blog Sidebar” and it is this sidebar that will appear throughout your website where specified. You just need to use the desired widgets of your choice, drag and drop into this area, then click save and you’re done.

Inside Theme Settings “KingSize WP” you can disable the sidebar for a full width blog post and archives if you wish not to use the sidebar.

Contact Sidebar Details

This widget area is designed for your Contact Page. When you assigned the Page Template “Contact“, its here this sidebar will be active. You can either use the custom widget we’ve included to insert your “additional contact details”, or add other widgets of your choice to this area by dragging and dropping them into this sidebar.

Footer Widget Ready

Here you’ll find 3 widget ready areas designed for your footer. Each specific to the footer, one is designed for the left, another for the center and lastly the right footer column. You can also disable this footer section via Theme Settings > “KingSize WP” at anytime.

Alike with the other widgets, you can drag and drop the desired widgets you wish to use.

KingSize Twitter Widget

To enable the KingSize Twitter widget in your sidebar, you need to go to “Appearance” > “Widgets” and locate the appropriate titled widget there. Now left click to drag and drop into the appropriate sidebar desired. Once selected, the widget will expand automatically asking you for some details to finalize the setup. You’ll be required to provide:

  1. Twitter Username (without @): So I would then enter “denoizzed” or “ourwebmedia” without the @.
  2. Widget Title: Is the name of this widget. So I would then enter “Recent Tweets” or similar.
  3. Set the # of Tweets to Display: By entering in the number “5″ it will display the 5 most recent tweets.

Kingsize Gallery Widget

To enable the KingSize Gallery widget in your sidebar, you need to go to “Appearance” > “Widgets” and locate the appropriate titled widget there. Now left click to drag and drop into the appropriate sidebar desired. Once selected, the widget will expand automatically asking you for some details to finalize the setup. You’ll be required to provide:

  1. Title: This would be the name of the Widget you want when shown in the frontend sidebar.
  2. How many images: Is the number of images I want to display, so I would enter the number “3″.
  3. Order by: Option to order the images displayed either by “Random” or “Latest” added images.
  4. Image Link Type: Allows you to link to either the “Image”, “Article” or “Page” associated with that image.
  5. Image Hover Title: Also provides optional selection for where the image leads to.
  6. Show only 1 image per post: “Yes” will use only one image from each gallery, while “no” will select recents.

For further assistance, please visit

Using the KingSize WordPress Slider

To enable your Homepage Background Slider, make sure that inside the Theme Settings, you’ve already enabled this feature.

From this point, beneath the KingSize WP menu option you will see “Background Slider“, you’ll want to select this menu item…

Uploading Slider Images

When inside the “Background Slider” section, at the very top you will see the option to “Choose File” and when clicked will open a new window that allows you to select from your desktop (or anywhere within your computer) the images you want used within the slider. Now select the image and click “Open” once you’ve decided which image you want used. You can upload a maximum of 10 at a time.

Managing Slider Images

Now that you’ve uploaded those images, you probably want to organize them to display in the order you want. So from top to bottom, the rotation is in this order. You can easily drag and drop those images in the order you want at which point once dropped into place they are automatically saved in that order. You can re-order these images at anytime you wish, simply by repeating these steps.

Managing Slider Preferences

Now if you want to manage the direction, transition types, intrevals (in seconds) or to disable the background slider, you just need to head back to the “General Theme Settings” and scroll down till you see the section titled “Homepage Background Slider Preferences” and make the changes you desire to see made. Each option has beside it a helpful tooltip when mousing over the questionmark icon.

Disabling the Slider

To disable the slider just go into the General Theme Settings and uncheck the enabled slider box. You will want to make sure that the “Global Background Preferences” has an image uploaded and saved as this will become your static single background image on the homepage. With no image assigned here as your background, the homepage will by default show a black and unoccupted background.

For further assistance, please visit

Using the KingSize WordPress Portfolios

Inside your WordPress Dashboard, in the left-hand sidebar you will see the “Portfolio” menu option. Click this and you will have the option to view all “Portfolio” items, “Add New” portfolio items, and create “Portfolio Categories” that you can use to organize the different type of portfolios you wish to display on your site. This also enables you the ability to create multiple portfolios and assigning categories.

Adding in New Portfolio Items

It’s pretty simple and we’ll show you here how simple it is…

  1. Click “Add New” portfolio item.
  2. Type in the title of your portfolio item where it says “Enter title here“. For example, you could create a “Photography” portfolio.
  3. Use the “Content Editor” to insert the portfolio item details.
  4. Beneath here you will find the corresponding “write-panel” options for your portfolio item.
  5. The first option is to “Upload an Image“, this is if you want a single portfolio image instead of a video.

    Click “browse“, upload your image and click “insert” or copy and paste URL. Clicking insert automatically adds the URL.

    You’ll need to include the “Image Thumbnail“, click browse > upload > insert image. This is your portfolio thumbnail image.

    Next you can paste the URL of your YouTube or Vimeo videos.

    You can also insert the “Embedded Code” for your video’s.
  7. Next you’ll have the option to insert the “Excerpt” that is displayed on the Portfolio page. This is the brief information shown beneath the thumbnails in the Portfolio main page.

That’s all you do to add your portfolio items. It’s that simple and fast.

Creating a Portfolio Page

So now you’ve successfully added a Portfolio item(s), you’ll now want to know how to display those items. To do this, you need to create a new page using the page template “Portfolio” and once you create a Portfolio Page, you just simply assign which category for your Portfolios you want displayed and the rest is done automatically.

  1. Go to “Pages” in your sidebar and click “Add New“.
  2. Title the portfolio page accordingly, ie., “Music Videos” or “Photography“. Yes, you can create multiple portfolios by creating new pages.
  3. In the right sidebar of this page, look for “Page Attributes” and select from the dropdown “Portfolio“. This will assign that page the Portfolio template you’ll be using.
  4. Scroll down till you see the “write-panel” and you’ll need to setup a few options:

    Select a Portfolio Category: This uses the Categories you created for your Portfolio.

    If you created a category called “Photography” and you want this specific page to display all your photography images, than you would select that associated category to be used.

    Portfolio Page Layouts: Although looks best with TWO and THREE column layouts, we have also made available the other layouts which are also used by the galleries for your interest.
  5. Lastly, you still have the option to assign a custom background image for this specific page. So get creative!

If you want text to show above your portfolios, when creating this page, just add the text to the contents box / editor and that text will display above the portfolios as shown in the demonstration.

Once you have created this page, you’ll want to link it to your menu / navigation. To do this, go to “Appearance” > “Menus” and add the new page you just created to your navigation. Add a brief description if desired, click save and once done you should be able to see the new item in your menu.

For further assistance, please visit

Creating KingSize WordPress Galleries

Here we will provide you with some details pertaining to your custom Gallery Templates. All the need-to-know facts are found below, including steps. For further information, read the FAQ’s at the bottom of the page or submit a support ticket to our website for more help. Documentation also includes helpful information not included in this post.

Five Different Gallery Types

Don’t feel restricted by just one type of gallery. Instead, pick from the 5 pre-configured galleries. Each offering a unique lightbox effect that differs from the others leaving you with plenty of choices to choose from.

Four Different Gallery Layouts

When using the KingSize WordPress galleries, you can assign various gallery layouts. We’ve given you 4 options to choose from.

How to Create Gallery Pages

It’s quite simple, we’ll walk you step by step through the process of setting up your galleries. We promise, if you follow these steps you’ll have absolutely no difficulties. If all else fails, please watch the video tutorials in the “Documentation” folder and open “help.html“.

  1. Inside your WordPress dashboard, you want to “Add a New Page“. These galleries are only available on pages.

  3. Once you’ve selected “Add a New Page” and it has loaded, look to the right and you will see “Page Attributes” and beneath here you’ll find “Template“. The standard selection will be “Default Template” but if you view the drop-down menu it will also list all the other available “Page Templates” we’ve created for KingSize.

  5. You will want to select the Gallery Template of your choice. As mentioned above, you have 5 available for you to choose from. You will want to select one of the following page templates: Colorbox, PrettyPhoto, Fancybox, Galleria or SlideViewer.

  7. Now once you’ve selected the Gallery Template, you’ll want to scroll down a little beneath the content editor and you will see some write-panel options, each details its purpose.

  9. Select a Gallery / Portfolio Page Layout - Here is where you would select from 2 columns, 3 columns, 4 columns and grid layouts to be used with that specific gallery.

  11. Now that you have selected the Gallery Template and Layout, you will want to upload the images for your gallery. For the purpose of our buyers, we have made it so you do NOT have to insert the galleries directly into your page. Instead, what you will want to do is locate the icon at the top where it says “UPLOAD / INSERT” and click the first icon, “Add an Image“.

  13. Next we will want to “Choose Files to Upload” so click the “Select Files” button. This will open a new window that enables you the ability to browse your desktop for images. You can select multiple images at once by using CTRL + Left-Click. Once you have found the images you want to upload, click the “OPEN” button. This will close that browse window and you will see the images loading / crunching.

  15. Now click “SAVE CHANGES” and that’s it! Do NOT insert the gallery. It will be automatically inserted when published.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Why are my images not showing up?

  • There are a few reasons this could be happening, but the most commonly seen issues are one of the following things:

    1. Didn’t set the folder permissions to 777.

    … /wp-content/themes/kingsize/cache



    2. Uploading images that are gigantic in size. Use more optimized image sizes. Better for timthumb.

  • How do I manage my images added?

  • You can organize your gallery images by opening the gallery page, clicking the “Add an Image” icon, select in the new window the “Gallery” tab and here you’ll find all the images added. You can drag and drop to rearrange, click “Show” beside the image to edit the image properties and etc. For more details, see the video tutorials.

  • I am seeing duplicate gallery images.

  • You’ve “inserted” the gallery. DO NOT insert the Galleries after uploading images. They’re automatically inserted when saved.

  • Can I create more than one gallery?

  • Yes. Just create a new page and follow those steps mentioned above. Title your new gallery accordingly.

  • How can I add text to my galleries?

  • Inside the content editor, type in the description and details.

  • Can I enable comments on individual gallery images?

  • Unfortunately not. However, you can enable the comments for the Gallery page itself. If you have not done so already, you will need to look to the top of your “Edit / Add Page” and you’ll see “SCREEN OPTIONS“, click this and it will toggle outward. Here you’ll see “DISCUSSIONS“, check the box beside it and beneath the write-panel you’ll see you now have the ability to enable or disable the comments.

  • Can I add galleries to Blog Posts?

  • Unfortunately the custom Gallery Templates we’ve created are only available on pages. However, you can use the Native WordPress Media Galleries and “insert” the gallery into your post. If you want to have the lightbox effect, when adding in the galleries, select the “Link to Image” option. You do not want to “Link to Attachment Image“.

For further assistance, please visit

WordPress Gallery

You can now use the WordPress gallery with lightbox applied. All you have to do is create a post like you normally would, upload / insert the images using the icon at the top of your post. When you go to insert the gallery, change the “Link Thumbnail To” from the default setting (Attachment Page) to “Image File” instead. Publish / Save your post and your good to go.