All posts in Smorgasbording

It’s like waterboarding, only without the wet clothes and awkward goodbyes!

Before we start smorgasbording this week, I’d like to send a quick shout-out to the ladies and gentlemen at Pfizer. Thank you so much for doing your part to help control the overpopulation problem that is starting to ravage our beautiful country.  If you can’t tell by now, I’m being completely sarcastic. Thanks to Pfizer and its birth control recall, we’re going to have thousands upon thousands of unwanted babies popping out in nine months. Yup, Cleetus and Bobby Jo will welcome their eighth child into the world in late October while D’Shonn and Shaniqwa will give birth to their 12th kid in November. Of course, that has nothing to do with birth control – silly me. Anyway, hooray Pfizer!

It’s long been my (unrealistic) belief that there should be some requirements one must meet before procreating. Harvey Danger said it best when they sang, “I’ve been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding.” Perhaps an IQ test or something along those lines. If your IQ is lower than 80, no kids for you! Hitleresque? Perhaps, but you’ll thank me later when the world isn’t caving in on itself due to overpopulation. Let’s be honest, the human race is the worst virus on Earth – there’s no cure and it’s spreading incredibly fast.

Alright, let’s smorgasbord!

A Great Debate

I touched on this very briefly a few Smorgasbordings back, but curiosity got the best of me and now I must know for sure.

Is it worse to go to the bathroom in the dead of winter or the dead of summer?

First of all, I’m not talking about going in the comfort of your own home. Anybody can be comfortable and care-free while they sit on their porcelain throne ruling over the imaginary peasants who reside in your bathroom. I’m talking about using public facilities. Let’s draw from two common experiences – a concert in the summer and a football game in the winter. Now,  I can only speak from a guy-who-doesn’t-take-shits-in-public perspective, so I’m interested to hear what the girls think. I do know, however, that a cold toilet seat is an awful start to the bathroom experience.

So you’re in the parking lot, baking under the July sun and pre-gaming for a concert when you decide it’s time to break the seal. You look around and spot the sea-foam green landmark you’ve been searching for. You rush over to the porta-john and open the door. Like a punch in the face, the humid stench of human feces overpowers you. It’s so hot and wet, you can almost taste it. You take one last breath of fresh air into your lungs, hold it in and close the door behind you. It’s about 90 degrees outside, so naturally it’s 115 degrees in the PJ. As you piss, beads of sweat begin to make their way down your face. It’s a god-damn shit sauna! Finally, you finish up and bolt outside like a SEAL Team 6 member breaking down Osama Bin Laden’s door. Freedom at last!

It’s five months later, the middle of December, and you’re tailgating at a football game with friends. You need to drain the lizard so you stumble over to the nearest porta-john. Remembering your experience from July, you decide not to risk it and begin holding your breath before the door to the PJ even opens. Luckily for you, the frigid temperatures have subdued the smell of shit. You smile giddily until you realize you’re about to piss yourself. Frantically, you begin to work through the four layers of clothing you’ve piled on in order to stay warm during the game. You finally reach your goal, just in time… but you forgot to prepare for ice-cold fingers touching your member. Needless to say, your penis is not happy with you. After 10 seconds of pleading with it, you’re able to piss and all is right with the world again.

Frankly, it’s a toss-up. Neither is a particularly great scenario. In my opinion, however, going to the bathroom in the summer is worse than going in the winter. That smell of wet, rancid shit is just too much to overcome. On a completely unrelated note – guys, how much does it suck when you finish pissing and you give a few shakes only to realize after the fact that you didn’t shake enough? Nothing more pleasant than a few drops of warm liquid trickling down your leg!

Good Tunes on the Horizon

For those of you who live in or around Rhode Island, you know good concerts are few and far between. For whatever reason (probably because we’re the smallest state in the union), solid bands just don’t like making their way into the 401. Anyway, 2012 appears to be getting off to a strong start.

This coming Thursday at Providence’s Firehouse 13, there will be a real good show featuring Jamie’s Elsewhere, Icon for Hire and my friends in World in Arms (among others). Be there or be… where. There. Tickets are cheap, so I’ll see your fine asses at the show.

Also right around the corner, Fun. will be playing at The Met in Pawtucket on March 1 and Death Cab for Cutie will be playing at Veterans Memorial Auditorium in Providence on April 23.

Maybe, just maybe, this will be a good year for shows in Rhode Island. Regardless, I still miss the cozy confines (and probable fire hazards) of The Living Room.

Movie Clip of the Week

(Bet you didn’t know Jason Segel was in Can’t Hardly Wait.)

Randominities

• I thought grape Pop-Tarts would be delicious. I was wrong.
• I’m nervous for Sunday’s Super Bowl. That’s all I’m going to say on the subject.
• Thanks to JCPenney, I now have nightmares about menopausal women screaming at the top of their lungs.
• Yeah, global warming is definitely a fake term created by politicians in order to drum up support…
• The best places to grab a beer typically look like the worst, from the outside at least. Never judge a book by its cover, or a brew by its bottle for that matter.
• Quick list of favorite college basketball players of all-time: 1) Randolph Childress – Wake Forest, 2) Tim Duncan – Wake Forest, 3) Mateen Cleaves – Michigan State, 4) Shawn Respert – Michigan State, 5) Chris Paul – Wake Forest, 6) CC Harrison – N.C. State, 7) Jonathan Beerbohm – Boston College, 8) Anthony Atkinson - Barton, 9) Ace Custis – Virginia Tech, 10) Kiwane Garris – Illinois. Now you know.
• True statement: I was not pleased when North Providence, RI native Ryan Cimorelli got the boot from The Next Great Baker. I was even less pleased when Marisa Lopez won. She is a bitch.