All posts in Random Thoughts

13 Resolutions for 2013

I’ve been asked several times in the past couple weeks what my New Year’s resolutions were.  Truth be told, I didn’t have any.  My response was I’d have to get back to you because I don’t have any yet.  Well as of today, you’re in luck because I finally decided to put together a list of resolutions for 2013.  I tried to make it a mix between totally feasible to slightly more difficult to achieve because I like variety.

1. Less beer, more scotch

Ideally I’d like to cut back drinking in general to a couple times a month, but realistically, I’ll probably continue to drink weekly.  Scotch was my grandfather’s drink of choice back in his drinking days and it’s about time I come to appreciate it.  Also, beer just weighs me down and I drink it too fast.  I’m thinking Macallan will be my Scotch of choice.

2. More scratch tickets (~5% of weekly income)

Gotta diversify my income somehow.  Plus, someone’s gotta pay the bills for TBSE.

3. Weekly blog posts

Writing blog posts requires some thought and creativity so it helps me stay sharp.

4. Partake in Meaty Mondays (double serving to meat to counteract the Meatless Monday movement)

More of a dig at my vegetarian friends, but I gotta eat a lot of protein if I wanna get swole.

5. Get swole

Why wouldn’t I want to get swole?

6. Complete an entire game of Risk

The Ukraine is not weak!

 

7. Handwrite letters to people

I’ve got stamps and envelopes… just no paper.  Maybe I’ll write letters on weird things like napkins, paper towels, whatever I can scrounge up and send them out.  Fun fact: you can mail a Kraft Single with a stamp and address on it.

8. Eat breakfast every morning

Some would say it’s the most important meal of the day.  It’s time I gave it a shot.

9. Pet a jungle cat

I stole this resolution from someone else, but it would probably be awesome so it’s making my list as well.

10. Take a spontaneous flight at the airport

Something I’ve always thought about doing but haven’t actually done.  Considering I live 15 minutes from the airport, there’s no reason not to.

11. Attend music festival

Having been to JazzFest in 2011 and Firefly in 2012, I’d like to keep it going as an annual thing.

12. Play on a blob

Not sure how I’ve lived to be 25 and haven’t played on a blob yet.

13. Lose 20 lbs

Between eating breakfast and getting swole, I think 20 lbs is doable.  Plus I needed a generic resolution to throw on the list.

 

Facebook Poking Guidelines

Me : “Hey Mike, I poked Bertha on Facebook and she poked me back!”
Mike : “Oh, a classic facebook poke. She’ll be biting your pillow in no time!”

What kind of immature, pathetic attempt of a grown human adult still uses the Facebook poke you ask?  I’ll tell you.  Pretty much everyone, including myself. Why exactly… I don’t know. Because it’s easy? Because it’s fun? Because it’s a stupid way to briefly remind someone you exist?  I’m sure everyone has their reasons, but is there actually some universal meaning to a poke?  The answer is yes and no, depending on the situation of course.  Let’s take a look at some of the different reasonings behind the poke and break them down so you can go on living your life and stop stressing out about that poke you got from Jimmy your freshmen year of college.

The Flirtatious Poke – Probably the most common poke in the Facebook universe.  Obviously you want to bang/date/marry them so the only appropriate measure is to poke them on Facebook.  Most people would have a problem sending a message saying, “Hey, we should bang sometime!”  The obvious solution: poke em.  Poke em til you can physically poke them with your genitals.  It’s a fool proof plan and it will definitely work.  If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times– “electronic facebook poking is the quickest way into a the pants of the significant other you’re interested in getting into the pants of.”   Also effective: stop being a fucking sissy and ask them on a date.

The Friendly Poke – Just a lil, “hey, how ya doin”” poke.  From a personal standpoint, this is probably my most commonly used poke.  Not necessarily a sexually charged poke, but more of a “we used to be friends, but now we barely talk so I’m just going to poke you and see if it leads to more substantial conversation.”  I like this one because it usually works.  It’s an easy way to get a conversation going without actually initiating a conversation.  Also effective: being a normal human being and using your cell phone to call them.  Quit being such a squid and do a better job at keeping in touch with people.  Write them a letter or something, ferchristsake.

The Poke War Poke – Sometimes you just want to start a poke war with someone.  That’s pretty much it.  Personally, I’ve got 2 or 3 poke wars currently unfolding.  I just like getting the lil red notification box when I get a poke because my life is average.  Usually my poke wars are with people I’m already pretty good friends with but I’ve heard of all out poke wars with near strangers.  Also effective: having close friends in real life that you can count on to hang out with instead of exchanging pokes with.

 The Random Stranger Poke – Easily the creepiest poke out there.  Stalking around Facebook and see an attractive member of the opposite sex?  Just poke em and let the courtship begin.  I can hear the wedding bells now!!  Also effective: don’t poke strangers… especially in real life.  That’s some straight sexual harassment type shit.

Well, writing this article has been a pleasure because it has been fun to think about and more importantly, a poignant criticism of myself and my own poking habits.  While breaking down the meaning of pokes, I’ve come to realize the true laziness that is the poke and that I should instead of poking people, do more of the “also effective” suggestions I came up with while writing the article.

Who am I kidding? POKES 4 LIFE.

*Poke*

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Cashin’ Checks, Breakin’ Necks–New City, New Job, New Post

What’s up team?  I haven’t written a blog post since… maybe July?  Maybe October 2010?  I don’t even know.  Did I ever really blog?  Self-admittedly, no.  I pretty much just posted the occasional youtube video and some sentences jumbled together to resemble blog posts.  I basically started this site and let the poor saps that offered to help contribute do most of the grunt work, i.e. produce quality content, while I sat back like a fat cat and and cashed the checks.  If all goes as planned, I’ll hit the $100 in revenue mark from Google Ads next month and my two year plot to get $100 from Google will finally be complete.  Then I’m cashing that check built on the literary prowess of writers much greater than myself and hightailing my pale ass to May-hee-co.  YEEEEEEEAAAHOOOOOOOOO.

That’s actually not true, but you can bet your fucking hiney I’m cashing that $100 check and not sharing a dime with those suckers.  I’m like 200 bucks in the red just paying for the site and keeping everything up and running.  Gotta defray the costs somehow.  Sorry Dangermike.

Anyways, I figured I’d take this time to fill you in on my life as things have changed drastically in the last five or so months.  Here’s a a little recap going back to June.

June 1: Turned 25, quit my job

July 15: Started new job

July 17: Quit new job

July 20-22: Attended Firefly Music Festival

End of July: Became single.

August/September: Unemployed

October 12: Moved to Boston

October 15: Started new job in Boston

November – Present: Grew a sweet mustache and currently enjoying life in Boston.

There you have it.  Almost 5 months summed up in 35 words and a lame ass picture of me featuring my burly mustache.  There’s actually a greater reason for this particular post than to just fill you in on my life and what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been getting the itch to write and I’m thinking about bringing back TBSE part time and posting two or three respectable articles a week.  I’m just floating this post out there to see what kind of traffic it’ll get and see if people still read TBSE.  If you read this, nice!  I’ll probably keep posting anyways, but still, that’s nice of you!  I like it.  Keep coming back for more.  In the meantime, enjoy Jesse and the Rippers.

What I’m Going to Do When I Win the Lottery

I’m either winning the lottery tonight or I’m going to slowly kill myself with booze and McDonalds McGriddles.  That being said, here’s a quick breakdown of my plans for after I win the lottery.

Step #1. Four words:  Buy more lottery tickets.  Let’s face it, once you win the lottery, you need to invest your money in a safe place or else you risk financial ruin like so many professional athletes have discovered before me.  You got moocher friends asking for money to start up their own business, bad stocks, and crappy real estate investments are all risks wealthy people are asked to invest in every day.  What safer way is there to protect your money than to reinvest back into the way you got rich in the first place?  That being said, I’m buying a MINIMUM of 1 million additional lotto tickets.  You spend a million dollars, you get 150 million dollars back.  Absolute no brainer.

Step #2. Buy things.  After winning the lottery several times, I will be an extremely wealthy individual and I’ll probably want to buy something other than more lottery tickets.  I haven’t really thought about the material things I’m going to buy but you can bet your ass it will include the following:

an island

a mansion on my island

a McDonalds in my mansion that only serves breakfast and booze (think adult Richie Rich, but breakfast menu only)

a shit ton of McGriddles

Step #3. Die.  I guess the booze and McGriddles are gonna get me one way or another, so might as well do it in a baller ass mansion on my island.

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What Happens When You Leave The Book

Three weeks ago I broke up with facebook and got back together with my life.
My mother always told me that the worst kind of people are those that have someone waiting on the side for when a relationship ends, but in this case I tend to disagree. My relationship with facebook had jumped the shark and my life was hanging over my shoulder begging for some attention, so I listened to my other lover and cut the chord. With a few clicks I ‘deactivated’ my account and haven’t looked back since.
Why did I delete facebook?

The better questions would be, “Why do I spend x # of hours a day looking at people I don’t talk to (and don’t even like)? Why do I drool over girl’s from my past and their latest baby drama and/or nose job? Why do I spend time looking at a boy that coulda- shoulda- woulda been?” Are any of these individual’s realities better than mine that I should spend my precious time devouring their status updates and photo uploads? The simple answer… hell no.

For me, facebook became a nervous tick. Something to do in my idle time. Except that my idle time turned into the wee hours in my bed when I wake up in the morning, after my first cup of coffee, in the elevator on my way to lunch, 2:00 pm, 4:00 pm, after work, 9:00 pm and then again before bed. Logging on to facebook became an extension of my every move and came to be part of every day’s definition.
And I know I am not alone.
I spent day after day writing on my friend’s walls and sending direct messages but never picking up a phone or meeting up for a drink. Instead, I would mechanically “like” post after picture. Instead, I would click through the latest album and fool myself thinking I was “in touch” with this person. Instead, I would take meaningless comments as declarations of real friendships.

The more my nervous tick or self-identified obsession with facebook (OKAY there I said it!!) grew, the more I felt alone. I can’t quite pinpoint what this loneliness was from, but I knew looking at x’s second and third child wasn’t helping. Neither was knowing every great (or horrid) thing about someone’s life before talking to them face to face, soul to soul. No longer were stories truly exceptional or exquisite as I had already seen it dumbed down for a brief status update. Facebook sure did it’s job, keeping me connected to the point that I felt alienated.
Kicking the habit was harder than I expected and it took a life changing conversation to give me the swift kick in the patootie, but I did it, and here is what I learned: Life is better without facebook and I may never go back.

When you leave the book, you lose the chain. No one is following your every move and seeing your day to day life from an outside lens. People are genuinely excited to see you and share their days with you, instead of listening to it for the second time, as they got it the first time around from your profile. When you see someone, you get to exclaim “You look great!” and genuinely mean it. Stories seem more interesting. Friends seem closer. The world doesn’t feel like it is filled with 23-year olds with two children and baby daddy drama. Life just gets better when you leave the book.
 

 

 

Smorgasbording – March 30, 2012

Smorgasbording Logo

So I finally gave in to my wife’s begging last night and went to see The Hunger Games with her and a few friends. I must say it was an enjoyable movie-going experience. Despite the fact that I haven’t read the books yet, I knew the basic plot going in and the movie kept me enthralled throughout. Good storyline, good amount of violence, good acting. It was all just… good. After the movie ended, my wife and friends all agreed that the movie was good, but the book is much better. Needless to say, I’m going to have to read the books now. Hooray!

One thing I can’t wrap my head around, however, is this: Is the main character in The Hunger Games hot?

She looked pretty damn good in a lot of the scenes despite being from the coal mining district and, thus, dressed down. I did some research here on the interweb and discovered that her name is Jennifer Lawrence. I also found out that she was voted one of People Magazine’s Most Beautiful People in the World in 2011,  number 10 on the Maxim’s 2011 ”Hot 100″ list and number 47 on Ask Men’s Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2012. I think she may be the definition of two-faced though because I see some pictures of her looking absolutely amazing, and others of her looking worse than Miley fucking Cyrus. It’s all very confusing and scary!

What’s the final verdict, Smorgasborders?

A Quick Note on the Red Sox

As you all know, I typically try to keep sports out of the weekly Smorgasbording topics. However, with the season opener just days away, this seems like as good a time as ever to briefly discuss the 2012 Boston Red Sox. I have no idea how the Sox will fare this season, but it wouldn’t shock me if they finished as far down as fourth in the AL East. I’m already fucking sick of hearing Bobby Valentine flap his lips too. I wasn’t pleased with the signing to begin with, and he’s just made me hate it more since he arrived. Now there’s rumors of a rift between Valentine and the players already? Awesome. I saw Terry Francona doing work for ESPN when the Sox played the Yankees last week during Spring Training. My eyes literally welled up. True Sox fans know, but the bandwagoners don’t understand how amazing Francona was at doing his job. My father has been a Red Sox fans for, oh, about 55 years now – and Francona was his favorite BoSox manager during that time. Not because Tito brought us two World Series titles, but because he’s a genuinely good person and a better manager. It’s a shame that we now have this Rex Ryan wannabe at the helm now. I’ll be shocked if the Sox make the playoffs this season.

Craigslist Comedy Comp

Movie Clip of the Week

Randominities

  • Did you ever notice how some commercials on TV today look like they’re straight out of 1989? What’s the deal with that?
  • Check out Impractical Jokers on TruTV. Show is absolutely hilarious.
  • Why do so many British people have terrible teeth? That fascinates me.
  • They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I say what doesn’t kill you makes you more aliveier.
  • You’re not going to win Mega Millions tonight. Deal with it.
  • I’ve decided to design a hoodie. On the front it’s going to say, “I always get away.” And on the back, the actual hood part is going to say, “Please don’t shoot.”
  • I want my wife to get a tattoo of a fat woman on her boob. That way, when she gets old, fat and saggy… at least one of them will be tall and skinny.
  • People are acting like the new Facebook timeline switch is Y2K all over again.
  • Will Ferrell announced this week that there are plans for an Anchorman sequel. Sequels always scare me. Anchorman is an absolute classic, and it’d be a shame if its legacy was ruined by a bad sequel. That being said, if they’re able to assemble the same cast of great actors, I think it will be another great one. I’m cautiously optimistic.
  • I’m very interested to see what the Patriots do in the upcoming draft.
  • Follow @FirstWorldPains on Twitter. It does a good job of making you take a step back and put things into perspective on a daily basis.
  • I love the show New Girl, but what’s up with Cece’s eyes? It’s like they get worse in each episode. Something ain’t right there.
  • Wait… it’s supposed to snow tonight?! What the fuck!?

Clash of the Cards – March 28, 2012

Clash of the Cards logo

I sure do love Clash of the Cards. Another week, another winner. In last week’s battle, Frankenstein fans everywhere made a winner out of Clyde “Igor” Wright and his 1973 Topps card. Unfortunately for poor Elroy Face, his 1954 Topps card just didn’t make the cut.

Who’s going to take the cake this week?

1971 TOPPS – JAY JOHNSTONE

Day Man. Fighter of the night, man. Champion of the sun. You’re a master of karate, and friendship for everyone. During normal business hours, Jay Johnstone was just a mediocre outfielder for nine(!) major league clubs. But he’ll always be legendary for one thing – being the inspiration for Day Man. Going on a little tangent real quick, have you guys seen the dubstep music video of the Day Man theme song? It’s pretty terrific. Ok, back to Mr. Johnstone here. I can’t be entirely certain, but it looks like Jay is wearing some eye liner and blush. Either that or he got into a bar room scuffle the night before. Oddly enough, Johnstone preserved Clyde “Igor” Wright’s 1970 no-hitter against the Athletics by hauling in a long Reggie Jackson fly ball just in front of the wall. Anyway, pay the troll toll. You know what it is, bitch.

Key Stats: Inspiration for the immortal Day Man, ah ahh-ahh; probably looks really good in women’s clothing; legendary clubhouse prankster; would not fare well in prison; great at staring intently during photo shoots; has baseball bat growing out of shoulder

VERSUS

1962 TOPPS – ROGER CRAIG

Simply put, there’s just a ton to like about Roger Craig. He was a master of style. Craig was the first one to discover that you can make a receding hairline virtually unnoticeable by simply choosing to have a buzzcut. Craig was the first to discover that a little bit of chest hair popping out from under your shirt makes the girls swoon. Craig was also the first to discover that, by appearing to look older, people around you may overlook your subpar baseball skills and consider you a man of wisdom worth keeping around. Although Craig looks like he’s 65 in this photo, he’s really just 32. Though some people may consider wearing adult diapers a bit extreme, Craig knew exactly what he was doing. By keeping up the charade of being a senior citizen full of life experience, Craig was able to spend 11 years pitching poorly in the big leagues and then 15 more years as an awful manager. He was also able to take a shit whenever he wanted to. In fact, legend has it that he was taking a poop while posing for this card.

Key Stats: First person to wear adult diapers; looks a little like Elmer Fudd and a lot like every single old man from the 1960s; went 10-24 in 1962 and 5-22 in 1963 – led the National League in losses both years; oozes swag; can hear a whisper from a mile away

Who ya got?

 

Smorgasbording – March 23, 2012

Minnie Pearl

Man, that one-week hiatus felt like one long, lonely year. I hope you missed Smorgasbording as much as Smorgasbording missed you!

Anyway, as many of you know, yesterday was my bornday. I’ve often thought it’s somewhat silly to celebrate New Years on January 1. While I’m well aware that January 1 is techincally the first day of a new year based on our calendar system, it’s my firm belief that everybody should have a private celebration of their own new year during their birthday. Take a few minutes to evaluate and reflect on your life: where you’ve been, where you want to go, relatonships, etc. It’s a lot easier to make a gameplan for life when you’re not drunk and surrounded by 50 other drunk idiots. After all, your birthday begins the true new year.

The Stupidest Look In The History Of Mankind

You’ve all seen them. It seems like everywhere you go nowadays, you catch a glimpse of a moron walking around. I’m not talking about African-Americans, you racist prick. I’m talking about douchebags (and even douchebaguettes) wearing a hat with a sticker still firmly attached to the brim. Apparently this trend gained momentum in the black community some years back and now the white community has picked it up as well. White, black, yellow, red, blue, pink… it doesn’t matter what color you are. If you rock this style, you’re a fucking asshole. Are we supposed to be impressed with how “fresh” your hat is? “Holy shit, he still has the sticker on his hat! He’s cool as hell. It’s like he’s a model for the hat!” It literally makes no sense whatsoever. I’m not out there walking around with the size stickers still on my shirt and jeans. Why? Because it’s fucking stupid, that’s why.

What’s really funny about the whole look – and I mean downright fucking hilarious – is that these wannabe gangsters really have no idea where this fashion started. If they did, it probably wouldn’t be so fresh and hip to rock the sticker. You see, back in the day there was a country comedian who went by the name of Minnie Pearl. Pearl appeared at the Grand Ole Opry for more than 50 years and on the television show Hee Haw, and her comedy was gentle satire of rural Southern culture, often called hillbilly culture. Anyway, Pearl’s signature look was to wear a hat with a price tag hanging from it. She was just that damn fresh.

So next time you see somebody competing in the sport of douchebaggery while wearing a hat with the sticker still in place, feel free to give them a history lesson. We all know country comedians are the bee’s knees, but I’m not sure they mix well with the whole gangsta persona.

She just screamed 1-8-7 on a mother-effing cop!

Craigslist Comedy Comp

This is a new section I decided to throw into each week’s Smorgasbording. I will list a few humorous, local Craigslist posts from the past few days and you, my loyal Smorgasbordians, get to decide which one wins. Enjoy!

Movie Clip of the Week

Randominities

  • Is anybody else as sick of the damn Geico pig as I am? Fuck…
  • I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – anybody over the age of 70 should have to take a driving test every year in order to keep their license. I was in AAA yesterday renewing my license and there was an old woman who was at least 80 doing the same. This particular woman could barely walk, couldn’t hear for shit and had a hard time following directions. Godspeed to any of you who come across her on the road.
  • The opening of A&W on Route 44 in Smithfield always means that summer is just around the corner. Hooray!
  • My March Madness bracket is just about as bad they get. We’ll leave it at that.
  • Speaking of March Madness, what the fuck was Wisconsin doing on the last possession of its game against Syracuse? You have the ball, down by just one with fifteen seconds left. You have a timeout and your second-best player isn’t even in the game. Sure, go ahead and dribble around for 12 seconds and then heave up a 25-foot prayer. Much better strategy than calling a timeout once the ball crosses halfcourt so you can draw up a play and get your stud in the game. Coach Bo Ryan should be crucified for his late-game meltdown.
  • My prediction: a ton of New Englanders will be getting sick next week as a result of the shift from unseasonably warm weather to normal, chilly weather. Write that down.
  • I guess some chick from Rhode Island got the boot on American Idol this week. I don’t care.
  • As always, freel free to email me with any questions or concerns at iheartsmorgasbording@gmail.com. I’m here for you.

 
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