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In honor of the return of football season, I’ve decided to compile a list of the top ten fictional football players of all-time. Everybody loves a good list, plus it takes me off the hook – instead of actually thinking hard and coming up with witty writing, I can fall back on my sports knowledge to carry me through. So, without further adieu, I present to you TBSE’s Top Ten Fictional Football Players of All-Time, complete with scouting reports.

10. Mike Dexter, “Can’t Hardly Wait” – This prototypical high school star dated the hottest girl in school (Amanda Beckett) and had a cannon for an arm. Unfortunately for Dexter, he was, by all accounts, a big fish in a small pond. College scouts questioned his desire and his mental fortitude after being sent a tape from a high-school party that featured Dexter crying about being called a “fag.” In the end, Dexter blew out his knee and missed out on a college scholarship. A few years later, he would cross paths with a vampire – Dexter changed his name to Carlisle Cullen and is now the father-figure to a family of vamps in Forks, Washington. He still regrets not spending more time on football.

9. Jonathan Moxon, “Varsity Blues” – A white version of Michael Vick, Mox was a threat with both his arm and his legs. This mobile quarterback gained stardom by way of injury, a la Tom Brady, to all-everything QB Lance Harbor. This rebel played by his own rules, which typically leads to failure – but he had enough talent around him to guide the team to a district championship. All Mox ever wanted to do was get out of West Canaan, Texas – football could have paved the way, but instead this 4.0-student used his brain to get out. After high school, he attended Brown University on a full scholarship. When Brown’s starting, backup and backup backup quarterbacks all went down with career-ending injuries before school started, the coach held open tryouts in a desperate attempt to find a suitable player. Mox shined in the tryouts and became Brown’s starting QB.

8. Lucas Bly, “Lucas” – An overwhleming underdog, Bly was an undersized freshman who somehow made the varsity squad despite long odds (read: Rudy). Truth be told, Bly probably never would have survived high school in this day and age, what with all the internet bullying and such. But back then, everything was face-to-face, mano-y-mano… and Bly had a tough upperclassman to protect him: Charlie Sheen. Bly shows incredible heart and courage, returning from a devastating early-season injury to rejoin the squad and earn his varsity jacket, complete with a slow-clap presentation in the hallway of school. Bly would later commit suicide. In his note, he claimed that the pressure to perform at a high level was just too much for him – and that he could never quite capture the magic of that freshman year. Autopsy reports found large traces of steroids and the remnants of snorted bath salts, which many people believe ultimately led to his demise.

7. Rod Tidwell, “Jerry Maguire” – A hard-nosed wide receiver who was never afraid to go across the middle, Tidwell was a star for the Arizona Cardinals in the mid-1990s. He’s also one of the few athletes in the history of sports who made a noticeable change to his thorny persona – going from a self-consumed douche who only cared about the money to a guy who remembered why he started playing football in the first place. Tidwell’s single-season record for receptions stood until Larry Fitzgerald surpassed it a few years back. After securing an $11.2-million extension with the Cardinals, Tidwell suffered a horrendous concussion on a crossing-route over the middle and never quite regained his signature style of play. He was later sued by agent Jerry Maguire for sexual harassment in the locker room – Tidwell claimed he was naked because he had just showered, but Maguire argued that they were the only two in the locker room at the time and Tidwell had already showered long before.

6. Spike Hammersmith, “Little Giants” – Talk about a freak of nature. When this monster of a linebacker moved to Urbania, Ohio, he was already being scouted by the likes of Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State and LSU. At just 13-years old, Hammersmith was able to bench press 250 pounds, run a 4.4 40-yard dash and had the football IQ of Brian Urlacher. He was rude, arrogant and refused to play on a team with a girl – and college coaches got wet just thinking about Spike in the middle of their defensive scheme. Unfortunately, things went downhill for Hammersmith his junior year of high school. He was kicked off the football team after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs. In a rage of fit, he beat up his girlfriend, kidnapped their illegitimate child and forced police into a high-speed pursuit through the streets of Urbania. Today, Hammersmith is serving a 25-year sentence in the Ohio State Penitentiary. He claims to have found God, but the parole board remains unconvinced after a routine search of Hammersmith’s cell found a cartoon sketch done by Spike in which the main character, Hike Sammersmith, murders a female nicknamed “Refrigerator.

5. Shane Falco, “The Replacements” – Life typically doesn’t give second chances, unless your name is Shane Falco. After absolutely shitting the bed in the 1996 Sugar Bowl during his senior year at Ohio State, he was drafted by the Seattle Seahawks. His professional career washed out soon afterwards. But this smooth southpaw would get a second chance when the NFL players went on strike and owners were forced to use replacement players. In the final game of the season, against the starting roster of the Dallas Cowboys, Falco gets over his choke-artist status by finding deaf tight end Brian Murphy for the game-winning score. (Note: Murphy would later overcome his deafness and move to Scranton, Pennsylvania. He changed his name to Roy Anderson, went to work in the warehouse of a paper company and fell in love with a receptionist named Pam Beesly.) Falco eventually signed with the Atlanta Falcons but never quite made it big. He’s still famous for his 1996 Sugar Bowl choke and the immortal quote, “Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.”

4. Bobby Boucher, “The Waterboy” – Like Spike Hammersmith, Bobby Boucher was an absolute monster on the football field. This Ragin’ Cajun instantly became one of the most feared linebackers in college football after signing on with South Central Louisiana State. As a 31-year-old freshman, Boucher led the nation with 151 sacks, 47 forced fumbles and 14 touchdowns by a defensive player. Boucher slipped a few rounds in the NFL draft after scoring a -29 on the Wonderlic test, a standardized test for all NFL prospects. Despite his propensity for big plays in college, Boucher was neutralized by NFL offenses and retired after just four seasons. It was later discovered that he was, in fact, mentally retarded and possessed an IQ of just 32. He hired a lawyer and attempted to sue the NFL for not protecting its players, but Roger Goodell just laughed at him. He now works as a janitor at SCLSU, cleaning the hallways where, in an ironic twist, his game-worn jersey is retired and hanging in a trophy case.

3. Becky ‘Icebox’ O’Shea, “Little Giants” – The lone female on this list, O’Shea was a staple for the Little Giants in their victory over the dreaded Little Cowboys in the Urbania Youth Football title tilt. Showing tremendous heart, O’Shea comes off the sideline and plays the second half in her cheerleading uniform after a failed attempt to catch the attention of heart-throb Junior Floyd. O’Shea is a force at the linebacker position, crunching Spike Hammersmith on one particular play and standing over his crumpled body to taunt him. In high school, O’Shea couldn’t quite find her identity. She cut off all her hair, wore black and claimed to all who would listen that she was a lesbian. After that embarrassing stage in her life, she moved to Hollywood where she became an actor. Though she hasn’t been in a whole lot of A-list movies, she is hot now and can even be seen in a raunchy sex scene in the movie Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society. Seriously, Icebox is hot now and gets naked in a movie… check it out.

2. Charlie Tweeder, “Varsity Blues” – This kid has it all. He was Wes Welker before Wes Welker was Wes Welker. A mid-sized wide receiver from West Canaan, Texas, Tweeder had good speed, exceptional hands and the looks that made all the underclassmen girls swoon. He was hard-nosed. He wasn’t scared to cross the middle – hell, he wasn’t scared to steal a cop car and go on a joy ride around town with a few naked sophomores in the back seat. In the end, though, all that partying got the best of Tweeder. After accepting a full ride to Texas Tech, Tweeder was suspended for the first four games of his junior season following a night of binge drinking and a subsequent arrest. He later contracted syphilis from a transvestite hooker and died at the tender age of 29. Etched on his tombstone are nine simple words that the immortal Charlie Tweeder lived by: “Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples!”

1. Randall ‘Pink’ Floyd, “Dazed and Confused” – It was a simpler time back in 1976. A time when you could be a pothead and still be the star quarterback for your high school’s powerhouse football team in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. Floyd didn’t look like much to the naked eye, but once he laced those cleats up and stepped on the field, he was a menace. Born with a rocket for an arm and the speed to get away from would-be tacklers, Pink made the game of football look easy. He was also calm under pressure thanks to the two joints he smoked before each game. Floyd received scholarship offers from SMU, Texas and Texas A&M, but all that fell to the wayside when he decided not to sign a contract pledging not to do drugs. It was his life, god dammit, and you weren’t going to tell him how to live it! During February of senior year, well after the football season had ended, Pink realized he had no money to pay for college. Over a few joints one evening, Floyd and longtime friend David Wooderson devised a business model that involves promising participants payment, services or ideals, primarily for enrolling other people into the scheme or training them to take part, rather than supplying any real investment or sale of products or services to the public – it was the first pyramid scheme in American history. After swindling people out of millions, the two moved south to a small Mexican town on the coast of the Pacific Ocean. It turns out quitting football was the right decision for Floyd.