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Living In The Sunlight | 2002 from theAMIGOunit on Vimeo.

Would you rather have your mother catch you masturbating, or you catch your mother masturbating?

If tomorrow is a long time, as Dylan said, then I guess forever is a really long time. These three albums better have some sonic diversity and serious longevity. As a result I’m ruling out any album from the last 12 months…this means no Kanye’s MBDTF or LCD Soundsystem’s This is Happening. Several months removed from their release I am more infatuated with them than ever and they would both provide some nice variety…but its too early to know if they would stand the test of time and keep a grey haired Virginia Slim interested. Also, this is a very different list than “my favorite three albums”…though at least one of these would be on that list too. I would’ve included Paul Simon’s Graceland if this was about favorite albums ever. However, in choosing Simon I wouldv’e ended up with 3 aging white guys to listen to forever. So in the interest of variety (and my long term sanity) I had to choose between including a female vocalist or something non rock/folk rock. In the end I left off Jurassic 5 in favor of the soothing sounds of:

1)Nanci Griffith – Other Voices, Other Rooms. Nanci’s voice has an amazing sense of place and perspective. And choosing this album is sort of cheating. The album, named for a Truman Capote novel, is her covers of under-appreciated folk songs by great folk singers. So not only do we get her incredible vocal stylings, we get to hear that voice inhabit the characters of songs by some of my all time favorites including Dylan, Prine, Van Zandt and many others.

2) Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots. If you only get 3 albums for life you want to avoid boring music at all costs…and “boring” is one thing that Coyne and Co’s more pop friendly and approachable take on spacey psychedelic rock is certainly not. This album is tied very directly to a specific time of my life, a time with much worth remembering and forgetting. That being said, the albums greatness keeps it from being defined by any one summer or any one song. Coyne’s beautiful and bizarre stories and sounds keep my brain and ears endlessly occupied.

3) Bob Dylan – Blood on the Tracks. Dylan at his best. 9 out of 10 songs on this album are perfect….yes, perfect (apologies to fans of ‘You’re a Big Girl’…just not my favorite Dylan song). I remember hearing “Shelter From The Storm” at the age of 14 and being completely captivated by what I thought was imagery of The Passion. 12 years later the song and entire album still blow me away and keep me thinking.

Would you rather have your mother catch you masturbating, or you catch your mother masturbating?

Catch her. I’d rather not pull a George Costanza. Plus I’d rather my view of her be altered than her view of me.

You can only listen to three CDs for the rest of your life. What are they and why?

1) Tom Petty’s Live Anthology – Exceptional live album. Brings me back to his concerts.

2) Pirate Radio Soundtrack- What? I love the oldies!

3) The Strokes,  “Is This It” – I’ve yet to grow tired of this one.

What is your favorite offensive and tasteless joke?

Butt sex is a lot like spinach, if you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

Would you rather have T-Rex arms or shopping cart wheel feet? Please explain your reasoning.

Shopping cart wheel feet. No question. This way could have the nickname skater-boy.

Would you rather eat poop flavored chocolate or chocolate or chocolate flavored poop?

Assuming that taste equates to smell I’d eat the chocolate flavored poop, as long as i didn’t know it was poop.

 Who was the first person you kissed? Please include embarrassing details.

Leigha, don’t remember her last name. She dragged me into the bushes in 1^st grade during recess. Ya I started early.

What would your last meal be?

Tough call. I’d say my mother’s eggplant parmigiana for the entrée, her fried sweet potatoes on the side, her cherry cheesecake for dessert and a Red Oak for my beverage. You can’t beat home cookin and local beer.

Would you rather be pissed off, or pissed on?

Obviously pissed off. If I were pissed on I would likely be both anyway.

Who is your biggest movie/tv crush … besides the chick from My Girl.

Olivia Wilde (aka 13 from House…dangermike’s edit: ya, we know). She’s kind of ridiculous.

Have you ever seen a ghost?  If yes, please include details.

No but I hallucinated a zombie from “I am Legend” once.

What has been your most recent vivid dream?

I start off walking through a mall looking for something, but can’t find it, whatever it is. Then I start feeling uncomfortable in what I’m wearing, maybe because i can’t find new clothes, so I strip down to a t shirt and boxers. However after a few minutes of walking  I realize that this is in fact embarrassing and scramble to find my clothes, which are somehow located in a bathroom in the far corner of the mall. I run to them pick them up and make my way out of the mall. Why i don’t put them on i don’t know.

Once i leave the mall i realize i have an appointment to get to so i make my way there over what seems like a dessert landscape. Then I stumble across a baseball diamond with a softball game in progress. However this is no ordinary field. The infield is water and behind home-plate stretching to where both dugouts should be is a waterfall. Its as though they were playing a game on/in an infinity pool.The players were standing on the water, except for the runners who seemed to have to swim from base to base.

I drop an article of clothing into the pool by mistake and too late to go in after it the clothing, it goes over the falls. I swim up to the ledge thinking i could just follow my clothes and retrieve them that way, only to realize that we are several stories up and I would certainly die if I did so.

So exit the pool and go around to the back of the waterfall, which now is not so tall, to retrieve my clothes. Finally I arrive at my appointment where I’m instructed to sit in a dentist style chair and face the doctor. A guy and a gal are also in the room. Seated to the side, they appear to be students as they are taking notes. The room is very white and is covered in red marker drawings and diagrams which seems vaguely familiar. The doctor then puts some kind of helmet on and asks me to do the same. I get the feeling its the kind of helmet John Glenn would have worn since theres just an opening from mouth to eyes. He then switches chairs and hands me a cloth which i’m instructed to use to cover my mouth. I comply.

The experiment begins and he starts reading a series of words and then guages my reaction solely on my eyes (i assume since that the only thing he can see). I then realize that the diagrams are all of chains of events leading to emotions.

My alarm goes off… This may require some interpretation.

 Would you rather have your mother catch you masturbating, or you catch your mother masturbating?

Considering the fact that I was one of the best at playing tag as a KiD, I’d have to say A.  As for why my family is into masturbating while running…  well that’s just a whole other story entirely.

You can only listen to three CDs for the rest of your life. What are they and why?

This could potentially take hours for me to honestly answer, so in the interest of time conservation I’d say….

1)  Mos Def – Black On Both Sides

Mos Def easily makes this list because when he’s on his game, there are very few others who can even come close.  In Black On Both Sides, he is the game.  One of my favorite CD’s of all time, one that can be played start to finish, and one I’d regret not bringing after about a week.  While his releases since then haven’t been the same, he’s still good enough to make me think there’s another classic coming at some point.  Kind of like a sequel to the Italian Job, what ever happened to that?  If you haven’t heard this album yet, find some time after you’re done starring excessively at the album cover (i know, it is quite intimidating. You’re wondering ‘is he laying down?’ ‘why is he starring at me?’ ‘is he going to rob me?’ ‘was he farting when they took this picture?’ etc.) and check it out.  Also for those of you reading this who are Dexter fans, get familiar with Mos, because he’ll be showing up in the realm of everybody’s favorite serial killer this season.  Whether he ends up in Dexter’s good graces, or the sights of the Dark Passenger, we’ll just have to wait and see.  Stay tuned.

While Root’s albums could have occupied all 3 of these slots, I’m going to just take Phrenology, again, in the interest of not over thinking the shit out of this question.  I find this album, in addition to the timing of its release in correspondence to my own life, to be pretty perfect.  At the time of its release I was a freshman in college and I’ll forever associate most of these songs with the fuzzy, brain damaging experimental times of my young adult life.  With classics like Seed 2.0, Thought @ Work, Rolling with Heat, and Quills  I just couldn’t imagine not having this album to get me thru those rare blank slated car rides of introspective contemplation.  Not to mention it’s effectiveness, like all music, in serving as a time machine.  Blast this one at 88mph, and i’ll see you in 2002.

3).  Eminem – the Marshall Mathers LP

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include Em somewhere on this list.  Again like the previous album, this was the absolute soundtrack to my life.  This time it was the end of Junior year of High School, having just gotten my license a month of 2 prior to it’s release, this album encapsulates my experiences the first summer of driving and having a car, leading up to the grand finale of high school.  While timing does play a significant roles in these choices, along with the historical moments attached to those times, I still would need far more time to really answer this question more accurately.  Good question though. Over the course of deciding how to answer this I found myself reminiscing about these albums, and others, and it brought back some pretty great memories… and yea…  maybe a few regrettable ones too.  But if you spend too much time looking in the rear view, how can you possibly see where you’re going?  Eyes on the road, hands at 10 and 2, check your mirrors, and… Go.

What is your favorite offensive and tasteless joke?

Q:  What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

A:  Not being handicapped.

Would you rather have t rex arms or shopping cart wheel feet? Please explain your reasoning.

Easily shopping cart wheel feet.  I’d totally have those shoes that kids have with the wheels in them if it were acceptable behavior for an ‘adult’.  Goddamn moral compass.

…and Budders the cat (or Butters, however you spell it Mood)

Here are my answers:

Would you rather have your mother catch you masturbating, or you catch your mother masturbating?

Catch me, for sure. I think that’s a sentiment that everyone can agree with.

You can only listen to three CDs for the rest of your life. What are they and why?

1) Queen – News of the World : This is a classic and probably the first or second band I ever listened to (after the childish classics of Sharon, Lois, and Brahham). Every song on this album will pump you up and there is nothing better than the 1, 2 punch of We Will Rock You and We Are the Champions.

2) Top Petty – Full Moon Fever: I’m pretty sure Tom Petty and the Traveling Wilburies were the first solo artist and band that I ever listened to. I remember singing Free Fallin’ in my mom’s classic Mazda MX6, circa like 1989-1990

3) Saves the Day – Stay What You Are: If you know me, which obviously you are trying to do if you are reading this, you would know that this album is soooo beat up in my car because of all the play its gotten in my various CD players. I have spent countless hours driving around, blaring this album, and singing at the top of my lungs with my best friends in the whole wide earth. Nothing is better than the closing minute or so of the song:

“Despair could ravage you if you turn your head around
to look down the path that’s lead you here, cause what can you change?
You’re a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship,
just don’t bother with the things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have
and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight
spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play.
And you walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth cause you know you lived it well.

What is your favorite offensive and tasteless joke?

This is the toughest question of the set because I have many a favorite. I would say this is up there though:

Whats worse than a half eaten apple? A half eaten apple with a worm in it.

Whats worse than a half eaten apple with a worm in it? The Holocaust.

…ok so it may not be the best but I remember the first time hearing it and not expecting the ending and completely losing my mind at the craziness of it. I think we can all agree the Holocaust IS worse than a half eaten apple with a worm in it.

Would you rather have t rex arms or shopping cart wheel feet? Please explain your reasoning.

This is my question and I’d like to tell you that if you pick T-Rex arms, you are fucking stupid. That’s like asking to look like an idiot and not be able to do anything that you are for sure taking for granted now.

Lets look at shopping cart wheel feet: AWESOME! Instead of running, you can just wheel yourself around! You would be faster than many T-Rex armed people who wouldn’t be able to do shit to you because they have those little ass arms! The only issue I could see with the shopping cart wheel feet would be those barriers where the wheels lock if you go beyond them. I would hope this wouldn’t happen but its definitely possible.

Would you rather eat poop flavored chocolate or chocolate flavored poop?

I’m sitting here trying to decide which I’d choose while my grandma tells me about her friends who bought a Hearst and used to travel around town in it. Times were different back then…Anyway, I choose poop flavored chocolate? That way you aren’t actually eating the poop even if it tastes like chocolate. I think this is sound logic.

Who was the first person you kissed? Please include embarrassing details.

I have no clue really but the first person I remember kissing was on the playground back in elementary school. I have an idea of two people it could potentially be but I’m not sure. Anyway, this was a big wooden playground and there was this crawl through tunnel. I’m pretty sure everyone had their first kiss in there. Nothing too memorable but I’m sure it was fucking awful! …awfully good!

What would your last meal be?

This would be a complex meal:

1) Jerry’s (restaurant in Sanibel, FL) blueberry pancakes

2) Montgomery Inn Ribs (Cincinnati, Ohio)

3) Graeter’s Black Raspberry chip ice cream (Cincy)

4) Pad Thai (Bangkok Thai – Fort Myers, FL)

5) Butter Chicken (India Palace – Fort Myers, FL)

6) I’d wash it all down with a Red Oak – a delicious NC beer

Would you rather be pissed off, or pissed on?

Pissed on – because then I’d be pissed off and would satisfy both parts to this question.

Who is your biggest movie/tv crush … besides the chick from My Girl.

Kirsten Dunst use to be but I would say Elisha Cuthbert. Preferably, the Elisha who played Kim in 24…though, she was extremely crush worthy in The Girl Next Door andddd Love Actually.

Have you ever seen a ghost?  If yes, please include details.

I have not.

What has been your most recent vivid dream?

So I had this dream about Tuna the other day…no, not that kind of dream. Anyway, Tuna was a pro-golfer and I was his caddy. We basically were at the U.S. Open and he won. I was a fucking awesome caddy – as I was a scratch golfer – and Tuna won with like a million under par, he’s the new up and coming Rory.

I moved into the city and have bad dreams about rats now. It’s awful. But I do have a recurring dream that Tuna is serenading me, and only me, at Lighthouse Tavern with “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias.

Would you rather have your mother catch you masturbating, or you catch your mother masturbating?

I’d rather have my mother catch me masturbating.  First, I’d like to maintain the notion that my mom is a nonsexual being and that I was brought by a stork.  Also, speaking from experience, getting caught isn’t that awkward.  I think you’d have to be a real ignorant parent to think that your adolescent boy isn’t masturbating everytime you leave the house, take a phone call, or catch a nap.

You can only listen to three CDs for the rest of your life. What are they and why?

I can’t remember the last time I listened to a CD – probably around high school in my car?

I’ll assume this is meant to mean what three albums.

1.  Led Zeppelin “Houses of the Holy”

2.  The Strokes “First Impressions of Earth” (really a tie with “Is This It”)

3.  Dgleese’s recording artist friend TJ Cornwall’s album.  Look at how deep it is.  The last pieces of the puzzle remain.  What does it mean?

What is your favorite offensive and tasteless joke?

I have two equal favorites?

What’s the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your parent’s you’re gay.

What’s the leading cause of pedophilia?

Sexy kids.

Would you rather have t rex arms or shopping cart wheel feet? Please explain your reasoning.

Shopping cart wheel feet.   With T-rex arms you couldn’t use a computer.  Plus, I’d love to have a “reasonable accomodation” clause in a job for my wheels that was like “employer must maintain facilities to ensure there are no rocks, pebbles, or particulates which may yield the wheels inoperable.”

Would you rather eat poop flavored chocolate or chocolate flavored poop?

….chocolate probably.  Okay – I’ll bite.  I might try the poop-flavored chocolate just to not be boring.

Who was the first person you kissed? Please include embarrassing details.

My uncle said to never discuss it.  I don’t know why.

What would your last meal be?

A lot of people are probably going to go for some real fancy stuff here.  For my money, nothing is as comforting as a baked potato with butter, sour cream, salt and peppper.  Give me a solid IPA too and you have perfection.

Would you rather be pissed off, or pissed on?

This question made me pissed off.  So, pissed off.

Who is your biggest movie/tv crush … besides the chick from My Girl.

Kelly Kapowski has been extensively covered here, but she’s an obvious choice.  My number two would probably be Topanga from Boy Meets World.

Have you ever seen a ghost? If yes, please include details.

No, because they aren’t real.  The only thing stupider than ghosts is TV shows about ghosts.

What has been your most recent vivid dream?

I had a craving for chocolate flavored poop but couldn’t eat because my T-Rex arms wouldn’t reach my mouth.  Then my mom walked in on me simultaneously masturbating and eating a baked potato.