All posts in Kitchen Items

It all started innocently enough.  John was sitting in the living room watching TV on a couch that also gave him a panoramic view of the kitchen.  I was bumbling around the kitchen when, for whatever reason, the manner in which I was fixing my dinner got under John’s skin.  He couldn’t tell me not to eat, and he certainly wasn’t going to move, so reached into his bag of tricks for a line that would be equal parts insulting, confusing and let this soul-crusher fly: “Hey bitch, make me some pancakes.”  These six words ultimately became the origin of The Saga of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks.

Tuna quickly got involved and in the days that followed the three of us traded subtle jabs insinuating that the other’s time would be better spent making pancakes for the rest of the group.  Any time someone was walking out the door on their way to the grocery store the last words exchanged were usually something along the lines of, “And don’t come back here without some Bisquick.”

This went on for a few months before coming to a head the weekend prior to my brother Justin’s move to South Carolina.  John and I spent that Sunday driving back to Charleston from Washington, D.C. after a three day weekend that included his sister’s wedding, aggressive drinking, heaters and plenty of garish behavior. We were already in rough shape when I talked John into stopping in Raleigh for an O.A.R. concert on Sunday night.  It wasn’t a sound logistical decision, and when you consider our level of exhaustion it was pretty stupid, but it made sense at the time.

After the concert, our ETA for Charleston was somewhere in the vicinity of 4 a.m. and we were fading fast. Earlier in the day John and I entertained ourselves by sending hourly text messages to Justin demanding pancakes upon his arrival the following Sunday. Examples included: “I hope they taught you at sommelier school what wine goes best when serving me pancakes,” and “When you’re packing that U-Haul make sure you leave room for some Bisquick.”

During the final push for Charleston, those pancakes somehow became Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks.  We didn’t bother sending the text messages to anyone anymore, it was way too late for that.  This was solely for our own entertainment.  By the final hour of the drive we were both in tears due to the potently hilarious combination of extreme mental and physical fatigue and some of the Flap Jackisms we had come up with. When we were about 50 miles from home a small animal darted into the middle of I-26 and I walloped it at 75 mph. After slowing down and listening closely for anything that may have been dragging underneath my car (we didn’t hear anything that sounded too serious), we promptly turned the radio back on and returned to concocting Flap Jackisms that would become the basis for a Facebook status campaign that took over my life for the next month.  I should note that there was no shortage of participation from people across the Facebook community.  Some of the month’s finer efforts include:

• The culinary equivalent of a 700-foot home run is Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• Bet you can’t eat just one… short stack of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• I once saw a short stack of Justin Kiser’s flap jacks scissor kick Angela Lansberry.
• After Milli Vanilli gave up their 1990 Grammy for Best New Artist, the award was promptly given to Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• Contrary to popular belief, the Pied Piper did not lead the children out of Hamelin, Germany in 1824 by playing a tune on his pipe, but by leaving a trail of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• The United States government was finally able to negotiate the release of the victims of the Iranian Hostage Crisis in 1981 by offering their captors a short stack of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• Ponce de Leon stopped looking for the Fountain of Youth when he found the recipe for Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• Most Americans believe The Great Depression ended because America entered World War II in 1941. Only the most dedicated historians point to the introduction of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• Tourists from around the globe flock to Amsterdam every year to experience its liberal policies on prostitution, marijuana and Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flapjacks!
• According to Vogue magazine, “This Fall’s latest fashion trend is simply toting a plate of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks.” However, they also suggest you shouldn’t put too much butter on them because the no white after Labor Day rule is still in effect!
• The only thing comparable to an unsuspecting intern absorbing a hit from Terry Tate Office Linebacker is your unsuspecting taste buds absorbing the flavor of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• The Acheans lured Helen of Troy away from King Menelaus with a short stack of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• On the first day God said, “Let there be light…….but first I need some of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!”
• Tim Tebow tested positive for Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• Before winning eight gold medals in the 2008 Summer Olympics, Michael Phelps enjoyed a serving of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks. He later celebrated with bong hits and a double serving of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks!
• Justin Kisers flap jacks are ranked 12th in the most recent AP College Football poll.

You think hanging onto Elian Gonzalez was difficult?

After a month long assault of bizarre adoration, Justin had no choice but to serve up some of those world famous buttermilk beauties to an eager audience of Ohm, Tuna and myself one Sunday morning. There was no shortage of anticipation and we brought a corresponding amount of enthusiasm to the event. We all dressed in suits and when Justin returned from Publix, he arrived to the sounds of NFL Films’ theme music blaring throughout the house and a slow clap.

Unfortunately we didn’t keep a close eye on the preparation of the aforementioned chocolate-chipped buttermilk beauties, because upon housing our respective short stacks, we were informed that the special ingredient in Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks is a triple adult serving of ex-lax.  Like Elian Gonzalez, the flap jacks left us nearly as soon as they had came.  Turns out the joke was on us, although I’m still reluctant to admit that it was funny. My sense of humor regarding this particular sequence of events has been jaded by residual bitterness which will probably decrease by 0.3% on a bi-monthly basis for the next decade or so. With any luck I’ll be able to force a giggle when I think about the Saga of Justin Kiser’s World Famous Flap Jacks by 2025.