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There Should Be a Day Everyone Refers to Each Other by Their Former AIM Screen Name

(Walking into the office on “Refer to Everyone by Their AIM Screen Name Day”)

Bob: Hey, hey! Good morning Rhondazoid84!

Rhonda: Oh hey B1gD1ckB0B!  How’s it going today?!

Bob: Pretty fucking good! Happy Refer to Everyone by Their AIM Screen Name Day! Any idea when SillyWilly1084QB is going to be in? I’ve got some TPS reports he needs to take care of, A-SAP!

Rhonda: Sorry B1gD1ckB0b! I’m not your goddamn secretary! Why don’t you ask xNickelbackxKornxStaind?

Bob: Because he fucking sucks!  What the shit kind of screen name is that?!


That was a real conversation that I made up in my mind.  Quick disclaimer: I’ve been drinking a lot of Nyquil and have no business writing a blog post right now.

So this dude in my office was going around asking everyone what their old AIM screen name used to be.  Suffice it to say, the findings were pure comedy gold.  The conclusions I’ve drawn were if you were a girl and had a lot of X’s, O’s, or 69′s, you were definitely a hoe.  If you were a dude and made any reference to your weiner or the sport you played, you were probably a d-bag.  While this may be a bit of a blanket statement, I’m sure most of you would tend to agree.

This got me thinking to having a special day dedicated to calling each other by your old screen names.  1. Because it’s hilarious and 2.) because you can get a good feel for someone’s true personality.  Sure people change, mature, and turn into productive members of society.  But it’s fun to find out someone’s old screen name because it’s like looking into a window of their former lives.  And who doesn’t want that?

Alright, I’m about to tap out and this blog post isn’t really going anywhere so I’m just going to sign myself into AIM Express (yes, it still exists) and make a list of the most ridiculous screen names on my buddy list along with some brieft commentary.  Apologies to any friends who get called out in process.  On the plus side, I won’t put your real name and I’m going to change the numbers so random people can’t just IM you if you somehow still use it.  Without further adieu:

LiL innocent68 (young girls calling themselves innocent online just doesn’t pan out.)

samiXlay (X and lay in the same screen name? you do the math)

krnstdslpk (that’s short for korn staind slipknot…. high school. confusing times indeed)

abfitchbaseball01 (ah yes, your favorite clothing brand + your favorite sport. classic.)

AlRetard87 (hilarious.)

BiGfLiRt0019 (hoe-tastic.)

CementHead20 (don’t know why but i love it.)

choomi9 (chew me 9? what kinda monster would want that? probably some kind of sicko these days)

CloggingForSatan (i just like this one.)

DrewDawgger28 (real original.)

Irish BaBii (it’d be fine if it weren’t for the weird capitalization)

Jerk40 (ay yi yi)

kingd1ck8 (weiner reference!)

m1ke1de (screams douchebag.  probably turned into a blogger/chef/possible murderer or something.)

minime1234 (i’m sure it was funny when austin powers came out.  shoulda thought that one through.)

NaTaS 666 (Satan backwards followed by the mark of the beast? Screams winner.)

SexiQThottie (had to realize you were gonna regret that one day.)

st00pidd1ck4 (another weiner guy!)

TheMysticMachine123 (love this one. he should probably still go by this every day.)

That’s all I’ve got.  Gotta go pass out.  Comment section your own screen name so I can make fun of you.

Facebook Poking Guidelines

Me : “Hey Mike, I poked Bertha on Facebook and she poked me back!”
Mike : “Oh, a classic facebook poke. She’ll be biting your pillow in no time!”

What kind of immature, pathetic attempt of a grown human adult still uses the Facebook poke you ask?  I’ll tell you.  Pretty much everyone, including myself. Why exactly… I don’t know. Because it’s easy? Because it’s fun? Because it’s a stupid way to briefly remind someone you exist?  I’m sure everyone has their reasons, but is there actually some universal meaning to a poke?  The answer is yes and no, depending on the situation of course.  Let’s take a look at some of the different reasonings behind the poke and break them down so you can go on living your life and stop stressing out about that poke you got from Jimmy your freshmen year of college.

The Flirtatious Poke – Probably the most common poke in the Facebook universe.  Obviously you want to bang/date/marry them so the only appropriate measure is to poke them on Facebook.  Most people would have a problem sending a message saying, “Hey, we should bang sometime!”  The obvious solution: poke em.  Poke em til you can physically poke them with your genitals.  It’s a fool proof plan and it will definitely work.  If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times– “electronic facebook poking is the quickest way into a the pants of the significant other you’re interested in getting into the pants of.”   Also effective: stop being a fucking sissy and ask them on a date.

The Friendly Poke – Just a lil, “hey, how ya doin”” poke.  From a personal standpoint, this is probably my most commonly used poke.  Not necessarily a sexually charged poke, but more of a “we used to be friends, but now we barely talk so I’m just going to poke you and see if it leads to more substantial conversation.”  I like this one because it usually works.  It’s an easy way to get a conversation going without actually initiating a conversation.  Also effective: being a normal human being and using your cell phone to call them.  Quit being such a squid and do a better job at keeping in touch with people.  Write them a letter or something, ferchristsake.

The Poke War Poke – Sometimes you just want to start a poke war with someone.  That’s pretty much it.  Personally, I’ve got 2 or 3 poke wars currently unfolding.  I just like getting the lil red notification box when I get a poke because my life is average.  Usually my poke wars are with people I’m already pretty good friends with but I’ve heard of all out poke wars with near strangers.  Also effective: having close friends in real life that you can count on to hang out with instead of exchanging pokes with.

 The Random Stranger Poke – Easily the creepiest poke out there.  Stalking around Facebook and see an attractive member of the opposite sex?  Just poke em and let the courtship begin.  I can hear the wedding bells now!!  Also effective: don’t poke strangers… especially in real life.  That’s some straight sexual harassment type shit.

Well, writing this article has been a pleasure because it has been fun to think about and more importantly, a poignant criticism of myself and my own poking habits.  While breaking down the meaning of pokes, I’ve come to realize the true laziness that is the poke and that I should instead of poking people, do more of the “also effective” suggestions I came up with while writing the article.

Who am I kidding? POKES 4 LIFE.


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What Happens When You Leave The Book

Three weeks ago I broke up with facebook and got back together with my life.
My mother always told me that the worst kind of people are those that have someone waiting on the side for when a relationship ends, but in this case I tend to disagree. My relationship with facebook had jumped the shark and my life was hanging over my shoulder begging for some attention, so I listened to my other lover and cut the chord. With a few clicks I ‘deactivated’ my account and haven’t looked back since.
Why did I delete facebook?

The better questions would be, “Why do I spend x # of hours a day looking at people I don’t talk to (and don’t even like)? Why do I drool over girl’s from my past and their latest baby drama and/or nose job? Why do I spend time looking at a boy that coulda- shoulda- woulda been?” Are any of these individual’s realities better than mine that I should spend my precious time devouring their status updates and photo uploads? The simple answer… hell no.

For me, facebook became a nervous tick. Something to do in my idle time. Except that my idle time turned into the wee hours in my bed when I wake up in the morning, after my first cup of coffee, in the elevator on my way to lunch, 2:00 pm, 4:00 pm, after work, 9:00 pm and then again before bed. Logging on to facebook became an extension of my every move and came to be part of every day’s definition.
And I know I am not alone.
I spent day after day writing on my friend’s walls and sending direct messages but never picking up a phone or meeting up for a drink. Instead, I would mechanically “like” post after picture. Instead, I would click through the latest album and fool myself thinking I was “in touch” with this person. Instead, I would take meaningless comments as declarations of real friendships.

The more my nervous tick or self-identified obsession with facebook (OKAY there I said it!!) grew, the more I felt alone. I can’t quite pinpoint what this loneliness was from, but I knew looking at x’s second and third child wasn’t helping. Neither was knowing every great (or horrid) thing about someone’s life before talking to them face to face, soul to soul. No longer were stories truly exceptional or exquisite as I had already seen it dumbed down for a brief status update. Facebook sure did it’s job, keeping me connected to the point that I felt alienated.
Kicking the habit was harder than I expected and it took a life changing conversation to give me the swift kick in the patootie, but I did it, and here is what I learned: Life is better without facebook and I may never go back.

When you leave the book, you lose the chain. No one is following your every move and seeing your day to day life from an outside lens. People are genuinely excited to see you and share their days with you, instead of listening to it for the second time, as they got it the first time around from your profile. When you see someone, you get to exclaim “You look great!” and genuinely mean it. Stories seem more interesting. Friends seem closer. The world doesn’t feel like it is filled with 23-year olds with two children and baby daddy drama. Life just gets better when you leave the book.



Public Service Announcement: Stop Posting “Shit ___ Say” videos

Trivial complaint of the day – I don’t need 18 people posting the “Shit DC people Say” video on Facebook.  This is madness.

Because this was such a shitty post, here is a video of a dancing Zebra.

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Iphone Commercial Parody

College humor put together this pretty spectacular spin on the Siri commercials. Check it out, its brilliant!


I asked for a miracle and the universe answered.
I am now a believer in some higher power. I kid you not the creation of Pinterest has restored my faith in this world and given me something to believe in.

You know what I want to do? I want to make fondue, champagne cupcakes, delicious winter sangria, put on Michael Buble’s Christmas album, paint some jars and make some flower arrangements, hang new photos, and clean the hell out of my wood floors. Then I want to make a bar out of an old bookcase, drool over the perfect brunch outfit, plan a meal based off a holiday, devour a recipe for the perfect spinach artichoke dip, and then make all of my Christmas gifts because I can.

Pinterest: endorsing the mission of the gal since 2011.
So for those who have no clue what I am talking about:

Pinterest is a place where you can organize everything amazing you find on the internet. Once you find these things you ‘pin’ them and you place these items on a board. You dedicate these boards to different categories, i.e- nomnomnom (cooking), I can do that (do it yourself projects), and take me there I want to go there (photos of unbelievably cool places that I will one day visit).  These boards are a) pretty and b) remind you of that website you came across and never wanted to forget.

The best part of pinterest is you can see what your friends and various very-cool and in the know strangers are pinning, and then steal their pins and put them on your boards. The internet, people. This is the exchange of highly valuable information!
I didn’t get it at first. I didn’t understand. But now look at me:

I am a monster. All I want to do is pin everything and then go back and look at my handy work. In the past week I have made three delicious meals inspired by pinterest recipes, made Christmas gifts for every woman in my life, hung baskets on the walls as storage, and planned every outfit for winter break in Florida.
I have solved the equation:
Gals:Pinterest :: Bros: Video Games
It is so simple. Boys must get the same high from shooting someone up on Call of Duty as I get from finding the perfect table setting for Christmas Eve.

Nicki Minaj could make a cameo here as pinterest because honestly, this website is eating my brain and filling it with ideas of chandeliers from hoola hoops, inspirational quotes about friendship, 100 things to do with Mason Jars and how to make a bedside table out of a suitcase.




Quick Reason Why Gmail is Awesome

Gmail did something really awesome today and saved me a common embarrassment.

I typed an email and went to send it when Gmail kindly reminded me of something

WOW! SHIT! Yes, Gmail. I sure as hell did mean to attach something. Damn, you’re intuitive. We should date!

How often do you send emails and forget to attach something and feel like a dumbass? More than you care to admit if you’re anything like me.

Sidenote: I also installed a plug-in for my Gmail called Mail Goggles. It doesn’t let you send an email after certain time of night without having to answer five math questions first. Brilliant! Now if only Facebook had it…

Quick Hitters with Swanznugget

Here are a few things that are really great:


How am I just now finding out that this exists? I need to get out from under my rock. Over 15 million free streaming songs that you can instantly share as tracks or playlists, now integrated with Facebook? That’s awesome. I like Pandora a lot, but this is even better. It’s even possibly worth paying the monthly subscription to avoid the ads and to support a project this great.


The Collapse of the Red Sox

I’m a Red Sox fan, but even I can appreciate the surreal and hilarious nature of Boston’s Mets-like September collapse. The team has somehow managed to defy playoff odds that had approached 100% with a nine-game Wild Card lead headed into September. To clarify, no baseball team has ever coughed up that large of a September lead. How did this happen? Boston has won seven games since taking an August 27th doubleheader from Oakland. They have scored the following total runs in those wins: 7, 18, 4, 18, 14, 12, 9. That’s right, the Sox have won one game in which they scored fewer than seven runs over the past month. The Sox have been regularly handing starts to pitchers who opened the season 5th, 7th, 9th, and 10th at best on the rotation depth chart. Losing third baseman Kevin Youkilis for much of the past six weeks and fielding a team loaded with nagging injuries has taken its toll as well.

The Red Sox ERA by month: 4.24, 4.01, 3.58, 3.70, 3.82, 5.85. Which of these is not like the other?

If the Red Sox drop both of the next two games, they will almost certainly miss the playoffs and will finish 89-73, exactly as good as the 2010 team, which was hit even harder by injuries. What’s really disappointing about this season is possibly watching the monster seasons put together by Josh Beckett, Jacoby Ellsbury, Adrian Gonzalez, Dustin Pedroia and David Ortiz go to waste.

What’s really impressive is how a team that played .650+ ball for the vast majority of the season may miss the playoffs entirely because of an awful 2-12 start and a horrific September.


Radiohead on Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert apparently gave Radiohead an hour last night to debut a song and play about half of The King of Limbs. It was all really good. Check it out.