Hey everybody,
I just wanted to let you know, if you’re wearing white pants today, I will hunt you down and kill you.
Best,
Tuna
All posts in Fashion/Apparel
Quick Reminder About Post-Labor Day White Pants
Beardnets
A friend sent me this video in a series that a Chicago chef makes:
The video is somewhat entertaining as he gets pretty drunk off the liquor that is the “key ingredient”, but moreover, it lead me to learn about said ingredient, Malort (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malort). The makers pride themselves on being terrible remarking that “we found only 1 out of 49 men will drink Jeppson Malort.” Apparently it has become a staple liquor in Chicago and is refered to as “Northern Discomfort” due to its awfulness.
During the video, I became concerned about the chef. His hair looks pretty oily and gross and I thought he should be wearing a hairnet, but also a BEARDNET (http://www.google.com/search?q=beardnets&hl=en&biw=1366&bih=651&prmd=ivns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=yXFWToTCL9GugQeRyrWxDA&ved=0CHwQsAQ). I didn’t actually know if such things were made, but apparently they are. I’m not one for hair in my food, but I know it happens. If it does, I’d much rather it be from the head than from the beard.
The worst thing in the world is this shitty WordPress editor. You’ll notice that there are no hyperlinks. That’s because 50% of the time the ability to link to a page does not work. In the case of the other 50%, everything typed is deleted when I try to find a link.
Grading Underpants.
One of my favorite things about Culinary School is the locker room: it’s unisex, and some girls are unisexy. There have been days when I walk in and BAM, there’s a very respectable lady standing in her panties right in front of me. Do I reach out and grab a handful? No I do not, I’m respectful and, more importantly, I don’t want to get slapped. Joking aside, I love girls underpants in the least weird way possible. Just in a way where I will write, like, 600 more words about them than is socially acceptable.
The Bikini:
I consider this to be The Classic, The Stand-by, The Go-to. Sure it’s a little ass-masking but I just can’t hate it when it’s done right. When I think of the bikini style of underpants, it reminds me of the first underpants I ever saw. I was in high school and they were striped and I was so excited at the prospect of seeing a girl in her intimates that the idea of delving one layer deeper nearly escaped my brain. It didn’t, but this song isn’t about third base.
Grade: B-
The Thong:
Walrus and I have had many-a heated discussion over the pros and cons of thongs, nearly all end with us coming to blows. What can I say, we’re passionate about panties. Now, I like thongs, don’t get me wrong. They usually look good and there’s really nothing all that bad that I can say about them: They show a lot of butt and they do it well. They just aren’t my favorite. It’s like when people bring back Allagash Interlude from the local Citgo or 7-11. Sure, I’ll drink some Allagash Interlude but I would very much prefer something that tastes completely different than Allagash Interlude and looks completely different than Allagash Interlude and has a completely different name than Allagash Interlude.
Aside: The T-back thongs are terrible and every last one should be burned. End of story. You find me a guy who likes it, and I’ll attest that he would rather be wearing it than looking at it on a female.
Grade: B+
The Boy Short/Hipsters:
Yes please, these are perfect. They are very playful but they simultaneously make you take the butt seriously. It’s like they like to joke around but they have limits and you should respect them. I like them because they provide a nice amount of butt while hiding the rest and teasing the viewer. And to be honest, I don’t want it all at once. I don’t order a large pizza and eat it in one bite (but if I could, I might) I rather savor it.
Grade: A
The Granny Panty:
Who owns these? I honestly don’t know exactly what these are so I can’t give them an accurate grade. And no, I won’t look them up on the internet because what if they are as gross as they sound? No thanks.
Grade: N/A, didn’t complete the coursework and cannot be assessed.
And I’m not an idiot, I know dudes wear underpants too. That’s why I’m going to tell you guys what your underpants say about you.
The Brief:
Congratulations, you have a tiny wiener.
The Boxer Brief:
I don’t wear boxer briefs but I do have a shocking theory about them that I would like to throw out there- Dudes who are uncomfortable with their wiener size wear Boxer Briefs. Let’s look at the facts, can you stuff a pair of socks in a pair of Boxers? No, they will just fall out the bottom. It’s as simple as this, guys who have undersized junk wear Boxer Briefs to try and cover up their small misfortune by stuffing.
The Boxer:
Average to Above-Average wiener size and proud of it. You like it when your dangle jangles around and you see no reason to coop it up. Atta boy, I’m proud of you and your appropriately sized penis.
Basically, as a girl you must figure a way to show your butt appropriately but as a dude, you just need to show your penis off fully and effectively.
With a wiener of this size, you can be sure swanznugget wears boxers
buying s*#t, including an Ipod Nano with TikTok watch band.
When this whole TBSE adventure started I was imagining something in the vein of uncrate.com or any of the other male-focused blogs/guides to cool shit you can buy. I was thinking pretty pictures of fly clothes, hip music videos, and bad ass gadgets accompanied by witty insights. As it turned, while I love looking at “cool stuff” porn online, I have no desire to write about that shit or preach the gospel of consumer crap and credit card debt. (And as it turns out, thankfully, nobody else who regularly contributes here seems too interested in that either).
But while I love railing against our give-me-more-fancy-beautiful-shit-made-in-Bangledesh-and-financed-by-China-to-make-me-feel-better-about-my-shallow-existence culture…I am still very much a product of it and participant in it.
Thus you get today’s “best stuff” post…my shinny new birthday gift that would fit perfectly on the pages of any number of buying guides for guys….including the would be TBSE. Check out my new 16gb Ipod Nano with Tik Tok watch band. Its the perfect balance of minimalist design and utilitarian function. All the buttons and inputs/outputs are accessible while in the band and the multi-touch nano pops in and out with great ease. It is sexy as hell and I’mthe first to admit it, even flaunt it. Its a hip watch full of hip music that is going to help me train my way all the way to beating robthewelterweight’s ass in the Warrior Dash on Oct. 1st.
I’m pumped about the ipod…but I’m also pumped to get my “look at this cool shit to buy” post of out my system. This ongoing identity crisis of mine came to a head just moments after buying the watch. As I was leaving the apple store I walked by h&m which plays unfairly to both my cheap and style-concerned interests. It was my bday, I had a new flashy new ipod watch and bday cash to burn. I walked through the sale section, grabbed a few items and headed to the dressing room. It was in the dressing room that I was confronted with myself (through those awesome H&M skinny mirrors that make you look so good in their clothes). What was I doing? Did I really need more crap, especially more clothes, especially new clothes? I have a closet sinfully overflowing with clothes and I live less than 5 miles from 9 fantastic thrift stores (including one even called Fantastic Thrift, no joke). I was paralyzed. I had only been in there for 30 seconds but I knew I couldn’t in good conscience try this stuff on, much less purchase it. The dressing room attendant was just outside and would know that I couldn’t possibly have tried those clothes on that quickly. But I emerged anyhow, looked at him…. and told him I left my credit card at J. Crew.
Tax Free Weekend
Many states, NC & VA included, are doing their annual tax free weekend starting this Friday and while it is clearly meant for the benefit of school children and their discount needing parents, I plan to exploit the system and buy myself some shit that I probably don’t need. Chances are I will want something that exceeds the $100 per item limit (for clothes/shoes etc.) and buy it anyway because I want it and I’m already there. I will walk away defeated by the NC legislature and exit the mall with my tail between my legs, that is until I don my new Raleigh Denim jeans and instantly overcome the buyer’s remorse I’d been feeling. Hopefully.
What do you expect me to do with one of these!
Its a lovely Tuesday night here in Arlington, VA. Sitting here next to Tuna, watching a little ASG. Hows it going, you ask? Pretty shitty. First inning is over in literally 8-10 minutes. So to keep busy, checking out my sites. Like you, I had to check out my daily dose of MeInMyPlace.
While checking out the most recent delights over there at MIMP, I ran into one of the most…interesting things I have ever seen in my entire life. Ladies and gentleman….
…I give you the Cotton Spandex Jersey Tank Thong. Lets talk about this for a moment…its a JERSEY, a TANK, and a THONG! AMAZING! Look at the curves, look at the cut, look at the sexiness. Its almost as hot as…
Yup! That’s right. Its as sexy as that!
Seriously though, a fucking Cotton Spandex Jersey Tank Thong? SERIOUSLY? That is the worst fucking thing I have ever seen. Lets talk about this from the male perspective. No, no…lets talk about this from the perceived benefit to you ladies – you only have to wear one article of clothing (under your clothes)! NICE! I can see the benefit. But…BUT, if we, as dudes (or chicks – I’m not gonna forget you ladies) have to deal with this…what the fuck do we do? I mean, look, a thong is sexy. SOOOO sexy! But this thing? This is mad! This is…I don’t even have words to say for this. To all the male (or lady) TBSE readers out there: I DO NOT WISH THIS ON YOU! How you get this off a lady, how a chick can use the bathroom in this thing, how anyone thought this was a good idea is fucking beyond me. If you have experience with this, please share. For everyone’s sake, I hope you haven’t. But from what I can see, You gotta get side access to the boob area!
Good Luck!
Oh by the way, if you want to wear the Cotton Spandex Jersey Tank Thong for the following, please let us know. K Thx.
Yoga Pants
You might be thinking, “Dangermike, what’s the deal with two feminine fashion posts in two days?” And to that I would tell you to shut your traps and listen up. I used to be a judge on Project Runway on Bravo (8 pm eastern and 9 pm central). Also, I’m blogging this right now from a fucking airplane. That’s dedication homes.
The yoga pant is the single greatest triumph and failure in lower-body lady-garments.
Write it down, go yell it on the mountain, tell your kids, I don’t care- its a veritable fact. Yoga pants are probably the biggest farce to be pulled on the female community since the 19th amendment (clearly we don’t tally their votes). Men repackaged spandex and lycra and bike pants and “compression pants” and called them Yoga pants. Genius. Now we have hot asses traipsing around town on full display all because the addition of the word Yoga and ladies are none the wiser. Need I say, Mind the Gap? (kinda more nsfw)
“Hey Jeanine, are you flashing your box because you are 2 cent hooker?”
“No Lorraine, these are obviously Yoga Pants. I’m about to go get a physical and spiritual Yoga workout then sit at Starbucks with a Latte and have my son’s friends take secret pictures of my behind with their Droid Incredibles.”
It happens just like that, I know it.
Then there’s the actual Yoga that gets done in the Yoga Pants. A girl with B- behind doing Yoga in Yoga Pants is hot like Aphrodite.
With the good comes the bad and the Yoga pant has a pretty big fault. Have you guys seen The Devil Wears Prada? I have and not only am I still straight but I have a reference to make from it now, lucky you (and how relevant it is, this being my second fashion post in as many days)! Remember the scene where Meryl Streep’s character is ripping Anne Hathaway’s character for her “frumpy” cerulean sweater? She describes how premier fashion designers started that shit and it trickled down through the various stages of stores, getting worse at every level. Hang on, I’m getting to my point, and soon too because I feel like Rob, my balls getting smaller than Jason Giambi’s (seriously, that guy didn’t hit more than 2 home runs in the past 3 years, not including YMCA Softball leagues, and now he’s raking? Bullshit he’s not on the juice). Skinny girls with tiny asses wear Yoga pants and then the next weight class up starts wearing them (think High School wrestling) and so on and so forth. Personally, I like a good sized rear but there becomes a time when enough is enough. There are just too many obese woman in these skin-tight Yoga Pants.
But back to the original point, Yoga Pants are a God send. Actually, since the weekend of the 4th is upon us, I’m going to thank America for hot chicks in Yoga Pants. Well for Yoga Pants and Asses.
Afterthought- I know I have come across a little more crass lately so I wanted to get a more sensitive feel for Yoga Pants. Alas Mermaid wouldn’t let me get that feel but she did write a little on the girl’s perspective on Yoga Pants!
Why Yoga Pants Rock – A woman’s note
The mainstreaming of Yoga Pants has transformed the way women don casual wear. No longer is there ever (I mean ever) an excuse to wear sweatpants out of the house and for the love of god, to class. Yoga pants are the perfect foundation for a casual outfit. They are simple, sleek and go with almost everything. No one will be judging you if you are running errands in yoga pants. Depending on your work environment, you may even be able to pull them off in the winter months with an over-sized sweater.
Not to mention they make your booty look fantastic and you know it.
Clothes that I can’t Condone for Chicks.
If Skinny Jeans can do this to Kim, imagine what they will do to a woman with a mere above average ass?
Skinny Jeans-
I don’t get Skinny Jeans. The original purpose of dungarees were for rugged protection from the elements. Like Rodeo Clowns and Dudes in Biker Gangs. That usually doesn’t apply to chicks since they do dainty stuff like sew. So the main function of Jeans on a lady is for the eye appeal and that’s where skinny jeans just doesn’t cut the mustard. It makes every girl look like hipless prepubescent boys. Not my thing. Skinny Jeans were made for people who revere Alessandra Ambrosio and don’t find the womanly sex appeal of Kelly Brook at all desirable. Anything as assmasking as Skinny Jeans just doesn’t deserve its own rack at Forever 21. Now that’s just my opinion but my opinion is right.
Tube Top-
The deal here is pretty similar to the Skinny Jeans with a little extra terrible-ness on the side. First off the tube top can smush down all the precious boobage down and make them nearly non existant, making a lady more aerodynamic than sexy. OR they can highly accentuate the boobage and hang off them like the pickle slices in that Billy Madison scene. Then however, it becomes a magnent for your eyes and you become wildly inapropriate if you aren’t wearing sunglasses. And how is it my fault if you are reaching down your blouse to rearrange yourself every few minutes? I am a man, which means I have mental toughness but that can only get me so far. Constant public self-boob-touching is more than most men can ignore.
Dresses that aren’t completely basic-
Everyone knows that when a girl gets dressed up, she’s doing it so guys can drool over her. There’s no such thing as self satisfaction in the world of girls, they live to serve us men, right? As one of the men that you’re dressing up for, my only pieces of advice are to keep it short and simple. The intricacies of your dress means nothing to me. And then you add your strappy complications to a full length gown with saches and buttons and slips. Well, that’s just confusing. Short shorts, a nice tee shirt, and a ball cap is all I need and I would say that I’m on the picky side.
