All posts in Comedy

What I’m Going to Do When I Win the Lottery

by tuna on May 7, 2012 in Comedy, Random Thoughts with No comments

You’ll notice the headline of this article is a hard and fast proclamation– there is no “if” about it.  Realistically, my grandiose retirement plans are very much dependent on winning the lotto so I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I’m going to do after it happens.  These plans may sound a little over the top to you, but there’s really no other option for me.  I’m either executing my plan with cold precision or I’m going to slowly kill myself with booze and McDonalds McGriddles.  That being said, here’s a quick breakdown of my plans for after I win the lottery.

Step #1. Four words:  Buy more lottery tickets.  Let’s face it, once you win the lottery, you need to invest your money in a safe place or else you risk financial ruin like so many professional athletes have discovered before me.  You got moocher friends asking for money to start up their own business, bad stocks, and crappy real estate investments are all risks wealthy people are asked to invest in every day.  What safer way is there to protect your money than to reinvest back into the way you got rich in the first place?  That being said, I’m buying a MINIMUM of 1 million additional lotto tickets.  You spend a million dollars, you get 150 million dollars back.  Absolute no brainer.

Step #2. Buy things.  After winning the lottery several times, I will be an extremely wealthy individual and I’ll probably want to buy something other than more lottery tickets.  I haven’t really thought about the material things I’m going to buy but you can bet your ass it will include the following:

an island

a mansion on my island

a McDonalds in my mansion that only serves breakfast and booze (think adult Richie Rich, but breakfast menu only)

a shit ton of McGriddles

Step #3. Die.  I guess the booze and McGriddles are gonna get me one way or another, so might as well do it in a baller ass mansion on my island.

PS – First song I’m listening to when I win the lotto:

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

WWF x 3 complements of Hot D

by tuna on March 14, 2012 in Comedy with No comments

This is why the internet exists.

by mermaid on February 13, 2012 in Celebrity, Comedy, Music with No comments

My cousin just sent me this, which I so desperately needed, considering I am sitting at work after a 4-day stint in NYC, during which I got about 17 hours of sleep.
Today just got not so bad:

http://who-is-bon-iver.tumblr.com/

“LMAO wait what? Who the f is Bonny Bear?”

Oh, Liz. Life is going to be so hard.

Iphone Commercial Parody

by thehorseyourodeinon on December 23, 2011 in Comedy, Internet with No comments

College humor put together this pretty spectacular spin on the Siri commercials. Check it out, its brilliant!

worst thing ever – a wobbly table

by Hot D on October 26, 2011 in Comedy, Opinion, Technology with No comments

You are at a restaurant and you get placed in a new section. Every time you’ve been in before, you get the same table, the same server and the same level of satisfaction. This time, however, everything has changed. You find yourself and your compatriots at the mercy of a new host or hostess who doesn’t know and refuses to acknowledge your superior standing at this establishment. Then, the worst thing happens…you sit down at your table to immediately find that you have a lemon – a wobbly table. This will throw off your whole game. If you got soup, you might as well just spill it down the front of your shirt or blouse. Same can be said about your glass of red or that expensive mixed drink. Any hope of having a pleasant meal is now gone.

Alas, an invention has come along to fix this – the Wonkey. This brilliant little key ring doubles as a wedge for that chair or table that has failed at its job to be, well, a chair or table. Now, according to the website where I found this, the Wonkey seems to be a British invention…I don’t know how easy it will be to get one of these shipped across the pond or if they are even selling them anymore. Its worth a shot to try and find one if you, too, hate a wobbly table. Don’t pick up that stack of napkins or try to finagle a piece of your clothing underneath the leg so you can eat in peace. All it takes is this simple little device and all will be saved.

Happy eating…and drinking.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Surviving the Next Zombie Apocalypse

by El Jefe on October 24, 2011 in Advice, Comedy, Great Debates, Movies, Opinion, Random Thoughts, Television with 9 Comments

I like zombies.  It really doesn’t matter what medium they’re in.  They can be moaning and stumbling around on TV, in a movie, or on one of the video games I’m playing.  Generally speaking, adding a zombie to entertainment is like adding bacon to a meal.  It’s a game changer and an upgrade.

The problem is, no matter how terrifying (see Walking Dead) or hilarious (see Sean of the Dead) a zombie piece is, I always find myself questioning the tactics of the characters in peril.  Now I admit that getting frustrated at a worldwide zombie outbreak is a somewhat retarded way to spend your time.  However, I definitely feel like movie directors and video game producers underestimate the ingenuity of people who’re a stone’s throw away from becoming tenderloin.

For example, why the fuck are these people always marooning themselves on the nearest rooftop?  And don’t give me the whole, “oh…maybe my cell phone will get service,” argument.  When the White House and every McDonalds has been destroyed, I think it’s safe to assume that Verizon’s 3G network is non-operational.

Secondly, why do people always let the person who’s been bit hang around?  It’s like finding a medical station with the zombie cure is as easy as pumping gas. If someone gets bit in my group I’m putting them down before we can even argue about it.  I’d hope they’d do the same for me.  Just sneak up behind me and give me a double tap to the back of the head.  It’s a lot better than watching your calf get gnawed off, which frankly, is probably going to happen anyway.

So here’s my question: what do you think is the best tactic for avoiding death by zombies?  If all normal rules of zombie entertainment are in effect (i.e. no military support, only limited ammo and arms, absolutely no means of state-wide or national communication, etc.), what would be your game plan for the four to eight people you’re surviving with?  My original thought was building a tree fortress much like the one from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.  But the rooftop argument wins here too.  As soon as a large herd finds you, it’s either starvation or a foot race.  Fuck both.

That’s why I think it would be interesting to film a zombie film set in Vietnam.  Think about it.

Either way, let me know what your plan would be and why.

Comedy Central’s Best Blog

by El Jefe on September 21, 2011 in Comedy, Culture, Random Thoughts, Television with No comments

It’s hard not to respect Daniel Tosh. His stand-up routine is one of the funniest acts I’ve seen in a while and Tosh.0 is pure genius.

Think of how much time we kill surfing the Web for videos of people embarrassing or accidentally hurting the shit out of themselves. It’s why YouTube cost Google billions and new blogs pop up on a daily basis. We want easy access to the most ridiculous content out there. It’s free and quick entertainment that’s uncommonly funny because most of the time, it happens in real life to real people.

Tosh’s team of writers and the producers at Comedy Central deserve credit for seeing our lust for internet humor as an incredible opportunity.

The show’s great not only because the clips are almost always funny or gross (which is better to some people), but there’s the same give and take between the audience and Tosh that you can find in message boards and comment sections online.

He reads emails from viewers, displays their Tweets, and also broadcasts new and original videos created by his Tosh.0 fans. Regardless of how the show is made available to us, the Tosh team has created one of the best, if not the greatest, blogs out there.

New Word for your limited vocabulary – Torque

by Hot D on September 14, 2011 in Advice, Comedy, Opinion, Random Thoughts with 4 Comments

Torque – v. – to “fuck”; make love to; bang; engage in intercourse with.

“Yo, bro, I torqued the fuck out of that girl last night.”

“Yeah, I used to torque her. Go ahead though, she was a good lay.”

“I want to torque him so bad, he reminds me of Tuna!”

 

While in the midst of barroom conversation last evening, I was introduced to the word “torque”. When I think of “torque” I think of cars and lbs of torque. I also think of wrenches and the sound that you hear as mechanics rotate tires or put new ones on your whip (meaning car; if you don’t know that word your vocab is more limited than I expected).

I’ve heard all of the old adages before: bang, plow, fuck, destroy…the list goes on. But torque, this was a new one to me. Let me just say, I like it. While engaged in the act of coitus, you are indeed torquing. Your hips/hers may also be gyrating. What better way to describe this act than the word torque.

This has been your new word for your limited vocabulary. Now go out and spread the word. Oh and…go Torque yourself.

← Older Entries
 
Webdesign