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The Official Gal Drinks of Summer, Part II

by mermaid on May 16, 2012 in Alcohol, Girl Stuff, Opinion with No comments

I am rounding the one -year anniversary of my initial decree of the Official Gal Drinks of Summer. Since June 23rd, 2011 I have done my fair share of young-professional, sensible patio/porch sits so I thought it was only appropriate to bring a second set of TBSE gal-approved libations to your attention.

#1 The Paloma:
Tequila wasn’t a friend of mine during my undergrad years however we have forged a serious relationship during our happy hours together. What is so beautiful about the Paloma is the addition of the grapefruit juice, and at some establishments a splash of Squirt. If a drink has Squirt in the summary, I’m ordering it. This cocktail is refreshing, perfect, equal parts sweet and acidic, and downright pretty to look at. You also don’t look like an idiot when ordering this drink at a mexican restaurant, which can happen from time to time when ordering giant goblets of frozen margaritas with sugar on the rim.

#2 Sauvignon Blanc/ Pinot Grigio:
I can’t believe that my first round of Official Gal Drinks of Summer didn’t include ANY mention of the nectar of the gods. If you know me, you would agree that mermaid without wine is like the sky without the sun. It is my drink of choice for all occasions and I’m always the weirdo ordering it at dive bars. Simply put – white wine is the perfect beverage for warm summer days. It is an especially good beverage for long lunches on outdoor patios because with the addition of ice the drink lasts longer.

#3 Vodka Gimlet
This is no longer a beverage reserved for our grandparents. I know a gimlet traditionally contains gin, a beverage I have never been able to swallow thanks to a beach party in my youth, but vodka serves as a wonderful substitute. Vodka gimlets are easy and straight to the point: vodka and lots of fresh lime juice. I have dreams about the Vodka Gimlets at Bar Deville in Chicago’s Ukranian Village because they are just that delicious.

It’s time to put on the sundresses and let loose kiddies. If anyone wants to meet me for any any (or all) of the above on a Chicago patio this summer, you know where to find me.

A little something to jam out to on this fine St. Patty’s day

by thehorseyourodeinon on March 17, 2012 in Alcohol, Music, Uncategorized with No comments

Public Service Announcement: Valentine’s Day is for the Birds

by robthewelterweight on February 14, 2012 in Advice, Alcohol, Beer, Food, Games with No comments

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!  Today is all about looking that special someone in the eye and telling them how much they mean to you( in case you’re a giant asshole and somehow neglected to do those things the other 364 days of the year).  Why?  Because 1-800 Flowers, Russell Stover and Hallmark guilted you into it, that’s why.  How ironic is it that we celebrate what’s supposed to be a lifelong relationship each year with cut flowers that will die in three days and unrealistically sweet food that’s in no way nourishing? Not to mention the fact that we’re encouraged to tell someone how we feel with words that someone else wrote.  The entire charade stinks to high hell, and frankly, it’s for the birds.

That’s why the ‘Nator and I rebelled against the institution of Valentine’s Day from the get go. From the beginning of our courtship, we’ve been keenly aware of what would make our own or any relationship successful: a heightened libido and lowered expectations. That’s why we headed to Art’s Bar & Grill in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina for an afternoon of all you can eat oysters, Erotic Photo Hunt and pitchers of Pabst Blue Ribbon for our first Valentine’s Day together.  I think we even wore sweatpants.

The fact of the matter is that there’s no need to church up romance with fine dining and wine that comes in a fancy bottle, which is why the ‘Nator and I plan to continue the tradition of oysters and PBR long after we have to up the ante to Cialis and Tom Collins.  I hope you’ll choose to foster an honest romance and do the same this Valentine’s Day.

Oh, and if anyone can tell me how to throw a Megatouch machine on our wedding registry, I’d be much obliged.

This just in– I make Ghandi look like a child pornographer: The story of charity, compassion, and a guy’s wife “switching teams”

by tuna on February 7, 2012 in Advice, Alcohol, Philosophy with 1 Comment

It was Sunday Funday, the week before the Super Bowl, and I was in DC’s Chinatown, vigorously tipping back Tsingtao’s in honor of the Chinese New Year.  Some friends and I were signed up to participate in a scavenger hunt where we had to run around collecting various items/taking pictures of ourselves/visiting local watering holes to complete the challenge.  Upon completion, your name would be entered in a raffle to win various prizes and tickets to events around the DC area.  Prizes included: Gift cards to bars, tickets to plays, sporting events, and concerts.  I happened to be the lucky guy who won 2 tickets to see Rise Against on Sunday Feb. 5th at 7pm (i.e. the exact time of the Super Bowl).

Being the keen capitalist I am (and not being that in to angsty rock music), I decided to throw the tickets on Craigslist to try and line my pockets with a little extra greenery.  $25 a pop was below face ticket value so I wasn’t trying to price gauge the person who would be buying the tickets.  I also included a little tid bit on the ad saying “$25 each OR write me an essay (500 words of less) explaining to me why you deserve the tickets more than anyone else.”

I had 5 responses from willing buyers.  Clearly $25 per ticket was a steal!  But then, out of the blue, about 28 hours after posting the ad and I was in the process of lining up a meeting place with a buyer, one gentleman wrote me this essay:

Hi,

I have a 14 year old son who I have very little in common with since he hit his teen years, except music. Whenever I can I take him to concerts. We’ve driven to Rock-A-Thon in Syracuse the last two years and seen Avenged Sevenfold, STP, Bush, Hollywood Undead, Seether, etc. Last year I had to drive him to Cleveland to see Rise Against and Bad Religion because I was on work travel when they played in town.

He won’t do homework for me, never wants to have “father-son” chats, and has never forgiven his mother and I for our 6-month marital separation 4 years ago (she “switched teams” which was cool at first, but then went overboard). I just want to take him to the show for another rare bonding moment that might get me some positive mentions when he pours his heart out to his therapist in 10 years about what terrible parents we were.

But I suppose  the tickets are gone huh?  Let me know.
xxxxxxxxxx

I can’t really empathize with the man because I’m not a father, but I’ve seen enough television to know this is a serious situation.  The fact that the man has a tough relationship with his kid and then tossed in the fact that his wife “switched teams on him” and “it was cool at first, but then went overboard” made my decision quite easy– this man was getting the tickets.  We promptly set up a time to meet and I met him and his son and gave them the tickets.  It was a nice moment and I felt like I was making this guy and his kid’s entire weekend.

The moral of the story is, giving really feels better than receiving.  Is this extremely cliche? Yes.  However, is it true? You’re goddamn right.  Do I make Ghandi look like a child pornographer?  Probably not. I really just wanted to toot my own horn while making you laugh and want to read this post with a funny title.  Go do something nice for someone.

Scavenger Hunt pictures after the jump:

Continue reading → «This just in– I make Ghandi look like a child pornographer: The story of charity, compassion, and a guy’s wife “switching teams”»

Best Place to Get Drunk – Airport or Bowling Alley?

by tuna on December 29, 2011 in Alcohol, Great Debates with No comments

This is a serious question I pondered for a solid 30 minutes while drinking at the airport bar on my way home for Christmas last week.  Where is the better place to get drunk–the airport or the bowling alley?  Both have top quality people watching and are generally comprised of a low key atmosphere and laid back people– major pluses in my book.  At the same time, they’re both very different.  Airports have a plethora of types of people ranging from your hillbilly, never been on a plane before type to your corporate executives and everyone in between.  Bowling alleys are typically your blue collar, ‘murrica lovin, beer drinkin’ folks that gather around to enjoy their favorite sporting event while NASCAR isn’t on TV (my mom was in a bowling league growing up so I’m allowed to generalize).  You’ll also find your awkward high school dates and children’s birthday parties there.  The point is, we know both places are awesome places to get drunk, but the question is, which one is better?  I put together a list of pros and cons for each establishment based on my own experiences to determine a clear cut winner.

Airport

Pros

  • Socially acceptable to talk to strangers – after about 4 beers I was best friends with a 38 year old obese lady named Marianne (pictured above)
  • Get to hear ridiculously awesome stories from people you don’t know – she told me all about her second life online and how she’s dating a guy in Norway online but has never seen him, she has a bunch of cats, is pen pals with 2 different federal prisoners she’s never met (and is in love with one of them), and how she broke her hip when she fell through the deck of her sorority’s porch many years ago and that’s why she’s fat now
  • Also a good place to lie about your own stories with no repercussions – as far as she knew, I was a former professional baseball player and she’ll never know differently
  • Getting drunk helps you sleep on the plane – I feel asleep before the plane even took off and slept until we landed
  • Don’t have to worry about driving because someone is picking you up when you land – my pops was waiting for me at the curbside pick up

Cons

  • Possibility to miss your flight – I did miss my flight. Ended up having to wait on stand-by for the next available flight and got lucky.
  • Expensive drinks – $6+ a pop for Miller Lite was a little steep, but well worth it.

Bowling Alley

Pros

  • Rowdiness is generally more accepted – you’re not gonna get cavity searched by the TSA at a bowling alley for gettin a lil too toasty and shouting “BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE”
  • Incredible people watching – something about bowling alleys brings out the strangest people in the country.  I once witnessed a man whip his ball sac out over his belt buckle before his turn for what I can only imagine was for pure shock value.
  • The feeling you get when you feel like you’re one of the locals – hard to describe this, but every time I’m at a bowling alley I feel like Lloyd Christmas asking Flo what the “soug du jour” is at a roadside diner in Nowhereville, USA
  • Ability to quote The Big Lewbowski appropriately – “Smokey, this is not ‘Nam.  This is bowling.  There are rules.“
  • Friendly competition while drinking – everyone likes to compete a lil bit while enjoying a tasty brew.

Cons

  • Have to think about transportation – there’s rarely public transportation to the bowling alley unless you’re taking a cab which is probably frowned upon by the locals.
  • Possible chance to contract a disease – bowling alleys are not typically the cleanest places to spend an evening.  Lots of grime and probably STD’s.

Well, after about 15 minutes of deep thought and listing pros and cons, it seems we have ourselves a good old-fashioned tie– 5 pros/2 cons for each establishment.  That can only mean one thing– both are fantastic places to get your drink on.  There’s no right or wrong answer.  Whether you’re compulsively lying about yourself at the airport to strangers or simply hangin with the locals playing the sport meant for Sundays, you’re almost definitely going to be having a good time.  I urge all of you to go forth and get airport drunk or bowling alley drunk at the next opportunity you have.  You will not regret it– unless you miss your flight or get an STD or something.

How to win at “never have I ever” while playing a game of Kings*

by tuna on December 9, 2011 in Advice, Alcohol with No comments

*against Dangermike

Setup for Kings

Before getting into the guidelines for winning “never have I ever,” I’d like to clarify the background of what the game is.  If you’re reading this, you’re probably already familiar, but for all the socially challenged people that have never played Kings, I’ll explain the rules.

It’s a drinking game.

You take a deck of cards and spread them in a circle face down.

You rotate picking cards out of the deck.

Each card has a rule assigned to it.

Once you pick a card out, the rule must be played.  Here are the rules:

2-you (take a drink)

3-me (give a drink)

4-floor (touch the floor, last one to do it drinks)

5-guys (if you have a weiner, you drink)

6-chicks (if you have a whisker biscuit, you drink)

7-heaven (point to the ceiling, last one to do it drinks)

8-pick a mate (pick someone to drink with you)

9-bust a rhyme (end rhymes around the circle, if you can’t think of one, you drink)

10-categories (say a category of anything and everyone else has to say something within that category, if you can’t, you drink)

J-NEVER HAVE I EVER (hold up 3 fingers.  say something that you’ve never done that you think other people playing the game may have done. i.e. “never have i ever…… failed out of college, twice.” (Preview alert, Mike!)  if someone has actually done what you said, they take a finger down.  once someone has all 3 fingers down, they drink)

Q-questions (ask random questions, if you can’t think of one, you drink)

K-make a rule (make up any rule you want for the game)

A-waterfall (drink in a circle)

Now that you are refreshed on the rules of the game, I’ll tell you how to get Dangermike out on a “never have I ever” round.  These are all things Mike has done that you can use against him.

Never have I ever…………..

  • participated in a masturbatory race to climax
  • subscribed to gingerboners.com
  • jizzed in my pants while grazing my penis with two cantaloupes with nipples drawn on them with sharpie
  • had sex with a transvestite named charleen mcblanketsquirt
  • attempted to squeeze thumbtacks up my butthote four times
  • written a quadruple negative sentence in an actual college writing course
  • had my shoes peed on repeatedly by tuna

In hindsight, this post sucked.

Condolences.

Tuna

 

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Hard Cider

by thehorseyourodeinon on November 25, 2011 in Alcohol, Uncategorized with No comments

Just because thanksgiving has passed us by doesn’t mean that we have to move straight into eggnog season. There’s still time for a little hard cider in our lives (December 18thish might mark my transition from fall to winter goods). I stumbled upon this Spanish gem at the Durham Beer Festival a month or so back and if you can find it I would highly recommend getting a bottle or two. Trips to Whole Foods, Total Wine and Trader Joe’s proved futile and I finally found Isastegi Sagardo Naturala in A Southern Season’s beer section. You may be able to order it from A Southern Season http://www.southernseason.com/ but there’s a good chance that a decent local wine or beer shop might also carry it. It’s not your normal overly sweet cider, but in fact is rather sour and a bit dry if anything with an apple-lime flavor and some pretty serious carbonation. So if you’re looking for cider unlike any you’ve had ditch the Woodchuck and give Isastegi a shot.

 

Resident Bacon Aficionado

by Hot D on November 23, 2011 in Advice, Alcohol, Beer with No comments

As you likely can tell, we are all in vacation mode. However, I’m keeping my usual Wednesday slot to bring you, from the confines of sunny FL, this lovely bacon product.

I don’t know where I’m going to find this but I can tell you TotalWine is going to get a visit! Rogue makes one of the coolest beers out there the Northwestern Ale, named after Sig Hansen and his crab catching boat – as made famous by deadliest catch. Thanks again to Uncrate, I was able to pull this gem.

That’s right, Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Ale. I don’t even need to say anything more about this except, this is awesome! Get yourself some bacon lube and pour a tall glass of this libation and enjoy your Thankgiving in style. Hopefully I’ll have a review of this beer for you next time. If you somehow come by this beer, write a review and send it over to thebeststuffevertips@gmail.com

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