A couple of professionals at work.
If modern punditry has taught us anything, it’s this: conversation is a competitive sport. Building on that theme, the best way to win a conversation is not with thorough knowledge of the subject matter or even a viewpoint based upon a coherent ethos. No, if you’re looking to take down a linguistic opponent, you need to acknowledge the fact that you’re engaged in psychological warfare and accept that nothing is out of bounds. Once you’ve removed the competitive strait-jacket created by common decency and reason, you can launch a full scale attack on your opponent’s psyche before they’ve had a chance to say a word.
What follows is a set of strategies and basic phrases you can implement in a variety of social situations that will put your verbal sparring partner on the defensive, even if they weren’t aware they were competing in the first place.
The Thumbs Down. Americans have been flipping each other the bird since they were rocking Model T’s to silent movies, and frankly, it’s played out. Does anyone on the receiving end of the middle finger even get offended anymore? Certainly not me, I just assume that the giver of the one-finger salute is a douchebag and return to my usual routine of changing lanes without signaling and passing people on the right hand side while texting. If you really want your fellow motorist to do some soul-searching, flash them the thumbs down. It’s the open road equivalent of their parents sitting them down and saying, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Next time someone pulls out in front of you on a one-lane road even though there’s no one behind you, give them the thumbs down. It’s the best way I know to break someone’s spirit that won’t leave you open to a road rage conviction.
The “Did you get fucked up last night?” Ask this early in any conversation with a slight undertone of disapproval in your voice and you’ll put your adversary on the defensive for the rest of the discussion. Asking “Did you get fucked up last night?” insinuates that the other person looks or smells like hell, even if they don’t. Imagine going through your morning routine, checking yourself out in the mirror and feeling good before you walk out the front door only to have someone imply that you threw your ensemble together off your bedroom floor because you spent the previous night plowing through Jaeger bombs, Parliament Lights and morally casual local singles. You’ll spend the rest of the interaction wandering what you did wrong, which is exactly why you should be the first to say it and destroy your opponent’s morale before you even get around to making your point.
The “… because I know how you get.” What good is it doing something kind if you can’t make the recipient of your good deed feel uncomfortable to an extent that’s proportionate to or greater than your sacrifice? When walking to the car with two or more people and you’re not the driver, offer the front seat to someone else: “Hey, DangerMike, you can have the front seat because I know how you get.” In doing so, you offer a material perk (sitting in the front seat) at the expense of the recipient’s dignity. By throwing “because I know how you get” on the tail end of a generous proposition, you suggest that you’re making the offer because the recipient is a petulant child who would ruin your day unless they receive the object you’re offering. When they accept, they acknowledge that it’s true. Try using it when:
- Deciding who will hold the remote control
- Picking a restaurant on a Friday night
- Choosing between movies on your Netflix instant queue
The “(Insert demoralizing name here) was right about you.” It’s been said that one of the keys to being successful in business is not to take anything personally. However, it’s my opinion that you can become successful through a willingness to get more personal than anyone else. When you find yourself in a situation that seems like it’s starting to get personal, that’s your cue to get even more personal and start pulling out names so far removed from the confrontation that you flip your opponent’s mind upside down. Suppose you find yourself in some kind of disagreement that’s escalating, it could be about anything from your failure to include the new cover sheets on your TPS reports at work to your roommate forgetting to take out the trash. When the conversation reaches a point that it can be reconciled through compromise or continue to rage on by someone saying the wrong thing, defiantly drop this: “Lumberg/my mom/your ex-boyfriend/best friend was right about you.” I’d offer suggestions on how to proceed from there, but you’ve already firebombed their self-esteem and probably taken their will to live, just let your inner looter and rioter take care of any unfinished business.
That fence ain't gonna whitewash itself... which is why you need to trick your friends into doing it for you.
The “You know how to (insert desired action here), don’t you?” Daniel Vare once said, “Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.” This next tactic feels a lot more like manipulation, and probably is, but I’ll call it diplomacy so that I don’t infringe on Dick Chaney’s patent. In any event, should you find yourself in a situation where something needs to get done and you have ample hands on deck besides your own to complete the task at hand, that’s when you’ll want to pull out this maneuver. For instance, you’re moving into your apartment with the assistance of a couple friends and the floor needs to be mopped. All you need to do is come up with a reason for yourself to leave that sounds like work, such as, “I’m gonna drive back to the old place and see if there’s anything we forgot.” Then as you’re about to walk out the door, hand the mop to your friend, along with the following, “You know how to mop, don’t you?” Maintain eye contact for a quick moment to convey sincerity, and then bolt. They’ll realize for themselves that if the job isn’t done before you return, they’re basically telling you that they don’t know how to complete this basic task. The beauty of this one is that you needn’t be a slave to the script. For instance:
- “I’ve gotta run to the bathroom, you know what’s in a martini, right?”
- “I’ll make the coffee, you’ve made an omelet before, haven’t you?”
- “I’ll grab some napkins, I’m assuming you know how to light a charcoal grill?”
- “We need some drinks, you’ve pumped your own gas before, right?”
At this point, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that after a week or two of regularly implementing these conversational strategies, people will probably stop liking you and you’ll start to feel your soul shrinking as if it were a grape becoming a raisin. Apparently, that’s the going rate for repeated and ruthless efforts to seize victory. Then again, it never seems to bother Kobe Bryant.
