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Songs I’d Post If We Were Still Posting

Not necessarily new music, but just songs I like.

Former TBSE blogger working on her first album!!!

Obviously saved the best for last.

13 Resolutions for 2013

I’ve been asked several times in the past couple weeks what my New Year’s resolutions were.  Truth be told, I didn’t have any.  My response was I’d have to get back to you because I don’t have any yet.  Well as of today, you’re in luck because I finally decided to put together a list of resolutions for 2013.  I tried to make it a mix between totally feasible to slightly more difficult to achieve because I like variety.

1. Less beer, more scotch

Ideally I’d like to cut back drinking in general to a couple times a month, but realistically, I’ll probably continue to drink weekly.  Scotch was my grandfather’s drink of choice back in his drinking days and it’s about time I come to appreciate it.  Also, beer just weighs me down and I drink it too fast.  I’m thinking Macallan will be my Scotch of choice.

2. More scratch tickets (~5% of weekly income)

Gotta diversify my income somehow.  Plus, someone’s gotta pay the bills for TBSE.

3. Weekly blog posts

Writing blog posts requires some thought and creativity so it helps me stay sharp.

4. Partake in Meaty Mondays (double serving to meat to counteract the Meatless Monday movement)

More of a dig at my vegetarian friends, but I gotta eat a lot of protein if I wanna get swole.

5. Get swole

Why wouldn’t I want to get swole?

6. Complete an entire game of Risk

The Ukraine is not weak!

 

7. Handwrite letters to people

I’ve got stamps and envelopes… just no paper.  Maybe I’ll write letters on weird things like napkins, paper towels, whatever I can scrounge up and send them out.  Fun fact: you can mail a Kraft Single with a stamp and address on it.

8. Eat breakfast every morning

Some would say it’s the most important meal of the day.  It’s time I gave it a shot.

9. Pet a jungle cat

I stole this resolution from someone else, but it would probably be awesome so it’s making my list as well.

10. Take a spontaneous flight at the airport

Something I’ve always thought about doing but haven’t actually done.  Considering I live 15 minutes from the airport, there’s no reason not to.

11. Attend music festival

Having been to JazzFest in 2011 and Firefly in 2012, I’d like to keep it going as an annual thing.

12. Play on a blob

Not sure how I’ve lived to be 25 and haven’t played on a blob yet.

13. Lose 20 lbs

Between eating breakfast and getting swole, I think 20 lbs is doable.  Plus I needed a generic resolution to throw on the list.

 

There Should Be a Day Everyone Refers to Each Other by Their Former AIM Screen Name

(Walking into the office on “Refer to Everyone by Their AIM Screen Name Day”)

Bob: Hey, hey! Good morning Rhondazoid84!

Rhonda: Oh hey B1gD1ckB0B!  How’s it going today?!

Bob: Pretty fucking good! Happy Refer to Everyone by Their AIM Screen Name Day! Any idea when SillyWilly1084QB is going to be in? I’ve got some TPS reports he needs to take care of, A-SAP!

Rhonda: Sorry B1gD1ckB0b! I’m not your goddamn secretary! Why don’t you ask xNickelbackxKornxStaind?

Bob: Because he fucking sucks!  What the shit kind of screen name is that?!

(Laughter)

That was a real conversation that I made up in my mind.  Quick disclaimer: I’ve been drinking a lot of Nyquil and have no business writing a blog post right now.

So this dude in my office was going around asking everyone what their old AIM screen name used to be.  Suffice it to say, the findings were pure comedy gold.  The conclusions I’ve drawn were if you were a girl and had a lot of X’s, O’s, or 69′s, you were definitely a hoe.  If you were a dude and made any reference to your weiner or the sport you played, you were probably a d-bag.  While this may be a bit of a blanket statement, I’m sure most of you would tend to agree.

This got me thinking to having a special day dedicated to calling each other by your old screen names.  1. Because it’s hilarious and 2.) because you can get a good feel for someone’s true personality.  Sure people change, mature, and turn into productive members of society.  But it’s fun to find out someone’s old screen name because it’s like looking into a window of their former lives.  And who doesn’t want that?

Alright, I’m about to tap out and this blog post isn’t really going anywhere so I’m just going to sign myself into AIM Express (yes, it still exists) and make a list of the most ridiculous screen names on my buddy list along with some brieft commentary.  Apologies to any friends who get called out in process.  On the plus side, I won’t put your real name and I’m going to change the numbers so random people can’t just IM you if you somehow still use it.  Without further adieu:

LiL innocent68 (young girls calling themselves innocent online just doesn’t pan out.)

samiXlay (X and lay in the same screen name? you do the math)

krnstdslpk (that’s short for korn staind slipknot…. high school. confusing times indeed)

abfitchbaseball01 (ah yes, your favorite clothing brand + your favorite sport. classic.)

AlRetard87 (hilarious.)

BiGfLiRt0019 (hoe-tastic.)

CementHead20 (don’t know why but i love it.)

choomi9 (chew me 9? what kinda monster would want that? probably some kind of sicko these days)

CloggingForSatan (i just like this one.)

DrewDawgger28 (real original.)

Irish BaBii (it’d be fine if it weren’t for the weird capitalization)

Jerk40 (ay yi yi)

kingd1ck8 (weiner reference!)

m1ke1de (screams douchebag.  probably turned into a blogger/chef/possible murderer or something.)

minime1234 (i’m sure it was funny when austin powers came out.  shoulda thought that one through.)

NaTaS 666 (Satan backwards followed by the mark of the beast? Screams winner.)

SexiQThottie (had to realize you were gonna regret that one day.)

st00pidd1ck4 (another weiner guy!)

TheMysticMachine123 (love this one. he should probably still go by this every day.)

That’s all I’ve got.  Gotta go pass out.  Comment section your own screen name so I can make fun of you.

No Brainer Post of the Week – Mariah Carey, The Roots and Jimmy Fallon Singing All I Want for Christmas

Obviously this is about to go viral as a mother effer so figured I’d post it here for easy access.

Facebook Poking Guidelines

Me : “Hey Mike, I poked Bertha on Facebook and she poked me back!”
Mike : “Oh, a classic facebook poke. She’ll be biting your pillow in no time!”

What kind of immature, pathetic attempt of a grown human adult still uses the Facebook poke you ask?  I’ll tell you.  Pretty much everyone, including myself. Why exactly… I don’t know. Because it’s easy? Because it’s fun? Because it’s a stupid way to briefly remind someone you exist?  I’m sure everyone has their reasons, but is there actually some universal meaning to a poke?  The answer is yes and no, depending on the situation of course.  Let’s take a look at some of the different reasonings behind the poke and break them down so you can go on living your life and stop stressing out about that poke you got from Jimmy your freshmen year of college.

The Flirtatious Poke – Probably the most common poke in the Facebook universe.  Obviously you want to bang/date/marry them so the only appropriate measure is to poke them on Facebook.  Most people would have a problem sending a message saying, “Hey, we should bang sometime!”  The obvious solution: poke em.  Poke em til you can physically poke them with your genitals.  It’s a fool proof plan and it will definitely work.  If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times– “electronic facebook poking is the quickest way into a the pants of the significant other you’re interested in getting into the pants of.”   Also effective: stop being a fucking sissy and ask them on a date.

The Friendly Poke – Just a lil, “hey, how ya doin”” poke.  From a personal standpoint, this is probably my most commonly used poke.  Not necessarily a sexually charged poke, but more of a “we used to be friends, but now we barely talk so I’m just going to poke you and see if it leads to more substantial conversation.”  I like this one because it usually works.  It’s an easy way to get a conversation going without actually initiating a conversation.  Also effective: being a normal human being and using your cell phone to call them.  Quit being such a squid and do a better job at keeping in touch with people.  Write them a letter or something, ferchristsake.

The Poke War Poke – Sometimes you just want to start a poke war with someone.  That’s pretty much it.  Personally, I’ve got 2 or 3 poke wars currently unfolding.  I just like getting the lil red notification box when I get a poke because my life is average.  Usually my poke wars are with people I’m already pretty good friends with but I’ve heard of all out poke wars with near strangers.  Also effective: having close friends in real life that you can count on to hang out with instead of exchanging pokes with.

 The Random Stranger Poke – Easily the creepiest poke out there.  Stalking around Facebook and see an attractive member of the opposite sex?  Just poke em and let the courtship begin.  I can hear the wedding bells now!!  Also effective: don’t poke strangers… especially in real life.  That’s some straight sexual harassment type shit.

Well, writing this article has been a pleasure because it has been fun to think about and more importantly, a poignant criticism of myself and my own poking habits.  While breaking down the meaning of pokes, I’ve come to realize the true laziness that is the poke and that I should instead of poking people, do more of the “also effective” suggestions I came up with while writing the article.

Who am I kidding? POKES 4 LIFE.

*Poke*

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Cashin’ Checks, Breakin’ Necks–New City, New Job, New Post

What’s up team?  I haven’t written a blog post since… maybe July?  Maybe October 2010?  I don’t even know.  Did I ever really blog?  Self-admittedly, no.  I pretty much just posted the occasional youtube video and some sentences jumbled together to resemble blog posts.  I basically started this site and let the poor saps that offered to help contribute do most of the grunt work, i.e. produce quality content, while I sat back like a fat cat and and cashed the checks.  If all goes as planned, I’ll hit the $100 in revenue mark from Google Ads next month and my two year plot to get $100 from Google will finally be complete.  Then I’m cashing that check built on the literary prowess of writers much greater than myself and hightailing my pale ass to May-hee-co.  YEEEEEEEAAAHOOOOOOOOO.

That’s actually not true, but you can bet your fucking hiney I’m cashing that $100 check and not sharing a dime with those suckers.  I’m like 200 bucks in the red just paying for the site and keeping everything up and running.  Gotta defray the costs somehow.  Sorry Dangermike.

Anyways, I figured I’d take this time to fill you in on my life as things have changed drastically in the last five or so months.  Here’s a a little recap going back to June.

June 1: Turned 25, quit my job

July 15: Started new job

July 17: Quit new job

July 20-22: Attended Firefly Music Festival

End of July: Became single.

August/September: Unemployed

October 12: Moved to Boston

October 15: Started new job in Boston

November – Present: Grew a sweet mustache and currently enjoying life in Boston.

There you have it.  Almost 5 months summed up in 35 words and a lame ass picture of me featuring my burly mustache.  There’s actually a greater reason for this particular post than to just fill you in on my life and what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been getting the itch to write and I’m thinking about bringing back TBSE part time and posting two or three respectable articles a week.  I’m just floating this post out there to see what kind of traffic it’ll get and see if people still read TBSE.  If you read this, nice!  I’ll probably keep posting anyways, but still, that’s nice of you!  I like it.  Keep coming back for more.  In the meantime, enjoy Jesse and the Rippers.

Awesome Hand Gestures for Your Daily Life

Throughout our daily lives, we’re surrounded my people making hand gestures.  Most of them are lame and boring (I’m talkin to you guy who still uses the “hang loose” gesture), but there are a few little nuggets worth holding onto.  I’m here to fill you in on how to use hand gestures to at least triple your coolness.

Double Guns

 

As you can see in the above picture, there’s only one gun.  You’re going to have to use your imagination, or better yet, practice while reading along.  The meaning of the double guns is simply a sign of approval.  It’s for when you just want to say, “Hey, I like that idea, you wiley sonofabitch” without actually saying it.  In addition to the guns, you kinda need to push your lips up towards your nose a little bit and nod your head yes in approval.  All the while, you need to move your thumbs up in down (as seen above) exactly 2 times.  Any more than 2 thumb pumps and you’re an asshole.  There’s no need to shoot me 3 times.  +5 points to you if you actually practiced this while reading along.

The Knock and Point

 

 

This is appropriate for exiting a conversation at the office.  If you’re stuck talking to someone at their cube/desk and it’s getting time for you make your escape, just simple give them the knock and point.  Like, “Hey, I don’t give a shit about what you’re saying anymore and it’s time for me to go.”  Simply wait until there’s a slight pause in the conversation, say “Alright”, knock on their desk twice, take a step back, take your knocking fist and turn it into a gun.  From there, do a single gun point with 2 thumb pumps and the conversation is over.  There’s no conversation worth extending after the knock and point has been unleashed because that would just be awkward.

Tight Butthole/Loose Butthole

 

I know what you’re probably thinking– “What the hell is this tight butthole/loose buttonhole filth I’m reading on my computer screen?”  If that is the case, you probably aren’t a fan of the hit Comedy Central original series, “Workaholics.”  Basically, to the untrained eye, that picture above looks like the “A-OK” sign– super lame.  However, with the new tight butthole/loose butthole definition, this gesture is actually cool again!  That picture above actually means loose butthole, which could therefore be interpreted as bad.  If you were to curl your index finger in further to make a smaller circle, that would be tight butthole, therefore being interpreted as good.  Common uses would be while eating a double cheeseburger from McDonalds, giving the tight butthole gesture, and saying “this double chee is so tight butthole.”

If I had to give myself a grade on this post, I’d probably say it was pretty loose butthole.

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