Today is one of our sexiest readers’ birthdays (hAPPy birthday!). I hope that I might be able to score a date with her but until then I’ll have to keep taking down wildebeests with my unstoppable pick up line:
“I wrote this song.”
This is probably the most diverse pickup line I’ve tried in terms of situational usage. Other lines are solely openers or closers (or, Karl’s case, failures all together) but this line can be used at any time with just about any girl. Invariably you have been out at a bar (hopefully not at a club because clubs are where our souls go to hump each other to death) and you make somewhat meaningful eye contact with the cutie next to you. And while you’re probably impatiently waiting on the oft over-tipped bartender who is pretty shitty at his job to refill your cup of Allagash Interlude, all you really want is to strike up a conversation that striking dame on the stool to your left. The silence between you is palpable, only cut by “Only Girl in the World” by Rihanna, when you say, “Actually, I – um – wrote this song.” If said somewhat seriously with only a hint of a smirk, it will be accepted in the way it’s intended- as a non-threatening yet alluring joke from a future-friend for this girl to make. And she’ll want to because you’re cute and silly. Writers note— I’ve used this line to get girls interested and to make male platonic friends (I really don’t give a shit how lame that sounds…) it really works for any circumstance. The other day I was prepping for a catering job at a wedding and I was standing next to a particularly cute looking cook when “All the Single Ladies” came on. And I would like to impress upon you how rare that is- most female cooks have about as much sexual appeal as the space between Lindsay Lohan’s tar-encrusted front teeth but this chick was more than just a little attractive. I informed this adorable cook that I, in fact, wrote “All the Single Ladies” and she thought it was pretty funny. I didn’t think anything of it because I have used that line so many times. But she thought it was so humorous that she felt it was prudent to mention that because I was so rich from writing hits for [fake pregnant] Beyonce that I should buy her a couple drinks that night. And while I had prior engagements, it was a good piece of affirmation that the line WORKS. And, like I said, this is not just an opener- it’s a good idea to use this when you are getting shut down, “consequently I wrote this song so the lack of sex from you pales in comparison to the colosal amounts of sex from my groupies.” Or maybe you are closing the deal (way to go, friend)- “Actually I wrote this song so… who are you? Are you famous? Because I am. Bartender- who is this girl?” Girls love confidence and because you aren’t confident (or you shouldn’t be because you are shitty at picking up girls) this is an exhibition of pseudo confidence and a little humor. Girl’s say they love a guy with a great sense of humor- it’s a lie but they all say it so it must count for something.
Halloween’s over so you might need a little more help picking up some sluts. I mean not every chick is dressed as a sexual nurse all the time. So here are some other lines from other TBSE writers:
tuna: “Can I kiss those lips? Seriously, I want to stick my tongue down your throat. I’ll fuck you right now.”
I’ve never actually used this one, but I once heard it in a drunk, pathetic attempt at last call. It was the greatest pick up attempt I have ever witnessed, despite it’s lack of success.
walrus: motion to a girl with one finger, and when she walks over say “I just made you come with one finger, imagine the possibilities.”
Classic line, they’ll think it’s funny, and if it’s a slut she’ll actually think about it.
Robthewelterweight:
1) “How much does a polar bear weigh? …(pause)… Enough to break the ice. Nice to meet you, I’m <insert your name here>.” I think this one is effective because it’s not a come on or intimidating whatsoever, but it’s cheesy and clever enough to get a laugh. If it doesn’t receive a laugh the girl a) doesn’t have a sense of humor, b) thinks your gross, c) couldn’t figure it out. Either way, if she’s not into the line she’s clearly not for you. There’s nothing left to say and you can just move on and pretend it never happened.
2) “Sooo… do you want to watch The Life Aquatic?” My buddy let this one fly in college and managed to hook up with a random girl way out of his league that happened to be attending a party at his house. I’ve only used it once, but it was also successful, so this line is batting 1.000 as far as I know.
Date scored.