Not necessarily new music, but just songs I like.
Former TBSE blogger working on her first album!!!
Obviously saved the best for last.
Not necessarily new music, but just songs I like.
Former TBSE blogger working on her first album!!!
Obviously saved the best for last.
I blogged once last week and it went so well that I decided to do it again.
It was nice to get the cobwebs out and hash out some topics, ideas, and bad jokes with the former crack staff of TBSE.
Tuna suggested that I do a dating series and I obliged. Not as much to give you readers advice but to actually help out my good friend and TBSE proprietor. You see, Tuna is still virgin and not in the cutesy “saving himself for marriage” way. More like when he gets close to a girl’s underpants, the tip of his penis explodes like one of those Chinese New Year pull-string firecrackers. And that wiener comparison is to scale. I’d be afraid of sex too if I were hung like him. It’d be like if Tuna tried to re-paint his bedroom by dropping a marble covered in primer in and shaking it around like you did at sleepaway camp.
Who to ask:
If you’re Tuna, who listens to K. Michelle- V.S.O.P. while he masturbates, practically anyone. For the rest of you readers, I am going to take my time and lay out the options. Ladies love it when you take your time.
First off, there are work peeps. I have very little experience in work relationships since I’ve never once frenched any girl I’ve worked with. That being said, most work hookups, regardless of how serious the feelings are, end messy. I once overheard a dude at work saying that the coworker that he was cobanging was “fat”. As I was standing right next to her. It got rough pretty much immediately. She wasn’t fat but she was an asshole but that’s beside the point. This is a higher pressure situation as the consequences are kind of dire if it goes south.
Another option is a friend of a friend (or..just friend if you have friends of the fairer sex)- this is my favorite because I tend to need a mediator to pass out and collect notes that ask whether or not the girl likes me back. Plus it’s a good excuse to run into them in a non creepy way. If you aren’t a mental midget like me, you can just meet someone and say, “hi.” And then follow that up with small talk leading up to asking her out..while you wonder if her bra strap has two clips or three and how that middle clip on the ones with three can get tricky if you’re rusty. I do prefer the mutual friend thing because it gives you an idea of the type of person she is. “The company you keep,” cliche is usually a good indicator of whether or not she’s going to email blast your very circumcised dick pics to your friends and family. Been there. Done that.
The last option here is girls from bars- don’t do it unless you want to have a girl call you, “Daddy,” while you “make love to her.”
When to ask:
I don’t mean time of day but in terms of how long you’ve known each other/been “hanging out”. I would suggest pulling the trigger pretty much immediately if you fulfill all three of:
The longer you wait after that, the less likely she is to say yes. Unless you’re me. I am not pretty enough to follow that advice. If you are an ugly duckling like myself, you must prove your self-worth for a month or two. Then you submit your dating intentions in writing and get it notarized. Then maybe apologize for talking to her or something. I say sorry for pretty much everything I do. Works for me like %40 of the time.
How to ask:
Don’t ask by text or facebook or email or twitter or tumblr or instagram or kik or vine or google chat or skype (maybe skype if distance exists) and definitely not pinterest. And don’t have a public Pinterest if you’re a man. I mean, yeah some of the pins are pretty awesome and crafting seems like a nice weekend, just don’t publish it on Facebook if you can help it.
Ask in person with less than four drinks in your system but probably more than one because, “liquid courage,” is a saying for a reason. Don’t ask openendedly (not one word but I’m going with it). Have a plan of where you want to go and what you want to do- make this plan based off knowledge/shared interests you have gained about your target/prey. Also- know what nights you have open for the next 60 months. Making a date and rescheduling could reflect poorly on yourself and your ability to follow through, which could ruin future naked chances. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?
Where to go:
This is a coin flip basically- do you want to talk a lot or not? If you don’t, try a movie. Or be creative and take her to a show or play or community thing or maybe you have a hilarious friend that bombs at open mic nights. Take her there and shit talk your shitty comedian-friend the entire time- easy communication.
Tuna read this blog and offered his opinion that going to the movies on a date as a mid-twenty something was for, “squids.” He’s wrong. Don’t hold hands or get dropped off by your parents but go because it’s a classic date for a reason. If Goodwill Hunting was rereleased into theaters, I would tongue-kiss so many girls it’s ridiculous. One at the matinee and two at the late show. Worked in college, would work now.
If you do like to talk you should take her to one of those wine drinking painting things I see on Instagram all the time. I never see a dude at those things and I feel like if you were to bite the bullet and go, you would have a good time and score monster brownie points. Plus wine rocks. And being a bad painter in no way reflects upon your skills in the bedroom. If she, per say, spotted you throwing a baseball femininely on the first date, that might hurt your naked chances but art probably won’t come naturally to either of you. And if coming naturally is the goal, I’ve just handed you a cheat sheet for the test.
Overdress but don’t be a dickhead. Or wear a tux.
Do or do not seal the deal. There is no try:
I believe that the longer that you withhold from sex in a relationship, the better things go. If you meet a girl by inserting your penis into her mouth, probably not going to be putting a ring on it any time soon. I’m not saying that you should wait until marriage because what if ..my friend.. has a micropenis and he’s not sure if his girlfriend would be into it.
I don’t think there’s a rule for whether or not you should bang on a first date. Maybe you guys have a connection and shit. Maybe you have been friends for a long time and then finally go out a some time later and you just need to see what shade of pink her areola are. I’m not here to judge but I do have one piece of information.
DO NOT “TRY” TO SEAL THE DEAL.
We have all gone home with girls and have been unsure if we were getting lucky until we reached past the elastic of her underpants. That’s fine, sometimes it’s good to test the waters to see where you stand but a first date with someone you like is not one of those times. Only round third if you are positive it’s a yes before any type of asking. Getting thrown out stealing home pretty much fucks you here. Not trying and leaving empty-handed is like investing in future naked chances with the possibility of feelings. And maybe some crying. Or maybe that’s just me because I tend to get emotional.
This article was surprisingly informative. You’re welcome.
We never use the stars at the bottom and I want to try to sooooooo:
vote 1 star for the cover being better or 5 stars for lorde having the
sexiest best voice a 16 yr old can have
And I don’t really feel bad about it. Actually let me be honest- I do follow several news sources but most are on the internet and most involve the many retirements and subsequent unretirements? of Adult Film Stars (capitalization mostly for respect purposes).
Due to my lack of involvement in anything current or eventful, you can imagine my surprise when I read that the Government was going to shut down 450 times in a row on my Facebook feed. Governments can just shut down? Is that bad? Shouldn’t this happen to like, Lithuania? Well I figured there was one answer for all of those questions I asked myself- write a completely non-sequiter TBSE blog about five (5) non-sequiter things. I like the word/phrase non-sequiter. DONE:
1. I had to Google what non-sequiter meant. I was fairly certain I was using it right, found out that I was slightly incorrect, and then I shoe-horned it into those sentences. That’s how I grow my vocabulary in an age where I’d rather watch anything on a screen before I even think about opening a book. Unless the thing on the screen has subtitles. Because I would rather nap than watch a foreign move- it’s called Patriotism.
2. I don’t know if I’m cool enough to listen to rap anymore. When I was a spritely lad, delving into hip-hop for the first time, the main focus seemed to be on money, cash, and hoes. Also weed. Now it’s a bit more:
It seems like EVERYONE is fucked up on promethazine these days. Even my boy Drake “leans” on the reg now. WTF. Apparently when Drizzy-Dray says, “could be purple, it could be pink,” it means that he varies the amount of drugs in his cup and not vodka. I’m old. It reminds me of when I won my argument against my brother’s babysitter whether or not Jay-Z actually said, “Can I get a fuck you?!” He did.
(the song I posted is so fire though)
3. I left Philly and I couldn’t be happier. Not that I didn’t love the City of Brotherly Love but I am a country mouse. While I was in the Philthiest state to date I met great people, ate great food, and drank great beers. Green Day and the drummer from Styx ate at the restaurant I worked at. So did Chip Kelly. I cooked pasta for Charlie Manuel at 11 PM one night and if that sounds the slightest bit cool, believe me it wasn’t.
Leaving PA also means I am closing the chapter on Philly girls. Thank god. No longer will I receive texts like:
Well maybe I could get that type of text again. But from a respectable girl who makes me want to “put a ring on it” rather than just come on it. Nothing against girls I’ve came on.
4. Newsroom Sucks. Mostly. I like Sloane because she’s hot and somewhat cool..even though her character is just as flawed as the rest of them on this pompous show. Also Don is cool because he’s the least flawed and he’s getting dangerously close to banging Sloane. And she takes dirty pics. Score.
The scene where Jeff Daniels storms into the police station and asks a police officer to answer for the death of Anwar al-Awlaki is the most self-important trash I have ever seen. And that’s even for HBO where the pilot of GIRLS included characters likening themselves to members of the Sex in the City cast…give me a break. (I’d be Mr. Big but more like Mr. Girth)
Also the scene in the finale (part fucking one because we couldn’t figure out the sequential order of the show?) where Jane Fonda gives them a pep-talk about how they would just figure out how to just get the trust of the people back after the Genoa incident made me throw up. Like, I had just finished a bowl of Lite Vanilla ice cream and I threw it up. That’s $2 and about 20 total hours of my life I’ll never get back. Thanks Aaron!
5a. The phrase, “no pantyhose,” works better as a dirty girl group. Like- “here come’s the No Panty Hoes, a group of sassy 20-somethings taking back their sexuality. They really are ’bout dat life.” Clearly Miley Cyrus is the front-slut and Selena Gomez dances backstage because she’s not 18 yet.
5b. This shirt rocks- go Sox:
Also Rabbit Rabbit, douchebags.
Americans can’t seem to find common ground on anything these days. Whether you’re talking about the climate change, gay marriage, Obamacare or Johnny Manziel, it’s not difficult to find someone willing to put up their metaphorical dukes and verbally pummel an opposing viewpoint. However, there’s one thing that Americans from Miami to Anchorage can agree on: this season of The Bachelorette was the motherfucking pits.
To be honest, there are no shortage of scapegoats to thrust a reproachful finger at. This season’s crop of assembly line bros were exceptionally dull even by the franchise’s vanilla standards, which I mean to be an insult but upon further review is actually a mind-blowing achievement. It started with Kasey’s hastags and was perpetuated by Brooks’s use of verbs and nouns like “walking,” “jogging,” “running” and “finish line” as his adjectives to describe love. Worse travesties occurred along the way that my mind must have purged, because somehow, the ‘Nator and I were front and center for the entire escapade. The men’s efforts to describe their feelings for Des and the whole season can be summed up in a single analogy: it was a televised version of a finger painting hanging on a proud parent’s refrigerator that looks like a giant glob of smeared shit. I’m sure the bachelors’ parents and extended families were mighty proud of the performance, but without the bonds of affection created by shared bloodlines, America could only look on in horror.
Then there was Des.
I’ll put this out there: she seems like a nice girl. But she’s also kind of a dud. As a matter of fact, Des was so boring that the most boring guy on the show as well as the frontrunner for Des’s heart took himself out of the running last week. The breakup was an excruciating marathon of unintelligible bullshit and meaningless platitudes, so I can only make a conjecture as to the true motivation behind Brooks’s decision to hit the bricks, but I suspect it can best be summed up by my friend Sherwood. We were hanging out one day in college and Sherwood said, “As soon as I hook up with a girl, I immediately lose respect for her. That sounds worse than I mean it… but if she’s willing to hook up with me, there’s no telling what she’s capable of.” So in a feat of self-awareness unprecedented in Bachelorette history, Brooks took himself out of the running because he figured any woman choosing him out of a batch of garden variety bros had to have a screw loose.
Brooks’s departure left Des an emotional train wreck heading into tonight’s episode, so to ease the inevitable disappointment the ‘Nator and I took in the season finale with an all-star cast that was sure to be better than Chris Harrison’s half-assed offering. Special thanks to cousins Kim and Jenn as well as the ‘Nator’s sister Alissa for joining us and finding a way to make the evening entertaining. Kathleen, tip of the cap to you for having the good sense to flea our apartment like a crime scene before the massacre began. Without further ado…
0:00 – And we’re off. Chris Harrison begins the proceedings with a quick synopsis of last week: “Desiree gave her heart completely to someone who didn’t love her back. What will Desiree do, can she still find the love and happiness she deserves?” Alissa doesn’t seem nearly as mystified by this evening’s prospects: “We’re just gonna watch her cry and be stupid.”
0:03 – Cut to sad bachelor music and Des walking onto a balcony as she voices over a “woe is me” speech. Alissa is not impressed. “Her hair looks terrible, like she doesn’t have enough protein or something.” As a registered dietician she’s completely qualified to make that comment. Apparently Des is still searching for reasons why Brooks left less week. The ‘Nator has a theory: “Because she likes boys.” “With Drew,” Kim quickly offers for two points and the win.
0:05 – Chris Harrison lets out a longing sight as he sits down with Des as she breaks down in tears. “I’m OK when people don’t ask,” says Des, clad in a dress that was clearly inspired by a Miami Dolphins cheerleading uniform. Des goes on, “My spirit has been broken, and I don’t want them to feel how I feel.” Hagan lets out a disgusted, “I cannot watch two hours of breaking up with people.” “You will though,” says Jenn. The pace and quality of the commentary in this rooms has me feeling like I’m living in a sitcom.
0:10 – Chris Harrison manages to lead Des through her grief and into a rose ceremony because he’s reality Tv’s Pied Piper of love. Drew arrives looking like he’s ready for a photo shoot. Say what you will about Drew, but the man’s a total fox. Chris quickly joins him at the rose ceremony and the pair looks uncomfortable as they try to figure out why they’re the only two in attendance.
0:13 – Des explains, “Brooks chose to go home on his own yesterday,” through tears. “I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit.” Could’ve fooled us, Des. She immediately breaks into more tears. Chris looks like he wants to recite a poem.
0:15 – As the roses are about to go out the DVR freezes inciting panic in our apartment. We’re comforted by the fact that there are two dudes and two roses and this will be the least dramatic rose ceremony ever. Nonetheless, Jenn begins praying out loud and it seems to have worked. “It’s kind of like the TV farted,” says Alissa as she reflects on the situation.
0:18 – Chris and Drew gladly cheers Des after they receive their roses, ignoring the fact that the girl they’re supposedly in love with has been weeping over the fact that they’re her only remaining options.
0:20 – We return from commercial to find two dudes in the studio audience sitting behind Chris Harrison. I considered commenting before I realized that we’ve both got similar gender ratios surrounding us and I’m live-blogging an episode of The Bachelorette. Glass houses, you know?
0:25 – We return to Antigua to find that “We’re still putting up with the charade,” according to the Nator. Des continues to make questionable wardrobe decisions. “You are not Pocahontas!.” says the Nator as Des pulls up to Drew on horseback looking like a Powhatan dream.
0:27 – Drew seems optimistic heading into the date. “I’m so certain in what I’m doing that I just can’t wait to follow through with it,” he says. On the other hand, Des doesn’t seem to be feeling it, which isn’t surprising. Drew pulls out a bottle of wine and toasts to “being madly in love,” as Des prepares to break up with him. Had he added “With Brooks” to the end of his toast he would have been totally on point. Des quickly breaks down as struggles to understand that he’s being broken up with.
0:31 – Drew says “I don’t knew” at least half a dozen times as he tries to respond to the breakup. Des tries to offer some comfort, but no words come out… just noises.
0:33 – Drew prepares to leave as Jenn asks, “Does he get to take the horse back?” These are important questions. He walks across the beach looking despondent and offers, “I really loved her… She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.” Seems like he could use a ride on Mikey T’s love boat.
0:35 – Turns out Drew will be taking off in a seven person van. Glad that’s settled. We pan back to a silent audience in the studio with Chris Harrison as Chris continues to pronounce finale as if it rhymes with Dinali. I really hope that I’m not the one who has this wrong. I’ll confer with Mr. Webster. Yes, I was right.
0:42 – We return as Chris and Des begin their date by heading out on a catamaran to what sounds like a tune from the Titanic soundtrack. This guy’s gotta be toast. They’re on the front of the boat looking like Jack and Rose Dawson while Des tries to talk herself into Chris in the confessional and America waits for their romance to ram into a metaphorical iceberg at 20 knots.
0:45 – We’re off the boat and Des heads to Chris’s room where they immediately begin sucking face. “I wonder how he’s gonna feel knowing that he’s sloppy seconds,” asks Alissa. Great question.
0:47 – Chris and Des sit down in his room while Chris goes on about how excited he is to see what the future brings. Seems like a poem is on the way.
0:50 – Des assures Chris that she would like him to meet her family. The rest of us wonder if Des’s brother will be there while Chris offers Des the gift of a journal that includes all of the poems that he’s written her. I’m assuming they’ve been transcribed in crayons.
0:53 – Des breaks down as she explains that no one’s ever loved her as much as she’s loved them, and feels guilty that she hadn’t loved Chris from the beginning. I won’t hold it against her.
0:55 – Jackie, Leslie and Lindsey from last season are back along with Sean and Katherine to offer their thoughts. Sean and Katherine talk about their relationship and look somewhat uncomfortable. Probably because they’re talking about one of his ex-girlfriends while three more look on. Fucking nightmare for Sean, no way I’d survive that firing squad.
0:58 – Jackie thinks that Chris and Des are a good couple because they look good together, which frankly, is all you need. So long as Hagan and I keep our shit tight we’ll be in good shape according to that logic. Kim confirms we’re on the right track. Thanks! Leslie thinks Chris and Des look happy. Lindsey is less convinced. Let’s get back to the film!
1:02 – Bathroom breaks for everyone. Apparently, slugging wine all night has its downfalls.
1:10 – Des takes a step onto her balcony for some introspective shots as she ponders introducing Chris to her family. We’re all really hoping that Des’s black sheep brother will be prominently involved in the proceedings. Chris seems concerned as well, I’m assuming that he’ll overdo it and Des’s brother will go scorched earth on his goofy ass.
1:11 – Des’s brother plays up the dickhead angle right off the bat and takes control of the conversation. He’s taking a different approach this time around and decides to harp on the fact that Des has been dating multiple dudes throughout their courtship while Chris looks uncomfortable.
1:13 – Des’s brother takes a seat at the head of the dinner table because he’s in control of the situation. He asks Chris if he would be devastated if Des chose Drew instead of him. It seems to be a question asked in earnest, because people without souls rarely have feelings according to all of my ginger friends.
1:15 – Chris steps off with Des’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. After a moment of contemplation her dad agrees and tells Chris to “Take care of her.” Speaking from experience, these conversations rarely go so well when there are no cameras around to capture the proceedings.
1:16 – Des takes a moment to sit down with her brother who promptly asks whether or not Chris is the one she’d like to spend the rest of her life with and encourages her to “settle for nobody.” He goes on to point out that when he saw her back in LA she was going on and on about Brooks. This kid plants seeds of depression like he’s the Johnny Appleseed of misery. How have Connor and Murphy MacManus not taken care of this dickhead by now? Wait, Boondock Saints wasn’t real.
1:20 – We return to the studio after a commercial break as Chris throws it back to Antigua for a potential proposal. Chris sits down with Neil Lane who has some diamond monstrosities for him to peruse.
1:24 – Chris and Des head to thunderdome to see whether or not Des is truly over Brooks. The room is skeptical and Des seems to be as well. If she turns down Crhis after dragging him out to the Love Proving Ground she’s a total bitch.
1:27 – Chris takes a deep breath and prepares to take the long walk to Des before meeting Chris Harrison halfway to be led to his emotional execution. There’s are canons in the background, not a good sign.
1:29 – Chris launches into his proposal speech while Des pretends to be into it. “I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us.” As he prepares to drop to knee Des tells him to stop. Chris holds it together while he clearly wants to punch her in the face. Des informs Chris that she sent Drew home 5 minutes into their date before diving deep into her infatuation with Brooks. She goes into a sob story, then tells Chris that he’s been the one for her all along and then brings it home with an “I love you so much.” Chris re-drops to knee and tells Des that he’d like to be her first and last before they start passionately necking. “I still hate her,” says Alissa.
1:36 – We dive into a Chris and Des montage full of goofy moments and amateur rhyme before Des offers Chris her final rose.
1:40 – And we’re back in a studio full of estrogen and raw emotion with Chris Harrison and a few dozen women as he welcomes a glowing Des to the stage. Des thinks it was special to “Go through the heartbreak to see the beauty in love.” Glad she enjoyed it.
1:45 – Chris Harrison wants to bring it back to Brooks and asks if she’s nervous to see him. Des laughs uncomfortably for a short eternity before delivering a hand in the cookie jar, “No!” I’ll be honest, she didn’t quite sell it.
1: 48 – Brooks comes out with short hair and a 5 o’clock shadow. Brooks goes on about how badly he wanted the relationship to work out, which is funny, because he pulled the trigger on the break-up. Des pounces and asks what happened between hometowns and Antigua that made him change his mind. Brooks spouts out a bunch of platitudes that fail to convey complete thoughts. I bet he’d get along really well with Alex Rodriguez.
1:53 – “After you left, it was really good,” Des explains to Brooks as she informs him that she’s engaged to Chris. Take that, quitter.
1:56 – We’re back in the studio to welcome Drew to the stage in a Don Draper-esque three-piece and hair that’s become significantly less douchey. Chris Harrison turns the floor over to Drew so that he can ask Des any questions that might still be lingering. Drew goes into an aggressive line of questioning regarding when Des knew that she was more into the remaining guys. Des manages to avoid admitting exactly when she knew that she would be dismissing Drew. Brooks has clearly rubbed off.
2:05 – Chris and Des are reunited in public for the first time to give Chris Harrison the rundown of their “journey.” They’re looking awfully uncomfortable together as we go back to the video of Chris’s proposal. Des is on the verge of tears for the 437th time tonight. Hagan’s over it. She’s opted for flossing in lieu of a second round of tonight’s proposal. Not an awful idea, I’ve had some arugula lodged between my third and fourth molars for the past five hours. What a debacle.
2:12 – Chris prepares to read a framed poem that he’s written for Des adorned with all of his roses from the rose ceremonies. I can’t wait to buy that thing when it shows up on eBay in three months.
2:14 – We’re back with Chris Harrison to introduce the next bachelor, which is clearly Juan Pablo. We’re treated to a nice Juan Pablo montage which proves him to be pretty much the hottest dude ever. His daughter Camila was born on February 14, 2009, and “she’s his Valentine forever.” Not a dry eye in the place.
2:18 – Juan Pablo comes out for what will inevitably one of the more awkward interviews in franchise history as every member of the live studio audience ovulates uncontrollably. Turns out Juan Pablo’s season will get going in January. Judging by the members of the studio audience that have stormed the stage, it seems unlikely that he’ll be single for that long.
I feel like starting a concert review blog post thing is a really good idea. So I’m doing it. So suck it.
Just to give you guys perspective on where I was at physically and mentally, I got out of my cab and retreated to hit up the local Rite Aid. I bought some Zantac and Immodium AD and a bottle of Poland Springs (the best bottled water this side of Fiji). I popped one of each because my stomach was feeling not the best stuff ever.
I had planned on going to this show with a couple of friends but, like always, they had plans. ‘Tis the bullshittery that comes along with working in the food industry. So ya- I went to the show alone. Fuck you if you think that’s weird. Also – and just for context – before the summer, I looked up all the Tuesday and Wednesday shows I could/wanted to go to because those are the only days I can really get off during the week. Best Coast definitely fit that bill after only a couple minutes of YouTube searching.
I got to the show wicked late- billing said the whole shebang started at 8 and I got there, with my shitter clogged and my tummy acid assuaged, at around 9:45. I was happy I did because BC didn’t go on until closer to 10. The crowd was super mixed- old, young, couples, and me. Is there a fucking rule that if you go to a show with your girlfriend that you must dance in a prom position the whole night? The people that stood in front of me were great for people watching. In front of me I had a girl that looked like her name was Maggie- take that for what it’s worth, a couple where the man was 6 inches shorter than his woman, who wore mid waisted jeans and did a non-ironic Carlton the whole night, and girl under 5 ft. who lost all control and was dancing so furiously that the maintenance crew had to refloor the place after the show.
The show was at the Theater of Living Arts, my favorite venue so far in Philly. It’s small and old looking and the tickets are always cheap. Never seen a bad show there. To be honest the tickets were actually free due to an acquaintance of mine who is/was blowing a dude who works there. That’s not entirely true but it’s close enough where I feel confident writing it.
Since I was alone and my stomach was sour and I was fighting poop, I obviously got a 16 oz. Miller Lite. It tasted great like it always does and I nestled into a decently unimpeded view of the stage. After a rousing rendition of “I Need You Baby” half from the DJ and half from the crowd, the band took the stage and immediately got down to business.
Aside- I smoked my fair share of pot my freshman year. Never really took a shine to it even though I gave it the ol’ college try. That being said, the sweet smell of weed smoke in the air at a concert really cements the atmosphere. You smell the sticky icky and you know where you’re at.
Now due to my YouTube-ing and Googling, I knew that Bethany Cosentino was no eye sore. What I didn’t know was that she is fucking absolutely unbelievably marry-able. Oh gosh did I fall in love all at once. It was the, she had sexy tattoos and mentioned her undies riding up, kind of LOVE. For the rest of the band, Bobb Bruno, the other main staple of the group, nailed lead. They had a handsome hipster rhythm guitarist/bassist/whatever else he decided to play who I took a shining to, as well. However, there happened to be a guy who looked like a rapist on drums. That actually pissed me off because most vids I saw featured Ali Koehler, from Vivian Girls, on the beat makers. The sexual predator did good tho. Whatever.
The music was great. Really it was. Most of the songs beg the question if livin’ on the West Coast, would really be the Best Coast…. I surmise it may be. If I worked for Spin or Trolling Stone magazine, I might complain that the songs all sounded similar but I don’t get paid to write. I just do it for the chicks. And I actually liked the similarity in the sound because that’s why I went to the show. I wanted a girl singing Cali rock and that’s what I got. Also the songs were short and usually hookless. I really liked that since I’m not a longtime fan of the band. I hate the shows where every dickhead is singing along with a part I feel like I should know. Even though I was unfamiliar with the music, there were lines I was especially was in tune with- “if I sleep on the floor- will it make you love me more?” was especially nice. The songs were mostly upbeat but when it came time to get sexy, Cosentino didn’t disappoint. I mean, I’m in love. I’m clearly compromised in this part of the review. The crowd’s favorite was definitely:
I know that Bethany might not like the comparison (we’re friends and she goes by Beth…) but she was like a super West Cost, surfery version of Zooey Deschanel in the way that she commanded the mic and the vocals were just all her all night. No back ups no nothing. And she had the perfect kind of live voice for me. On a scale of 1 – Freddie Mercury, she wasn’t Fred but she didn’t miss a beat. She played her voice into her wheelhouse and delivered the same sound that you hear on the CD. I daresay she’s got the best ooh’s and ahh’s in the biz.
She drank beer, which got me wet because I was drinking beer too. 6 pints during the performance – to her one. I was thirsty. They interacted with the crowd nicely saying they watched Snakes on a Plane and Soul Plane that day..they deemed Soul Plane the superior but really, they’re both A+ stuff. Also she bragged that one song was on a JC Penny commercial, which made me laugh for some reason. I was smitten, alright?
I couldn’t decided how to grade shows but this is how I’m gonna do it for now.
1.) Wouldn’t go again
2.) Might go again
3.) Would go again
This is a Would Absolutely Go Again!
Someone tell that singer that I would go down on her, up on her, and side to side on her.
Monday mornings are the pits. The worst part of the day is rolling into work first thing in the morning while the weekend’s exploits still weigh heavy on the mind, particularly the people that you were fortunate enough to share those exploits with. While inside jokes and witty digs float around your brain, you walk into your office and you’re suddenly neck deep in a sea of social mediocrity that doesn’t quite stack up. Then you’ve got to confront the reality that you’ll have to spend the next five days keeping your commentary PC and overselling other people’s bad jokes just so that you can continue to afford
bottle service beers once happy hour ends on Friday and be cool again. What a racket.
Fortunately, the American consciousness is littered with people who manage to dominate Monday through Friday and right on through the weekend. They make the rest of us believe that one day we can do the same, and on Monday mornings from now on, TBSE will be telling you all about them in a new weekly segment that I’ve chosen to call “The Coolest Person in America.” For the sake of full disclosure, I have no clue how to sustain this kind of awesome. However, by pointing out who the coolest person in America is each Monday morning, I hope to find the common thread that weaved their dreams into reality and eventually sew dual Technicolor Dreamcoats of awesome for Tuna and I to rock on our way into high society.
Like 64 other coaches this year, Andy Enfield led the upstart Eagles of Florida Gulf Coast University into the NCAA tournament. Like 32 other coaches, Enfield led the Eagles to an opening round victory, becoming only the seventh 15 seed in tournament history to do so. Like 16 other coaches, Enfield and the Eagles logged a second victory, the first time that a 15 seed had ever moved on to the Sweet 16. All of this is impressive, but it’s all only footnote to what makes Enfield the coolest person in America this morning.
Basketball is Enfield’s second career. Previously he started a software company in New York called TractManager that manages contracts for healthcare companies. He left the $100 million company to his partner in 2006 to pursue a career as a basketball coach and still retains some ownership with no management responsibilities. Frankly, this would have been enough for me. I probably would have spent the rest of my life living off those royalties and maybe posting content to this blog more than once every six months. Whatever. That’s probably a valuable insight into my mediocrity. I’ll ignore it.
Before leaving the city he managed to pluck a stunning super model named Amanda Marcum for his wife. According to Enfield, he took her to Taco Bell and a St. John’s basketball game on their first date, presumably because the Xbox console in his parents’ basement was unavailable that night. Somehow that worked out and he managed to get the former Amanda Marcum to agree to have her life go from this…
I’m convinced that Andy Enfield’s soul is the spiritual equivalent of John Ham’s wiener or Gene Keady’s combover: simply the best in the biz. So is his super model wife. So are the players he got to agree to come to an under-the-radar school like Florida Gulf Coast. So is America.
Well played, Andy Enfield. The rest of America has a long way to go.
I’ve been asked several times in the past couple weeks what my New Year’s resolutions were. Truth be told, I didn’t have any. My response was I’d have to get back to you because I don’t have any yet. Well as of today, you’re in luck because I finally decided to put together a list of resolutions for 2013. I tried to make it a mix between totally feasible to slightly more difficult to achieve because I like variety.
1. Less beer, more scotch
Ideally I’d like to cut back drinking in general to a couple times a month, but realistically, I’ll probably continue to drink weekly. Scotch was my grandfather’s drink of choice back in his drinking days and it’s about time I come to appreciate it. Also, beer just weighs me down and I drink it too fast. I’m thinking Macallan will be my Scotch of choice.
2. More scratch tickets (~5% of weekly income)
Gotta diversify my income somehow. Plus, someone’s gotta pay the bills for TBSE.
3. Weekly blog posts
Writing blog posts requires some thought and creativity so it helps me stay sharp.
4. Partake in Meaty Mondays (double serving to meat to counteract the Meatless Monday movement)
More of a dig at my vegetarian friends, but I gotta eat a lot of protein if I wanna get swole.
5. Get swole
Why wouldn’t I want to get swole?
6. Complete an entire game of Risk
7. Handwrite letters to people
I’ve got stamps and envelopes… just no paper. Maybe I’ll write letters on weird things like napkins, paper towels, whatever I can scrounge up and send them out. Fun fact: you can mail a Kraft Single with a stamp and address on it.
8. Eat breakfast every morning
Some would say it’s the most important meal of the day. It’s time I gave it a shot.
9. Pet a jungle cat
I stole this resolution from someone else, but it would probably be awesome so it’s making my list as well.
10. Take a spontaneous flight at the airport
Something I’ve always thought about doing but haven’t actually done. Considering I live 15 minutes from the airport, there’s no reason not to.
11. Attend music festival
Having been to JazzFest in 2011 and Firefly in 2012, I’d like to keep it going as an annual thing.
12. Play on a blob
Not sure how I’ve lived to be 25 and haven’t played on a blob yet.
13. Lose 20 lbs
Between eating breakfast and getting swole, I think 20 lbs is doable. Plus I needed a generic resolution to throw on the list.
(Walking into the office on “Refer to Everyone by Their AIM Screen Name Day”)
Bob: Hey, hey! Good morning Rhondazoid84!
Rhonda: Oh hey B1gD1ckB0B! How’s it going today?!
Bob: Pretty fucking good! Happy Refer to Everyone by Their AIM Screen Name Day! Any idea when SillyWilly1084QB is going to be in? I’ve got some TPS reports he needs to take care of, A-SAP!
Rhonda: Sorry B1gD1ckB0b! I’m not your goddamn secretary! Why don’t you ask xNickelbackxKornxStaind?
Bob: Because he fucking sucks! What the shit kind of screen name is that?!
That was a real conversation that I made up in my mind. Quick disclaimer: I’ve been drinking a lot of Nyquil and have no business writing a blog post right now.
So this dude in my office was going around asking everyone what their old AIM screen name used to be. Suffice it to say, the findings were pure comedy gold. The conclusions I’ve drawn were if you were a girl and had a lot of X’s, O’s, or 69′s, you were definitely a hoe. If you were a dude and made any reference to your weiner or the sport you played, you were probably a d-bag. While this may be a bit of a blanket statement, I’m sure most of you would tend to agree.
This got me thinking to having a special day dedicated to calling each other by your old screen names. 1. Because it’s hilarious and 2.) because you can get a good feel for someone’s true personality. Sure people change, mature, and turn into productive members of society. But it’s fun to find out someone’s old screen name because it’s like looking into a window of their former lives. And who doesn’t want that?
Alright, I’m about to tap out and this blog post isn’t really going anywhere so I’m just going to sign myself into AIM Express (yes, it still exists) and make a list of the most ridiculous screen names on my buddy list along with some brieft commentary. Apologies to any friends who get called out in process. On the plus side, I won’t put your real name and I’m going to change the numbers so random people can’t just IM you if you somehow still use it. Without further adieu:
LiL innocent68 (young girls calling themselves innocent online just doesn’t pan out.)
samiXlay (X and lay in the same screen name? you do the math)
krnstdslpk (that’s short for korn staind slipknot…. high school. confusing times indeed)
abfitchbaseball01 (ah yes, your favorite clothing brand + your favorite sport. classic.)
CementHead20 (don’t know why but i love it.)
choomi9 (chew me 9? what kinda monster would want that? probably some kind of sicko these days)
CloggingForSatan (i just like this one.)
DrewDawgger28 (real original.)
Irish BaBii (it’d be fine if it weren’t for the weird capitalization)
Jerk40 (ay yi yi)
kingd1ck8 (weiner reference!)
m1ke1de (screams douchebag. probably turned into a blogger/chef/possible murderer or something.)
minime1234 (i’m sure it was funny when austin powers came out. shoulda thought that one through.)
NaTaS 666 (Satan backwards followed by the mark of the beast? Screams winner.)
SexiQThottie (had to realize you were gonna regret that one day.)
st00pidd1ck4 (another weiner guy!)
TheMysticMachine123 (love this one. he should probably still go by this every day.)
That’s all I’ve got. Gotta go pass out. Comment section your own screen name so I can make fun of you.